Anonymous Story: The Life I Live

How can I love someone so much that I allow them to hit me??
How can I even convince myself that they love me?
Why do I believe the good times??
Why do I believe that it’s not going to happen again?
Why do I see the good in him?
It used to happen alot.
It started with name calling.
Then it lead to a push, then a slap. Then a closed fist.
At times you would really get upset and it would be a combination of it all.
Then my dumbass became pregnant.

You wanted me to have an abortion. I still remember using the pay phone on general mcmullen to schedule the appointment. But I knew it wasn’t right.
I hung up the phone and felt sick to my stomach.
I decided to keep the baby.
I had a honest job, working nights at the hospital.
I was a decent girl.
But you wanted me to be like my sister.
You wanted me to work at the strip club. But I know it was only to feed your sick fantasies.
I’m 100 % sure you’ve always wanted my sister.
You convinced me to work at the club.
I would come home and of course you wanted to hold on to the money.
Then you would punch me in my stomach any chance you had.

Flash forward a few years.
Getting hit was normal now.
I believed it was my fault.
I made this happen.
I caused this.

Then you beat me so bad because I didnt want to mess around with your brothers girlfriend. Again, you wanted that to feed your sick thoughts.
I couldnt go anywhere for weeks.
My face was black and blue. Swollen everywhere, bruises all over my body.
I left for a few days.
I thought I couldnt take it anymore.

Then you convinced me to come back. I always loved you.
I know for certain that I have always loved you more than you loved me.
I always saw the best in you.

Everything was okay for a while.

Then the act was over. I guess you got tired of pretending.

Every friend I ever had, you’ve made advances. I was so humiliated. I guess that was your way of controlling who I had relations with. I was so embarrassed by what you did, that now I had no one. Just like you wanted.

4 years into our relationship I finally cheated on you. Mainly because I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me.
It hurt you.
That’s what I wanted.
But 2 wrongs dont make a right.
You forgave me and we moved on.

A few more children later, years have past.
More drama of course. But the good times outweigh the bad.

Then you switched again.
Threw me down the stairs.
Luckily, all I had was bumps and bruises.
But I still stayed!!
What the fuck is wrong with me???
Why??
How could I??

Again, same old story. You got mad that I went through your phone.
You broke my arm.
See the cycle here.
Push, slap, closed fist, beating me, throwing me down the stairs, and now a broken arm.

I wont be surprised if he ends up killing me

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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