Anonymous Story: Mixed Emotions

I was 18 at the time. Only three months ago from this moment I write. I met this guy on a dating app and we had been talking for just shy of a month at this point. We intended to hang out about 3 weeks into our being acquainted, but he got sick so I didn’t get to meet him. One night we were texting and the messages got a little racy. I didn’t intend for it, but I kept along with it. That night we decided to reschedule our date for the next day. We went out to breakfast and everything was fine and he seemed just as cool as he did over messages and phone conversations. I’m a student athlete in college and I had a few hours left after our breakfast date before practice. I invited him up to my dorm because I thought he seemed nice and I didn’t want our date to end so soon, so I suggested we could watch a show or something until I had to leave for practice. We watched the show for a while, but then he started to try to kiss on me and lay up on me. I told him “no, I don’t want to do this I’m just meeting you I just want to get to know you.”…but my words fell on deaf ears. He continued to kiss on me and press against me and I keep repeating my words and he’s not saying anything back to me or listening. At this point he’s getting my zipper down and pulling my sleeves down and I’m pulling then up and grabbing his hands and I’m telling him no. I’m saying his name. I let out a little giggle out of discomfort. I didn’t want to think of the situation as what it was in the moment. He gets on top off me with all of his body weight and is kissing my neck and I tell him I don’t want to do it again, but he takes his shirt off. At this point I go silent realizing how bad it was getting and trying to think of how to get out of this. I just look up at this ceiling and beg God to not let it get as far as rape. He turns me over and is trying to force his hands down my pants, but I’m grabbing his hands back with all of my strength. He said to me “just let me touch her” and I said “I don’t want you to touch her” and he replied and said “I’m going to touch her, its gonna happen” and he laughed. When I heard those last words, I stopped fighting back. I gave up. I let him touch me and I lie there limp while he kisses me and forces his hand inside of me and is taking my clothes off. I’m not sure what happened, but he finally stopped. by the time it was all over it was just about time for him to get going. I walked him to the elevator and gave him a kiss goodbye and a hug. I was just denying it all. I didn’t want to think about it and I didn’t want to be mad about it in front of him.

The next day I tried to talk to him about it but he kept saying he didn’t know I didn’t want it because of our racy messages the day before. I told him I literally said no when he was touching me but he said “next time don’t be so motivating the day before you see the guy” and he told me basically if I didn’t want to keep seeing him then stop wasting his time talking about it because he already said he didn’t mean to make me feel like that. As weeks went by I decided to make friends with him, thinking maybe that would help me get over it, but it doesn’t. Now I’m just angry everyday that his actions had no consequence and he thinks he’s okay with me but really I’m so broken inside and it hurts so bad. I’m ashamed to ever talk about it because I feel like I should’ve never entertained him with those messages. I should’ve never let him up to my room because truthfully I really didn’t know him. I’m ashamed and embarrassed of how naive I was and how terribly I handled the situation and continue to handle the situation. Some days are harder than others, so are some nights. But I’m surviving.