Anonymous Story: Me Too

I’m currently a 27 year olds and it’s been about four months since my family found out that my brother had been sexually abusing me around the ages of 7-12. I’m struggling every single day to figure out what’s next for me. I think at this point I’ve told the story over an over and over again in my head. I find myself wanting to find people who have stories like mine so I can hopefully have an answer to all of my problems, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever find any answers because everyone’s story is so unique. I grew up not knowing that the abuse was actual abuse, I was lured into it because he threatened to get me in trouble if I didn’t do what he asked. I thought it was weird what he had wanted me to do. At times I was aroused by things that he did, and I know that’s healthy and normal – but it’s just so uncomfortable when it’s your brother. He’s my only brother. The one person that I looked up to, the one person that shared our unique ethnicities. I’m half white and half Guamanian. If you’ve never heard of the island of Guam, it’s not uncommon, but it’s unfortunate because the population is so small. It feels hard to feel engaged in an ethnicity when you didn’t grow up celebrating it. Right after my dad was born, Guam witnessed being prisoners of war under the japanese during world war 2. Knowing that my brother is one of the only people like me, and to know that he was my abuser for several years, is very heartbreaking. The one person that should have protected me and loved me the way I should have been loved, couldn’t. I feel very cut off from my family at the moment. My parents don’t know what to do or how to help. I’m not big on asking for help, and often times I don’t know how to. But when I’m around them, I act as if I’m doing okay because I don’t want them to worry about me. But when I’m alone, I feel hopeless and often times wish I could disappear. I’m trying to get medical help because I’m pretty sure I have depression, but trying to figure out how to get insurance and get help finding a doctor is extremely hard and frustrating when you’re dealing with a mental illness. I’ll call people and they’ll just tell me to call this number or certain things – but I’ll immediately get overwhelmed with trying to remember what they tell me and it’ll go in one ear and swiftly out the other. I’m just waiting for my social services case worker to call me back so I can get access to a psychiatrist. It’s very frustrating and I’ve never been this low in my life. But I’m thankful for my partner who’s been more supportive than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. They’re currently working full time and finishing their thesis, so it’s been hard getting time with them. I really don’t have much of anyones support either because I don’t have much close friends in my town. I’m also getting help from a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse, but I think I need more than that. Depression is taking over my life and I just want to be able to live my life again.
In the beginning I thought that I’d maybe one day talk to my brother again, but after all the pain he’s caused me, it makes me not want to talk to him ever again. There was a time when I loved him so much. I thought he was funny, and cared about me. I’m scared that some day he’ll show up. Or scared that my family might try to surprise me with a family intervention. I’m angry, afraid, depressed, and fucking tired of this bull shit. I just want to live my life without this messy family, but I feel stuck with them. Not sure how to end this story, but I’m trying to stay positive by telling myself that I’ve been so strong all these years without even knowing it. I’m trying to know how to forgive myself when I’m hard on myself. I hope my story will help people feel less alone.