Anonymous Story: Misunderstood-Alone, Used and Abused But Highly Favored by God..

Anonymous Story: Misunderstood-Alone, Used and Abused But Highly Favored by God..

As a child I was always lonely misunderstood,and never understood why I was being abused.. Awkward to a family of abusers, weird to my peers, vulnerable to those who asexually abused me.. Misunderstood by my Single Mother just simply a problem… Abandoned by A Dad whom I can only say I know by name,and a stories here and their.. Every relationship I’ve had has failed because of my own personal pain…And simply because I don’t know what a healthy lifestyle is.. I’m currently in counseling, but often times I feel like I’m not improving or evolving quick enough. I had 7 Babies before 25. Most people think I want pity…but in reality what I would like is for child/ sexual abuse/assaults to stop..Our society condone this behaviour and belittle victims in my opinion. My greatest strengths will never be seen,or mean anything to anyone else..But my decission to keep quiet and keep a child conceived from being asexually assaulted by someone I knew.. My Choices are always overwhelming for those who know me…And their responses are all the same…Their opinions come from their hearts,judgements, but not for what is best for me…Those who have advice are well adjusted,well loved,and very secure within themselves.Those the world would call normal… From birth I’ve been A flame. Embracing my own differences, learning how not seeing myself as God see’s me.. My entire life I’ve kept other kids safe.. But despite my efforts I couldn’t do that for my own.. Despite me giving up family,my home town, or Anyone else.The Devil has used one of my greatest weakness to destroy my mind.. Everything I’ve invested my life Into.. I’ve been fighting since my conception.. often times I feel like their isn’t anything else left inside of this shell.. I’ve been sexual assaulted in my home,in the streets,on job’s,by family,frienfs,strangers,lovers, coworkers.. A dam nun. And just recently I had an ex tell me that I wanted it, because im a freak… Everyone wants love, but I never. Raised my hands to have limited cognitive skills,nor to be raped…. from 5-17…Yes, I do take responsibility for any messed up relationship I’ve been in..For Once in my life I have a therapist who cares…..So I’m learning….and growing….I just desire a piece of mind…For once I understand that everyone has a different level of normal… I’m working towards going back to school ,and getting back to work at 53… I’m in a different type of nightmare now…Now in fighting against my body and my mind…I try not to space as frequently as before.. It’s still a work in progress.. Suicide is still Daily… I need to find someone else who can relate…I try not to overwhelm my therapist… Because I feel like she needs a therapist just to deal with me…As a child and adult all I have wanted to do was keep children from being abused..That was my Prayer requests to God…And for over 40 yrs he granted my wish… Unfortunately I just recently found out that it happened to my grandkid,something out of my control.. Something that makes me feel like that helpless child that cried out to God everyday my Single Mother went to work..My shattered soul hit the floor like broken glass,my Heart blead red like Mississippi Dirt.. Who was I to utter a word. This was the normal
family b.s. So when other people abused me my mind always thought at least it wasn’t family..At 53 I’m trying to figure this s…out…alone..I was ostracized in a church because of a head scarf…But yet I was abused in a d.
Catholic Church..I don’t want Someoneo tell me that Jesus was white.I saw that same picture that was in my home with Martin Luther King,and Malcolm X, Everytime I was abused..I doubted my sexuality Everytime I had a failed relationship,or sexual assault..As A child I attempted suicide on a regular basis… As a child / adult I wanted to slice my breast off…As a child I Despised the way I looked… Because all anyone else saw was my Dad,my fault’s, my differences…and what or who I wasn’t..Well now I’m just s typical broken nothing else poor A nigga.. Uneducated,Unloved,and broken beyond recognition..All I see is hopelessness and despair…More abuse than my mind could phantom..
Ever phantom in my lifetime..Yet children are mere pawns in an imperfect sexually exploited world…And Child Molesters/ abusers are being well kept and entertained… Misunderstood..The sacrifices are overwhelming for my feeble-minded self to take..Yes I want to Stone them to death with children…A crazy Misunderstood Individual…

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WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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