Anonymous Story: My “Not-RAPE”

I don’t know where to begin…Have you ever remembered something from years ago, but your memories are fractured, like a movie with deleted scenes? That’s how it is for me. Serving in the military was always a dream for me, and even though, I never thought I would, the day I took the oath to protect and serve my country was one of my most proudest and happiest moments. I was excited to be a part of something bigger and to be making a difference. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere in my life, and struggled with bullying and loneliness for most of my life. So, when I got to my first duty station, Fort Riley, I was so excited to finally feel like I belonged, but nothing was like I expected, and my career was over before it ever really got started. First, I was sexually assaulted multiple times by different people. Most people know about one assault, which I call my “real” rape. During that assault, I fought and kicked and there is no way it wasn’t rape. I even pressed charges afterwards, even though nothing came of it. Another time, I was I went out with friends and got really drunk. I passed out in a friend’s room while the others slept in the living room. I woke up to that friend having sex with me, and even after telling him to stop, because I was still too weak and dizzy to push him off, he kept going. That I know was rape. Neither of those are bothering me today, because I know what I went through. What has been bothering me lately, for past year or so now, is the one experience I didn’t call rape. Even now, I still struggle to call it that. I usually say the assault or the experience, but mostly my “not-rape”.

A few weeks after I arrived to Fort Riley , I had an experience with an NCO from my company. I was a new private, 19 years old, and it was my first duty station. After two weeks of sexual harassment from an NCO in my inprocessing unit, I was in my official unit and a part of a real company. I was excited and nervous and so ready to change the world. I met everyone in m small company and even made a few acquaintances. One of those acquaintances was an NCO from another platoon in my company. He was and even gave me a ride home a few times he had saw me walking. One night, he showed up to my barracks room. It was weird, because it was late but he just wanted to check on me and see how I was adjusting. He came in and started talking and even watched a little tv with me, I think. There are a lot of things I can’t remember about that night, and the details are ever changing and blurry and out of order and everything from this point forward is just a mess of stuff, but I do remember that instantly things changed. He was standing behind me and wanted to give me a massage. he said I was really anxious and it would help me relax. I was a little wary but he was one of my superiors, and I didn’t want to rude or start trouble so early in my career. So, I agreed, not the smartest thing on my part, I know, but I didn’t know what else to do at the time. Then, he he wanted to massage my back, because that’s where I was the most tense. I said I should lie on the bed. I didn’t want to but he said it would be fine. I figured, really I don’t know what i figured or what I was thinking or well anything. I just did it, and climbed on top of me and continued the massage. This next part, I remember clearly. I told myself things were ok, and he was just being nice and it wasn’t that big of a deal, but then he unsnapped my bra and reached his hands under me and started touching my breasts. I started to squirm and move away but he said it was ok. then he reached lower, and started to pull off my shorts and underwear. I started squirming more and told them I didn’t want to do this. He just kept going and said it was ok, and it would only be the tip. I squirmed and said please, i don’t want to do this, but then I felt him, and it hurt and all I could do was grit my teeth, and not think about it. I remember how heavy he felt he felt and how much it hurt. I couldn’t believe it was happening and I just closed my eyes and tried not to think about it. There was a noise that startled him enough to let up and stop for a second, just long enough for me to roll over and sit up before he could do anything else. I quickly pulled shorts up and sat there staring at my tv. I don’t remember what was on.. I didn’t care. I was like in a trance, just staring. He just stood up, pulled on his pants, and walked over to me. I don’t remember his exact words, but he said that we could never tell anyone because we both would get in trouble. I agreed and he left, and I just sat there for the longest time, rationalizing everything that just happened. He was right, and I didn’t want to get in trouble, and no one would believe. I had barely been there a few weeks, and he was their friend and coworker for who knows how long. Besides, it wasn’t really that big of a deal. It wasn’t like he raped me or anything. I didn’t scream or cry or say no or even fight back. It was just sex, normal sex and I was overreacting. I let him in and I let him give me a massage. I should have known what would come next. I was stupid for being so naive, but it didn’t matter. It was just normal sex, even if I didn’t want it, nothing more. I mean I wish he had wore a condom at least, but I had to stop overreacting and making it into something it wasn’t. Then, I just kept saying to myself that it wasn’t rape over and over again. It wasn’t rape. It was just sex. Even in the shower, and while laying in bed crying, I just kept saying it. Even the next day and the weeks afterward, anytime I thought of that night, I would remind myself that it was no big deal, that I was crazy for overreacting. Even today, after therapy and getting my life on track and moving forward and having a family and a good life, I still can’t reconcile that night. Part of me says it was rape, but another part of is still struggling to call it that and to believe that I am not overreacting. The details keep coming back so jumbled and I don’t know if I’m forgetting something or mixing things up in my head to make it more than it was. Why can’t I remember everything? Why is it all so jumbled? I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s been 8 years, and all of a sudden, this memory is randomly constantly taking over after all these years. I’m randomly crying over certain words, and songs, and pictures. That’s why I am writing this, to get it out. I want to remember that night, everything so I can finally have some peace, and move on from whatever it was.