Anonymous Story: Was I raped?

I had known this man for a year. We would hang out together, and have the most fun. We had been intimate consensual a few times before. This particular night was different. We were sitting in his truck talking and laughing. We had been drinking like we always did together. He wanted to give me oral in the back seat of the truck which was ok with me. He proceeded with that, and wanted to have sex. I was ok with it until I found out he didn’t have a condom. He told me it would be ok and he would pull out. I told him No you need a condom. He forced himself on me and inserted himself inside me. I begged him to stop, but he proceeded to continue. Not only did he hurt me mentally but physically as well. I guess he realized what he was doing and eventually stopped. He says “baby are you ok? Did I hurt you” I just sat there stunned by what had just happened. He wanted to console me and tell me everything would be ok. I just had to get away from him. I haven’t seen him since that night and it’s been about 8 months. When I got home I kept saying I wasn’t assaulted because I wanted to have sex with him initially but not like that. My entire body was sore from him forcing his weight on me. He still trys to contact me and even says he loves me, but I have never gone back around him. I feel like it’s my fault. I wasn’t in control of the situation and have never told anyone for fear of being judged. He had to know he did something wrong because he kept apologizing. I feel like I was violated because I continued to say stop and no but he wouldn’t until he was ready. I don’t know what to feel or think, and honestly he scares me. It was like he was someone else. If this helps anyone else then I’ve done my part. It just goes to show just because you think you know someone they can turn on you in a split second. I’ve tried to block this out of my mind, because I asked for it.