Anonymous Story: My Wonderful Boyfriend

Someone close to me tells me to speak my truth, and never stop speaking my truth. So here goes

2 years ago I was sexually assulted so bad I needed surgery to correct the wounds inflicted on me. It was by an ex boyfriend. Who I trusted. Who I loved, but who was very controlling and abusive behind closed doors. I honestly thought he was wonderful, what a lovely boy he was until it was too late to back out. I was too scared to break up with him because he was so volatile sometimes, he blamed me for everything that ever went wrong, he shouted at me if I cried, and he constantly told me I was too much to handle, because I was too emotional when he was abusive.
Made sense to me. I am too much. I did cry too much, I understand why he couldn’t deal with it, so I tried to be brave. I didn’t want to annoy him any more than I had. This carried on and on and on.
On the 11th of November 2016 I went on a night out with this boy. I spoke to a stranger. My friends were present, I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply spoke to a stranger in the smoking area.
He lost his shit. I’d really done it this time. I’d pushed him way too far. He wasn’t happy at all, she shoved me around and shouted in my face, some of my friends getting involved trying to explain it was innocent. He didn’t care. I was crying and he continued, he then dragged me home, I cried and begged him to slow down. I can’t walk that fast. But he had hold of me and we were racing through the streets. The whole time he’s furious that his friend/housemate had gone home alone and he was telling me if she’s taken a man home then it’s my fault and he’s SO ANGRY. Okay, I get it. I was sobbing and apologising continuously.
I later found out the reason he was obsessed with this was because he was also sleeping with this girl.
Anyway, we get home and he tells me to chill the fuck out. He shuts me in his room and goes upstairs to see his friend.
I bolt for the door.
I ran in the direction of my sister’s house. Its the closest place to his. Its 4 in the morning and I’m terrified. He heard the door go and came running out behind me.
He yells at me some more and asks me what the fuck I think I’m doing.
I apologise again and say I just thought maybe he needed some space from me.
He takes me back inside.
I say I’m going to get ready for bed in the bathroom, I sneakily take my phone with me. I texted my mum and sisters 15 times in one minute BEGGING them to come and help me. I was scared and I needed someone to come and help.
It was 4am. Nobody got the messages.
I turn my phone off and go back into the room, hiding the phone in the clothes
He then tells me off for taking my phone. I say whoops my bad I didn’t even realise I had it. It’s dead so I’ll just chuck it in my bag.
I had to switch the phone off so it didn’t ring when someone did finally see the messages, because BOY WOULD I BE IN TROUBLE.
I get into bed, he tells me stop crying, we’re gonna have sex now. I refused. he proceeds to rape me violently. I was bleeding heavily after, I was in pain. I had hit him and screamed and begged him to stop.
He finally gets off me. He says “you’re so selfish” and rolls over and goes to sleep.
He went to work in the morning and as soon as the coast was clear, I called my mum. Crying my eyes out I explained what had happened to me.
I refused to report it. I refused the medical attention I desperately needed. I stayed with him.
He later laughed when I told him over text I was still bleeding. He also said “i just wanted to let you know I’m not angry with you for lastnight, and I love you.”
I accept. I’m glad he’s not mad at me because I genuinely believe it’s my fault. I’m so badly hurt but I hope it’ll heal by itself.
We split a week later when I finally hit minus figures in my bank account. 6 months earlier when we started a relationship I had £4k
But he was done with me and I was devastated as much as I was relieved.
a week had gone by and I was still bleeding heavily and my wounds were so bad I couldn’t sit.
I tried to take my own life.
I first got medical attention 2 weeks after the initial assault, and it was bad. But within a year it was better and the scarring had healed, I had moved on with my life. (I went back in and was sent for emergency surgery again this year because it turns out I still had damage)

In December 2017 I finally told the police. I was pushed to, by my support worker, who I leaned on for help through the whole process.
I handed over all the messages, all my medical records, I told them my story. I didn’t want to press charges though, because I promised him a year ago that I wouldn’t. I felt shame and guilt.
I know I’m the victim but I still felt terrible. the police took the investigation into their own hands and worked with me to get a case together.

I had specialised counselling and was coached through the court process. But CPS decided last week they can’t put him before a court, because of the delayed report. Because of the delay in medical treatment.
They say my injuries could’ve been sustained somewhere else
And he maintained it was consentual.
But I have messages and so much evidence to prove it, but in a court of law.. The defense can give the most WILD opposing argument
It doesn’t make sense.

But they offer me a pay out.
Money is not gonna give me back my life
Money isn’t what i fucking want
I want an apology. I want justice. I want closure, because I can’t get over it.

Life goes on. He lives to do it to someone else, and I live to see another day. I hope god can forgive him for something that I can’t.

I tried. I spoke my truth and I will not be silenced. I’m not ashamed to let my voice be heard. And I’m proud of my strength. You can’t always get the outcome you want, But SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Let your story be heard. Even if nobody believes you, you know in your heart you have to be a voice for those who don’t have the strength to speak out. I know it’s hard. My friends remained friends with him and everyone questioned it. It’s diabolical.
But this is my story.
Or merely just a chapter of it – and I hope this encourages people to speak, tell the world what they don’t wanna hear. People are so blissfully ignorant to sexual violence and rape, especially when their friend or family member is the perpetrator. They don’t wanna believe it, they don’t wanna listen to it.
We will not be silenced. It’s time to force people to hear the ugly truth, and do something about it. Time to hold people responsible for their actions and make other people question their moral