Anonymous Story: Toxic relationship

I dated this boy in middle school. I dated him out of pity. I thought I’d date him for a few weeks and break it off with him when I got tired of pretending but those weeks turned into months. My feelings grew as I dated him, I thought he was a good person. He was the only person I’ve gotten close to in the past year and our relationship began to get sexual in the only 3 months of our relationship. It was a mistake.

I consented that we’d only have make out sessions and get a little touchy here and there but nothing more. But, he wanted more. One day as we were touching each other, he asked me if we could have sex and I rejected many times. He kept begging and I gave in because he had guilt tripped me, “If you love me, let me.” That evening, he pinned me to my bed and did what he wanted to do as I laid there motionless.

I should’ve never let him do that but I did. I was stuck in a blind relationship of sexual desires and because of my weak mind, I forced myself to think that it was okay because he was my boyfriend. He began demanding more and I began succumbing more to him. I did it because “I loved him.” Little did I know, he was taking advantage of my fragile mind and manipulated me without even knowing. A year passed and our relationship was the same. I got worse. I started becoming more angry, yet he demanded more from me. How can two young people break each other repeatedly and not notice what they were doing to each other?

Constantly we began fighting then he’d make it up by overpowering me and pleasuring me. I always rejected then gave in because of the pleasure but never did I think that it was sexual assault. Our relationship was constantly consisted of sex and arguments. Then one day, I threatened to leave. He threatened that he’d expose me and of course… I succumbed. I stayed, stayed because I was afraid. Stayed because I didn’t want everyone to know how disgusting I was. What would everyone think of me, of a 14 year old who already lost her virginity? My mind wandered around this and I grew afraid to ever leave. It was already too late, this boy who was the same age as me manipulated me to stay in the toxic relationship, he learned to use my fear to get what he wanted and I always gave in.

The past year, I constantly tried to leave him forever but when he’d get angry, he’d threaten me again. One day, I grew tired and left him. That was when he realized that being mean wasn’t going to work, he changed his ways and said he’d never do it again. To my mistake, I took him back. I gave him many chances that year and he used it to only manipulate me and torture my emotional state. I, being a quiet good girl always lost the battle of the toxic relationship. I started self harming and it kept getting worse until I tried to kill myself one day. I tried to overdose multiple times and keep in mind: I a 14 year old wanted to die so badly just because of a toxic relationship.

Surprisingly, our relationship became on and off throughout that year and we made it to a second year. A second year of constant fighting, betrayal, threats, blackmailing, and abuse. He began to hit me when I didn’t listen. He began to choke me, hold my wrists until they hurt, and isolate me from every friend I had. I lost my friends, my will to live, and my will to care for myself. I became reckless. I became a mess. My sanity being thrown out the window here and there didn’t bother me as much. My arms were covered in scars but I stayed with him because “I loved him,” and now… “I was afraid.” He took advantage of me and there was one day… I vividly remember it.

We sat in the car with his family. I was in the backseat with him and his cousin. “Can I touch you?” He asked. I rejected and told him I was tired and to not bother me. I was also aware that we were in the car and it wouldn’t be a good idea at all. As I rested my head against the window, his hands trailed across my thigh. I moved him away a few times and told him to knock it off. He wanted to get what he sought so he shoved his hands down my leggings. I was already irritated from his previous actions and fought against his actions. I tried pulling him out and got him out finally, not until he used his other hand to overpower me and he won. I was weak. I wasn’t as strong as him and I couldn’t stop him. His fingers were shoved into me harshly and I still tried to pull his hand out from my leggings still but he wouldn’t budge. I was too embarrassed to yell for help, it was his family after all and I didn’t want to let everyone know that he was touching me, I was afraid to call for help.

After realizing that I could never get his hands away, I grew upset and just laid back in defeat. I didn’t fight anymore, I couldn’t. I just wanted it to end. I felt so dirty, so violated, so disgusted. I was angry at him yet I was too weak to defend myself.

To this day, I’m not with him anymore. I grew a lot from the pain he put me through but, I suffer from ptsd because of him. I’m in therapy, I was put in the psych ward because of my depression that developed due to him. In total, I suffered with that boy for two years and a month. I am a broken human being still trying to heal even thoughts it’s been two years since I left him. I wish I could’ve done something about it. I should’ve tried harder.