Anonymous Story: Southern Baptist Church

I guess I am writing this because of all of the torment I’ve been through and no one has helped me or even cared. My parents were suppose to protect me but they didn’t. The church was suppose to help and shepherd me, equip me but they told me it was a business. They made my life so much worse than what it was and I have nothing to actually show for my life. The only thing I know for sure is that my family never cared about me and the churches I went to never cared about my relationship with Christ or me as a human being. The wanted me to keep silent about what happened to me growing up and I did. Until I got raped and thought, no one would believe me. I thought the Christ was about love, I thought that the Lord loves justice. But I guess I was wrong, like everything else.

I was molested by a baptist deacon when I was three years old. Like so many people coming out now about the southern baptist convention he penetrated me. The second time I was molested by a teenage boy. He made me put his penis into my mouth, I was still just only three. It happened again with the neighbor down stairs grandson however, I don’t think it actually counts because we were very close in age. The penetration injured me and I will never enjoy sex with my husband. The oral sex did something to my mind and behavior that I can never really get away from. I never received counseling for what happened to me and I never felt protected by anyone in my family because they made me believe that it was my fault. Maybe my life would have been better if I had not said anything. Maybe I would have been happy and not struggling to live my life. The molestation left physical and emotional trauma that I haven’t healed from and probably won’t. But the mental abuse that came after was just as painful and left me not able to function as a human being.

Someone started speaking into my thoughts right after I was molested the first time. I never said anything even if they told me to say something. Sometimes the person speaking would respond to my thoughts or what was going on around me. Sometimes they would threaten me and say that my parents were going to die. I wanted to say something but for some reason I couldn’t. It was as if someone was stopping me from speaking. I realize now that was the reason why I had trouble in school. I had to work twice as hard just to be equal. It continued off and on all the way through college. I did okay in school and got a good job after college. But because of what they did to my mind, I couldn’t do my job to the best of my abilities.

I honestly believe that the Lord placed people in my path to help me but they just chose not to. I guess they wanted to live they’re life or the church didn’t want to take responsibility because someone was using the Word of God to hurt and cripple me. I am not a bible scholar and I have been to many churches trying to figure what’s happening to me but they shut me out. Even when I begged for help and for counseling they would say, you just need to forgive. You don’t need counseling you just need to forgive. That’s what’s stopping your blessing. I guess I wan’t part of the church family so being completely honest and open about what was happening to me was out of the question. Explaining things in a way that I understand (lay language) was out of the question.

In the bible it speak of how Jesus knew what someone was thinking. I guess that’s the only way I can explain it. And I’ll assume that any follow of Jesus who knows spiritual truths or services the church knows how to do this. If you know what someone is thinking then I’m pretty sure that you can speak to their thoughts and influence them. This is what I’ve been going through for 34 years.

When I realized what was happening I went to so many churches for help but they just shut me out. I didn’t know what to do. The situation got worse and so severe that I started cutting myself, then I tried to kill myself. What hurts the most is that a rape happened while I was going through this a couple of years ago.

When I was staying by myself the man next door would come into my apartment while I was sleeping. The only reason why I knew that he was even in my apartment is because he lifted up my eyelid and I saw who he was. I woke up once and my clothes were on me all weird and my body was in a very awkward position. Once I was asleep for 48 hours straight without moving and I know for sure that things were taken from my apartment. I didn’t report it because I kept thinking no one would believe me.

I actually tried to go get help for pastors and so called spiritual counselors thinking that the Lord would speak to them to give me guidance and direction. (Thinking about that proverb and psalm; godly counsel and without counsel the people fail). But the church shut me out again. All three pastors and their wives, all christian therapist.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think I will every really trust the Lord anymore, or fully obey after what’s happened to me. But the church and my family have trapped me so I don’t have any choices. Its like I have to do what they say and nothing else. I wish I could tell you that there is a happy ending but it wasn’t. I don’t know how many times a week I think about killing myself to get peace. Sometimes I think in five years it’ll happen (killing myself). I get scared thinking about going back to church. What if they torment me and shut me out. What if the pastor doesn’t believe me. What if I have kids and bring them to church and the same thing happens to them. I won’t be able to protect them because the church didn’t protect me.

I think the worse part is knowing that the people in my family (parents and aunts) knew what was happening and knew I wasn’t going crazy but let it happen anyway. (They would say I’m not the only on this has happened to, like I was suppose to be a martyr). Part of me thinks that if this happens to my child I would probably kill my baby because I wouldn’t want my child to suffer the way I did. No one protected me, no one looked out for my best interests growing up or now. They would just hand me off to any counselor and I would have to fight and argue about what I’m going through and that I’m not crazy.

So I would like to personally thank the Baptist Church for all there hard work at brain washing me (inside and out), thank you for making me a eunuch. Thank you to all the pastor and fake christian friends that I’ve come across that never helped or listened to a word I said. Thank you to the pastor that told me that the church was a business. I really appreciate that. I would like to thank my parents for never protecting me or telling me the truth about anything. Thank you for the many years of verbal abuse and hating me just because I cried all the time. I would like to personally thank my aunt who works for the government and has used her resources and knowledge of manipulation and lying techniques to cripple me. Thank you to all the people who molested me. I’m pretty sure there was probably a shortage of available and willing adult women but I’m grateful that my vagina and mouth were able to accommodate you. A special shout out to all the people who were using my mind as a play ground to accomplish your goals (witches mediums, soothsayers). To the pastors and churches that shut me out and never taught me anything, there’s specially place in heaven for you. Thank you to the Southern Baptist Church who have raised up soo many God fearing pastors. And last but not least I would like to thank myself, for being the dumbest person on the planet and not killing myself sooner. At least my arms held up through the razor blades. I’m sorry if I forgot anyone but if I did I’m sure the Lord thanks you for all your hard work and dedication.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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