Anonymous Story: Love, abuse and a sweeter man

I find talking about [G] difficult now, as if I’m sharing the stories of a character in a book- an antagonist, a despot, a stranger who I knew so intimately for so long, but never really knew at all. A villain whose deeper ambitions remain unknown to me, even though our lives are completely intertwined. I wish I could break the tether that anchors me to him, but our daughter makes that impossible to do, at least in the spiritual sense. I sometimes let my mind wander – why is he doing this? How does he sleep at night? How does he live with himself? I come up blank. I have no answers. I used to yearn to know those answers. I hurt myself and my family in the pursuit of finding those answers. Now I am resigned to knowing that there are no answers to those questions. He doesn’t have a purpose in his action, he just is. No reason, no shame – a complete vacancy where any normal parent or person’s moral compass should be.

The memories I have of him do not match the person he was or is, and my own uncertainty of our past and who I was in his life, and he in mine, forces me to cast doubts about what happened between us. He gaslighted me for so long, abused my trust in him, took advantage of my vulnerability, that I can’t reconcile those memories with the two starkly different narratives between us. I was infatuated with him, and he with me – we shared an intensely sexual and intimate six months together. We at least agree on that much. Everything else is grey, covered in the cloudiness of competing stories and identities, inspected and examined by so many others that retelling the story almost feels mechanical.

I see him in our daughter. She resembles him already, with her blonde curls and piercing eyes. She has such a sweet face and kind nature. She is funny and silly, and loves to test the boundaries of what she can and cannot do constantly. I hope she inherited only the best parts of him, if she must share any part of him at all. When I try to think of what those best parts were, I come up short. He is handsome, resourceful, and well-liked. He was never particularly smart, not in the academic sense, but he is a master emotional manipulator, which requires a particularly keen emotional-IQ. He could read – and play – people as easily as Yo-Yo Ma strums the violin. It comes naturally to him. He makes cruelty an artform. I suppose that could be useful in the ugly and unfair world our daughter will grow up in, but I am praying that this was an acquired skill, something he learned over time, not built into his DNA. Perhaps his parents are awful people, too – that would explain their complete lack of interest or concern in their first grandchild. Perhaps it was his parents who pressured him into pushing me toward an abortion I didn’t want, or to abandon his child in the year after she was born. I’ve seen how parents can work a weak, fragile man into doing what they want. But of the things I feel I know about him, I feel like that played a small role in what he did and who he is. Perhaps they feel the shame and embarrassment of his actions for him. Perhaps they, too, are unsure about what to trust. Perhaps it’s just [G]’s way. I beg, let it be anything but genetic.

A year has passed since I met my daughter. Until very recently, [G]’s absence has been a blessing. I worried what he would do to her or me if we ever ended up in the same place together. He saw her – once – during a hearing hosted over Skype. His face turned white when he heard and then saw her on camera. For a moment, the guilt was written on his face. It was consuming him – quite literally facing the consequences of his actions. He tried to escape his fleeting emotions – he turned off his camera and asked that we continue the conference via phone. When he was told no, he became angry, and yelled at the hearing organizers several times about having to see us. He was forced to confront me, and he lashed out at everyone because of it, yelling and cursing and eventually leaving early because he didn’t get his way. That is the totality of his interaction with her since her birth last summer.

You hear of men who take off when their children are born, and always wonder how someone could be involved with such a reckless tool in the first place. You say, “what an asshole” in a consoling manner to the mother, or “you’re better off without him, then.” You hope this stranger gets what he deserves. You believe that he will, or else the world is without karma, which is too sad of a thought to bare. You create an idea of the type of person who could have a child in the world and not care an ounce for their well-being. We believe if we had a friend or a family member who did such an awful thing, we’d tell them exactly what we think of them – we’d yell at him, tell him he’s wrong and even stop talking to him if he didn’t make it right. As women, we think we are too smart to get involved with someone like that, or that we would be able to feel it in some maternal-sixth sense. I certainly thought I would be able to tell. And maybe I always knew what he was capable of but ignored it because I wanted to believe he would see the error of his ways and come around – if not to me, then to our daughter. I was wrong.

It took me a good deal of time to realize the full extent of the emotional, and on three occasions physical abuse I endured while dating [G]. Time and therapy helped me come to deal with what happened to me. The constant manipulation. The using me for sex as often as he wanted without a real commitment to our relationship. He came and went as he pleased, having sex frequently and passionately, then disappearing for days at a time – ignoring my calls and texts until he wanted to have sex again. People call this type of man a “fuckboy.” I suppose that’s an accurate description, and if I were my younger, stronger self I would have walked (and stayed) away from him. In the midst of ending an abusive marriage and moving out with my son, I had become accustomed to being hurt by men – conditioned to believe it was normal. So I waited, I stayed. I endured it, because when we were together, he made me feel wanted, even loved. He was something that made me feel good again. To him, I was a toy.

Despite my many protests against having unprotected sex, which are all documented here, [G] removed the condom he was wearing while we were having sex so that he could ejaculate inside of me. That’s a type of sexual assault that has been colloquially named “stealth-ing.” I felt violated the first time it happened, and even ended things with him later that night. I wasn’t sure how to sort that feeling out, until someone told me many months later that I was allowed to be angry and hurt that he did that to me – that’s a type of sexual assault now punishable like rape in many states in this country. In Florida, [G] could have been charged with rape if prosecutors could prove a pattern of this behavior, and his intent. His intent was clear – he even once told me he was going to “fuck” me “without a rubber,” and that I would not be able to stop him. I told him it was sex with a condom or no sex at all. He claims I am the only person he’s had sex with since high school without a condom, but how would I know if that’s true? Interview all his previous sexual partners? I spoke to one – she hated him so much she would have said anything to see him pay for what he did to her. Again I was left not knowing what to believe.

After he found out I was pregnant, he spent a month trying to work me into having an abortion. At first he tried anger – demanding I not “have his kid,” demanding I meet with him, and yelling at me constantly through texts and his many voicemails. When he quickly figured out that arguing with me was only pushing me away, he switched to affection. He kissed me the first time we saw each other after he found out, and we resumed a relationship and started having sex again. He wrote me love letters telling me how much he needed me. That worked somewhat – I began to feel obligated to not ruin his life because we were in love. He said it was “me and you versus the world.” But it wasn’t enough to push me into doing it.

When anger and love failed him, he switched to pity. He began faking illnesses – everything from panic attacks and late-night hospitalizations, to weight loss and failing grades. He was trying to guilt me into it. His mistake was that, while I believed somewhat that he was distraught, he wasn’t a good enough liar to make me believe him fully, and that hint of doubt aided my better judgement in coming through. I believed he loved me because I wanted to believe he loved me, and he worked so hard to convince me so. But when I would ask what hospital he was at, when once he woke me up at 2 a.m. to say he was throwing up blood everywhere and had to be rushed to the ER, he wouldn’t give an answer. Then when I said I was going to the hospital to be with him, he suddenly was discharged and on his way home. He knew I was vulnerable, but he under-estimated my skepticism. Little lies piled up, and I started to pull back from him.

When it became clear to him that I was no longer under his spell and would not have the abortion he spent a month pressuring me to commit to, he discarded me as easily as he impregnated me. It was never my choice in his eyes. It was his, and I disobeyed. He resented me for all the time and effort he put into manipulating me, just to fail at accomplishing his goal. He never loved me, and he was never confused about that fact the way I was. He was clear about what he wanted from when our affair started in May until it ended in October. He lashed out at me – going after me, my job, and my family. I was hurt and shocked at first. I thought, if [G] doesn’t want to be involved then fine, but why is trying to destroy my life?

When I told him my reasoning for why I was going to keep the baby – that I wanted to, that I had a good job, my husband and I were going to work things out, and it seemed like a good time, with me on the road to finishing my degree – he made a mental checklist of each item. Then he went after every single thing I told him. At first I believed he was trying to hurt me so that I’d feel so awful that I’d have an abortion. Maybe that would have been an added bonus for him if I had, but that wasn’t why he went after me. There was no why. He just did. He was angry and I was the object and target of that anger. I don’t think I’m the first girlfriend of his who he’s been so vicious toward post-affair. I know of at least one, and from the conversations I’ve had with those who know him, he seems to leave a trail of destruction behind him, even with the girls he no longer wants or finds useful. He enjoys hurting people. It’s just part of what he is.

There needs to a record of this – an accounting of what happened, so that I can move on and so that one day our daughter can understand why I gave up on her father. I don’t often give up on others, even when they’ve hurt me badly. I forgave my husband, after all, for a year of emotional pain and neglect after we moved to Florida. I never write people off – everyone can be saved. I’ve dedicated my life, my career to saving people. But with [G], my deepest held beliefs about the nature of people were challenged. My therapist says it should be therapeutic to put all of this down in writing. And at a certain age, our daughter will need to know the depth of his depravity, and the potential for any man she meets to be so robbed of morality – a hard lesson to learn, but an important one, regardless. I don’t savor in being a victim – it’s a label I’m uncomfortable with and don’t feel fits. I see myself and my daughter simply as two more causalities in what is a growing list of [G]’s escapades in recklessness.

This letter is that accounting, taken from our many interactions over the last two and a half years, and quilted together from the many statements I’ve already made. I’ve sourced every statement here, and have done my best to include the correct dates and times of all that occurred – the only certainty within this reconstructed timeline of a confusing and tumultuous time are the actions and the days they were taken.

I met [G] on January 10, 2017. He was one of 56 students in my second class as an instructor at Florida State University. I remember that morning. The day was unusually warm for January, and I made a note to myself to bring that up in the first class. I was nervous to teach a new class – I taught physical geography two semesters, and this was my first semester teaching the upper-level map analysis course. I felt prepared, enthused, ready. I had reviewed my roster earlier that day, and remembered [G] from his unique last name and handsome smile. He stood out. He was the first student I recognized.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t immediately attracted to him. He was tall, handsome and made it a point to draw my attention to him throughout the semester. I had never really been attracted to blondes, or men with brown eyes, but for some reason I felt pulled to him. I tried to internally reject that attraction, whilst he played on it every chance he could. He’d leave notes on his exams, trying to be cute or coy or both, and would finish his emails to me with a wink or smile emoji. Knowing my obligations to be professional, I never acted on this attraction while I was his teacher. To me, he was bait. He was a temptation to do something I shouldn’t. He was trouble waiting to happen.

He was hardly the first attractive student I taught, and he wouldn’t be the last. I saw every other male and female attractive student in the same way – in a matter-of-fact, “yes, that person is good-looking, but back to the issue at hand…” sort of way. I could say other students were attractive in the same way I could see how a celebrity was attractive. It was an almost cold, clinical-assessment of attractive features. It didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t feel anything toward them. They were just students. It was different with [G]. From the moment we met, it was different.

I never thought much of being an instructor only a few years older than my students, because I had the experience, knowledge and qualifications to teach. I worried it would be hard for students to take me seriously – being practically the same age as them – but it only rarely seemed to cause any issues. I saw the knowledge gap as a surrogate for an age gap, and didn’t play into being the “young, cool” grad student/instructor who reaches kids “on their level,” as the cliché goes. I was a steadfast professional, and I took my job seriously. I loved it, in fact. I had found my true calling in the classroom. The only way I could see that I could ruin it for myself would be to lose my gradebook, not help a student who needed it, or to be an instructor who seemed unreachable or uncaring. As the semester progressed, though, I realized there was another threat I had not yet encountered nor anticipated. And as he made a point to come around more, to get too close, to look at me in that way you instantly recognize, I thought it best to keep my distance from him more than others.

There was one day in particular I struggled keeping my physical distance. I had called [G] into my office to scorn him for the paper he turned in for my class – a paper that was easily, unquestionably the worst paper I had ever read. There are not words to describe how bad this paper was, and I debated on how to approach him about it beforehand. I gave students second and third chances on assignments quite often, knowing that every student can have a bad day or bad week, and that it shouldn’t ruin their semester. I decided to print out his submission, and have him read it out loud in front of me so that he could see how bad it was, rather than just me showing him line-by-line all of the grammatical errors. He showed up early, sweating, having just come from the gym, he said. He sat too close to me, looked at me like I was something to devour, and brushed his legs against me several times. I finished the lesson, and he lingered there until I said I had other things to do. I knew that day that it was best if I wasn’t alone with him, and made it a point to call him to my office when needed only if other students or grad students would be in the office, too. I was flattered by his forwardness and the attention, as my marriage was dissolving and I felt alone.

Throughout the semester, [G] made multiple unsolicited advances, which I ignored or brushed off, feeling complimented by his attraction, but not responding to it. While he was not the only student to flirt with me during the four semesters I have taught courses, he was the most aggressive in his pursuits. All communication between myself and [G] remained strictly professional while I served as his instructor. [G] often flirted with me during and outside of class – nothing that made me so uncomfortable that I felt the need to report it. Mostly his comments were ignored; for example, an email he sent me on April 5, 2017 to submit makeup work which stated, “Here is my long awaited question 5 revision. We all miss you so so much.” I made my replies short, and said, “Ha. Thanks, [G].0F0F0F ”

4/12/2017 16:52

[G] I see your emails! I’ve been at work all day and the internet has

been down, sorry for the wait. I’ll send them now

4/12/2017 17:19 Rebekah Who’s this lol?

4/12/2017 17:19 Rebekah Dangit, [G]!

4/12/2017 17:21 [G] It seemed like an emergency lol

I never showed interest in a relationship or made advances to him while I served as his instructor. In April 2017, I provided my cell phone number to all of my students, during class, as I do every semester, in case any students had major problems bringing in their group projects the final two weeks of class. I explicitly stated that my number was only to be used in emergencies – each group was scheduled to present on a specific day, and if for some reason that group was going to be late, I told students to text me to let me know so we could move on to the next group and hopefully fit the group in crisis in at the end of the class period.

[G] began using my cell number for personal communication the next day –informing me that he had received an email asking for citations for his group’s paper. I had sent the email because one of his group members said he had not been working on the project like he should have been, and that she was concerned that she was doing all of the work. [G] was a solidly mediocre student, largely apathetic about his grades and indifferent to any calling to greater learning. He would tell me later that the only reason he had such great attendance in my class was because he came to see me.

This was not the only time [G] used my cell phone number instead of emailing me, something he later admitted he did because he wanted to “hook up.” On April 26, 2017, I had an angiogram and notified the class the day before that I may need assistance in bringing items from my car to the classroom the next day, and asked for volunteers. [G] texted my cell phone on April 26, 2017, and said, “Good luck with your surgy today. Break a leg.” I did not respond. The last email communication I had with [G] during the semester was April 27, 2017, when I asked if him if he wanted me to give his graded work to another student in class to pick up, since he had emailed me to inform me he had a “raunchy case of pink eye,” or if he wanted to pick his work up from my office at another time. He told me he would pick up his work at my office. [G] again texted my cell phone, rather than using my email, to inform me that he was going to come by my office to pick up his work on May 3, 2017. I told him I would be in my office around 1. I deliberately told him to stop by when I knew I would be meeting with other students so that I would not feel uncomfortable. When he came to my office to get his work, I was meeting with another student, and [G] lingered in my doorway for a few minutes, making both myself and the student I was meeting with uncomfortable. He texted me from the hallway after, saying, “Better not be talkin smack.” I did not respond.

May – July 2017

After the semester ended and my grades had been submitted, personal communication continued. I told him his paper was graded. Maybe I wanted to see if he was just flirting with me because I was his teacher, or if he actually wanted me. Since I was no longer his teacher, that temptation built into something I couldn’t resist. On May 7, [G] asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with him. I told him I thought he was underage, and it would have been inappropriate. He told me he was 21, to which I replied “interesting.” I informed [G] that he had done well on the map portion of his exam but struggled on the remaining parts, as a means of changing the conversation, which he responded:

5/7/2017 22:15

[G]:

My mom has dependency problems and had a set back a couple of days before but since my sister is a therapist she like controls all the news I hear about my mom because she’s feels obligated to for some reason, and she decided to just send me a text about it like an hour before the exam

5/7/2017 22:15

[G]: It’s not an excuse to do poorly, I was just trying to fly through it which was a mistake

I have heard multiple stories from [G] about his mother – ranging from “she’s my hero,” to “she’s an addict,” to “she’s schizophrenic and I haven’t spoken to her in years.” I didn’t pay much attention to this, even though he told me his mom was a teacher earlier in the night and he helped grade her papers “all the time,” which didn’t seem to make sense with the image he was trying to create by calling her an addict. I figured this was just a 21-year-old starving for attention and sympathy, so I figured it was harmless – something I would later found out was anything but. We flirted some more, [G] asking me several times to go out with him. I told him I needed to look into the FSU Handbook to see if our communication could be interpreted as “lewd,” given the content of the conversation mentioned above.

5/7/2017 22:34 [G]: I understand the importance of professionalism

5/7/2017 22:34 [G]: And also understand when it’s time to not be

5/7/2017 22:35 Rebekah: Ahhh

5/7/2017 22:35 Rebekah: [G] you are going to get my [sic] in trouble

5/7/2017 22:36 [G]: No I’m not? Do you realize what some girls do at FSU for a B-

5/7/2017 22:36 Rebekah: That’s gross

5/7/2017 22:37 Rebekah: And now i feel gross

5/7/2017 22:39 [G]: No you don’t you’re not an old man

5/7/2017 22:40 [G]: And who knows if that really happens

5/7/2017 22:43 Rebekah: It does. I know it does

5/7/2017 22:43 Rebekah: And now i realise why that’s so awful and gross

5/7/2017 22:43 Rebekah: I’m really sorry.

5/7/2017 22:45 Rebekah: Cause as freaking adorable as you are, you really are just a kid

5/7/2017 22:46

[G]:

What is? I already passed your class I’m just trying to have fun and grab a drink

5/7/2017 22:46

Rebekah: My rule is i never date students. My second rule was i never date anyone who is closer in age to my son than they are to me, which when i thought you were 18, you were

5/7/2017 22:47

Rebekah: Yeah but you’re talking to a single mom who works too hard with only 13 days left to do anything fun before a month of pain and suffering ha

5/7/2017 22:47

[G]: Do you need me to take a picture of my license lol. You can probably look up my birthdate

5/7/2017 22:48

Rebekah: See that makes me feel old and gross. If you’re that young i really should know better and just walk away lol

5/7/2017 22:53

[G]: Oh okay. I never even really thought about age. But maybe that’s just different from my standpoint. I honestly think you’re overthinking it a lot with all these rules.

5/7/2017 22:53 [G]: I mean like you said, you have 13 days

At around midnight on May 8, 2017, I reciprocated interest in a sexual relationship with [G], which he explicitly said was mutual.

5/7/2017 23:13

Rebekah: Ooh.. so if i told you I’ve had reoccurring fantasies about you that take place

in my office, is that still high school

5/7/2017 23:13 Rebekah: Oh no

5/7/2017 23:13 Rebekah: Can’t share any of that stuff

5/7/2017 23:14

Rebekah: I like being a student and teacher. I want it to stay that way. Sharing one

millionth with a sweet soul like yours would be begging karma to destroy what I’ve worked for

5/7/2017 23:15 [G]: Hmmm reoccurring fantasies

5/7/2017 23:15 [G]: Would it be weird if I told you I’ve had similar ones in your office?

5/7/2017 23:16 Rebekah: Depends on whether or not that’s true

5/7/2017 23:16 [G]: It’s very true. From the first time I sat on that couch.

5/7/2017 23:17 Rebekah: Lol

5/7/2017 23:17 Rebekah: Sure

5/7/2017 23:18

[G]: You were sitting on it right in front of me the day you made the map. You’re

going to tell me that wasn’t running through my mind

5/7/2017 23:18 [G]: You can’t

5/7/2017 23:19

Rebekah: Ok then. How’d it go then? Because mine were so vivid i could write them into sonets

5/7/2017 23:19 Rebekah: [J] was there the entire time lol

5/7/2017 23:20 [G]: Wait with [J] in it too?

5/7/2017 23:20

Rebekah: No i meant That day in my office [J] was there with us so I’m did you just like ignore him entirely ha

5/7/2017 23:21 Rebekah: Not that I’m opposed to that idea… thanks for putting that in my head ha

5/7/2017 23:22

[G]: Well it really got going the time you called me into your office about not paying attention. I mean come on that was perfect. I imagined several scenarios in my head of you taking advantage of vice versa. Using every piece of furniture in the room to our advantage

5/7/2017 23:23 [G]: Desks couch. Pulling out a filing cabinet drawer

5/7/2017 23:23 [G]: I’d like to hear one of these sonets though

5/7/2017 23:23 Rebekah: Not sure how the filling cabinet drawer would play in but ok

5/7/2017 23:24 Rebekah: Oh the couch was definitely in play

5/7/2017 23:24 [G]: That meeting you were talking to me but that’s all I was thinking about

5/7/2017 23:25 Rebekah: Haha the irony

5/7/2017 23:25 Rebekah: So why not make a move

5/7/2017 23:26 Rebekah: I could get I trouble, but you wouldn’t

5/7/2017 23:26 Rebekah: Or do i intimidate you

5/7/2017 23:27 [G]: Idk you seemed legitimately mad at me. It was into it

5/7/2017 23:27 [G]: You throw me so many mixed signals get out of here

5/7/2017 23:30

[G]: Yeah there was once you looked straight at me and I just thought god damn she could dominate me

5/7/2017 23:30 [G]: Say it

5/7/2017 23:31 Rebekah: Yeah.. i probably could

5/7/2017 23:31 [G]: Say it

5/7/2017 23:33

Rebekah: I don’t remember why you were there. You were still in your gym clothes.

Sweaty. It was like i could taste the salt on your neck just looking at you. I think i was upset with you, maybe it was the same day i got on you about paying attention, idk..

5/7/2017 23:34

Rebekah: But i thought about how soft you probably kissed.. what your lips would feel

like laced with mine.. whether it would hurt if i bit your lip before i lifted your shirt off

5/7/2017 23:37

Rebekah: I wondered what you would do. If you’d bother taking my shirt off, or just let

yourself find your way as you kissed across my neck, my shoulder, my chest. I thought you’d probably feel so good I’d let my head drop back.. just feel you on me before i pushed you back onto the couch.. maybe you’d surprise me,

throw me down on it first.

5/7/2017 23:38 Rebekah: Like i said… sonnets

5/7/2017 23:40 Rebekah: Too much?

5/7/2017 23:42

[G]: I remember that day because I was in gym clothes and 90% sure I was getting a hard on I’ve thought about what it must be like to pull your hair and watch your back arch into position. I’ve continuously imagined and thought of you going down on me on that couch and looking up at me. With the blue

lipstick you wore in the earlier weeks. After I watched the first episode of GOT I projected us into that scene

5/7/2017 23:42 [G]: Is that too much?

5/7/2017 23:43 [G]: Those are indeed sonnets

5/7/2017 23:43 Rebekah: So all that time i was teaching..

5/7/2017 23:44 Rebekah: Were you ever paying attention

5/7/2017 23:44 Rebekah: Lol

5/7/2017 23:44 [G]: To you yes

5/7/2017 23:44 Rebekah: Learn anything?

5/7/2017 23:45 [G]: Yes a lot, I usually know when I have to really pay attention in class

5/7/2017 23:46 [G]: You put your number on the board and turned around looked directly at me

5/7/2017 23:47 Rebekah: Did i?

5/7/2017 23:48

Rebekah: So you texted me not because it was a emergency, but just because you

wanted to?

5/7/2017 23:48 [G]: 100%

5/7/2017 23:48 [G]: 50/50 you were demanding. Saw oppuetunity

5/7/2017 23:48 [G]: Opportunity

5/7/2017 23:49 Rebekah: I think i looked at you because i had a feeling you would

5/7/2017 23:49 [G]: Or maybe you wanted me to?

5/7/2017 23:49 Rebekah: Never could tell if you were being nice or flirting

5/7/2017 23:50 Rebekah: Will you did, didn’t you? ;)

5/7/2017 23:50 [G]: I did

5/7/2017 23:50 Rebekah: And then you did it again

5/7/2017 23:50 Rebekah: And again lol

5/7/2017 23:50 [G]: Had to keep you guessing somehow

5/7/2017 23:51

Rebekah: I pushed off meeting you until i knew someone would be in my office last

week

5/7/2017 23:51 [G]: Whys that

5/7/2017 23:52 [G]: You definitely said some stuff after I walked out

5/7/2017 23:53

Rebekah: Rough week. Hot guy in my office who i couldn’t quite read.. just found out i might die in surgery at [myage] in a few weeks…

5/7/2017 23:53 Rebekah: Didn’t want to do something stupid

5/7/2017 23:53 Rebekah: No i really didn’t. I was distracted for a minute though

5/7/2017 23:54 Rebekah: Had to bite my lip, drink some water and get back on task

5/7/2017 23:55 Rebekah: I said you were adorable.

5/7/2017 23:56

Rebekah: And what i meant by that was… thank God we weren’t alone because hot

damn

5/7/2017 23:56 Rebekah: You better not share any of this

5/7/2017 23:56 [G]: We should have been

5/7/2017 23:56 [G]: No that would ruin it

5/7/2017 23:57 Rebekah: Too bad you’re so very far away tonight

5/7/2017 23:57 Rebekah: When i am so, so drunk

5/7/2017 23:58 [G]: I know god damn

5/7/2017 23:59 [G]: Your office though is literally the perfect place theoretically

5/7/2017 23:59 [G]: The room is set up for a porno

During the next several days, [G] and I spoke, via text and phone, almost constantly – starting in early AM and going late into the next night and early the next morning. Our relationship during this period took place entirely via text, messaging and phone calls. I would like to point out that [G] has portrayed this period to others as being initiated or mostly fueled by my interest, but the text messages and photos he sent me (above are just a few of the photos [G] send me during this week) show a mutual interest and communication. Between May 7-15, [G] sent me more than 600 text messages – his characterization that I was “constantly” messaging him misrepresents how often he would message me. While we were flirting, [G] told me he was going to drive back from his home to come see me, which I was excited about. We made plans to get together and have sex when he arrived the night before I was supposed to leave for vacation.

On May 11, 2017, [G] told me that he drove from his home in Englewood, Florida, back to Tallahassee in the middle of the night saying he wanted to see me, although I had told him I had plans to stay in Pensacola for the next four days with my family. I did not see him when he came back to Tallahassee, and [G] told me he had become sick, was throwing up blood and his roommate needed to take him to the hospital. I felt guilty, and said I would stay if he needed help, but he told me to go be with my family, so I did. I thought he was blowing me off that morning when he wasn’t answering his phone, though he said he was sick and sleeping. After I had left, he told me he was being hospitalized, and I thought about coming back to be with him because I felt like his being sick from driving through

the night to see me was my fault. I didn’t come back, though, and I think he resented me somewhat for it. We continued to talk over the next several days, though.

While vacationing with my family, my husband went through my phone and found out about the affair, even though I had already told him I was moving out after my surgery (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time). My husband and I got into a fight about the relationship. [G] claimed my husband called him and told him to stop calling me, or something of that nature. My husband said he has never contacted [G], then or any other time. Given how often [G] has lied to me and how long I’ve known my husband, I believe my husband that [G] is lying. I asked [G] to delete the texts and pictures we had sent each other. I got upset with him, and asked him if the last several days were a joke and if he was planning on sharing those messages. I was embarrassed, told him that he had his fun and that he should leave me alone. I told him he was a jerk, and he responded:

“I didn’t want to trick you or do any of that. I drove home yesterday to see you! I didn’t realize that already I was having such a strong impact on your life. You’re the most brilliant individual I have ever come to know. I tried as hard as I could to get home yesterday to see you but it just didn’t work out. I didn’t do this on purpose, it wasn’t intentional. I thought maybe I could see you when you get back from your vacation. I wouldn’t ever do anything to get you into trouble.

You’re a phenomenal teacher… you engage your students, not many professors can actually say that. You’re one of the strongest people I know from what you have told me. I want to be your friend, I want to see you on FSU again. I’m sorry that it just didn’t work out these weird two or three days. I really tried to make it work. I keep to myself like I said. You don’t ever have to worry about something like that. I’m your friend. I like you. A lot.”

I told him the short fling with him was a mistake, that it was inappropriate of me, and that I was sorry for engaging in a relationship with him. He responded, “You know what really would have been a fuck up? If something happened in your office during the semester. If I made a move. If I came when you were staying late. Imagine those implications you did nothing wrong.” The day was intensely

emotional, but calmed down eventually. Once I stopped texting him as frequently, [G] informed me he had gone to an urgent facility, saying, “I was looking in the mirror when I woke up and blood just started poring from my nose. I drove up here to see you, I wouldn’t blow you off for no reason or intentionally ignore you.” I don’t think this story is true, given all the other times he has lied to me. I think he made this up to get sympathy from me since I was saying I wanted to end our brief infatuation.

Several hours, later, he told me had gone back to urgent care.

Our conversations continued throughout the next few days. At one point, [G] began talking about his mother, who he had told me several days before he had been estranged from for some time. I later found out, through [G]’s own admission, that the entire story was a fabrication. On May 12, [G] told me his mother and grandmother were both schizophrenic. He made up a very elaborate story to get my sympathy after I was angry and short with him about blowing me off the previous morning. I never really believed this story – [G] had told me just three days prior that his mother was an addict, and before that he told me that she was a teacher. I again thought this was just an attempt for attention. I thought it was harmless, but it shows a pattern of making up elaborate lies and stories for attention that would continue throughout our relationship.

[G] seemed somewhat unstable, and I started questioning whether or not I could trust him. I was concerned he was going to tell my supervisors about our relationship, because at the time I was not sure whether I had broken any rules. Our brief flirting ended, at both our request, on May 13. I apologized via Facebook on May 14, and [G] added me as a “friend” on Facebook on May 16. I did not text [G] from May 15 until June 4, and most of our communication from May 15 until August happened via Facebook messenger – a change I made since my husband had gone through my text messages before. We continued talking occasionally for the next few weeks on messenger, until our last conversation on social media or via text message on May 30, which was amicable.

The first time I saw [G] in person (outside of messages and multimedia) after final exams was June 6, 2017, when I ran into him while at the mall with my husband and son. It was the first time I had been out since my surgery, and we decided to go to the mall to walk around because it was hot outside. I was surprised to see him there – on the first day I was out, no less. We spoke briefly – mostly about how our summers were going and [G]s job at a summer camp. He was with another woman, and I was somewhat hurt to see had moved on so quickly, though I didn’t make anything of it. We spoke infrequently over the next several days. On June 21, [G] messaged me via Facebook saying, “Honestly, after seeing you with your family at the mall it really did it for me. I’m not a home wrecker.” I called [G] several times that night and the next night, until he told me to leave him alone. I did not contact [G] again for more than a month after he asked me to leave him alone. He was done with me for now, either because I had become obnoxious, he had other playthings, or both. But he was done.

August 2017

I thought things were over with [G] after our conversation on June 21, and having just left my husband, I felt OK with the calmness of not being involved with someone. I had my own place, and was picking up the pieces of my soon-to-be post-marriage life with my son. I thought about messaging [G] a few times, but was busy teaching and taking care of my son. I didn’t want the distraction just as I was getting my life together. After no contact since June 21, [G] messaged me at 1:41 a.m. via Facebook messenger on August 2, apologizing for things he had said earlier in the summer. He asked me if I had moved out yet, and I told him yes. He told me he had seen me several times on campus, and said “Watch your back.” He said this was a joke, asked if I still had the same office, and asked me if I still had sex dreams about him. We flirted via messenger sporadically throughout the day.

On August 3, he asked me, “What would you even do if I just randomly showed up,” to which I said “I’d be pretty surprised.” He responded, “And then probably tell me to leave.” I did not know it, but while texting me that, [G] was on his way to my office. He showed up, without an invitation or notice, and tried to kiss me. I turned away and told him I couldn’t do that. I was nervous, but wasn’t sure why the sudden interest again. I had not kissed anyone but my husband in years. I wanted to kiss him, but needed more.

We talked for a period, and then when he kissed me again, I let him. We made out for three hours. We touched each other. Kissing him felt amazing. I thought all that anticipation would inevitably lead to let down if we ever did hook up, but it was beyond what I could have expected. He said he wanted to have sex in my office, unprotected, now, but I told him I could not. I was not having sex without a condom, and it was still daytime and people would hear us. He begged me to just let him inside of me, “just a second” he said. I resisted, though I really did want to have sex with him. I told him I’d come see him that night after I finished my work and he had time to get condoms. He pinned me against the door, touching me and kissing my neck. I asked him what time, he said about eight. I asked him where, he said White Drive. This is how I learned [G]’s address – he told me while we were kissing in my office, on August 3. I spent the next few hours working hard, trying to finish as early as I could so that I could see him again, touch him again. Before he left, he pulled down his shorts and flashed his penis to me at least three times. I told him that was not OK and I would not look at it, but he kept doing it. I wanted to wait until that night, he didn’t.

This was the first actual sexual encounter [G] and I had, and the first time I had ever been to his house. When I came over after work that night, I was early. He seemed caught off-guard, and only let me into the area near the front of the door, like he was guarding me from seeing something or someone. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, except that it was weird that he suddenly didn’t want to fuck like animals the way he said he did just hours earlier.

He told me his roommate’s girlfriend had slipped and cut herself on glass and there was “blood everywhere,” and that we “couldn’t do it here” tonight. So we kissed outside his house and I left. He told me rain check, and we agreed that I would come over the same time the next night. When I came over on August 4, [G] was with friends, drunk and high, and told me I couldn’t be there, so I left. I wasn’t sure why the sudden change – from wanting to have sex without condoms in office on a whim, to turning me away when I showed up later. Now I see that my rejecting him in my office probably made him angry. He didn’t get his way. He wanted me the way he wanted me – in my office, no condoms, when he came over – and was punishing me for not doing it the way he wanted.

After this, he ignored my calls and messages for about a week, until August 15, when he told me he wanted to be in a sexual relationship with me again. We began making plans to see each other, and began sending sexual messages – images and texts – to each other. Also on August 15, [G] video called me while he was masturbating. I was not expecting the video call and was with my family when I received it. Most of our relationship was at [G]’s will and whim – meaning, he would ignore me between periods of when he wanted to hook up, but even after weeks of not talking, we always ended up getting back together. He would literally show up to my office uninvited and pull down his pants to try to seduce me. I told him this was not OK, but neither of us ever ended the relationship. I am only including these extremely graphic messages and photos because [G] has portrayed this as a one-sided fling he repeatedly tried to flee from and did not encourage, when in fact I was never the one to initiate sexual contact or communication.

We continued to communicate and share sexual messages and images with each other over the next several weeks, until classes resumed the last week of August. The first text message I received from [G] outside of Facebook messenger was on August 28, after [G] and I had both shown up to the same cross-listed geography course. We both left before the class started, and I told him I would drop the course and he should stay enrolled because it was awkward. He called my cell phone and yelled at me, then I hung up on him and sent him a screenshot of the confirmed drop on MyFSU. Then I received the following messages, which again show how [G] would pull back and then re-initiate the relationship even within a matter of hours:

On August 28, [G] came to my office angry with me for not re-enrolling in the class. I told him I felt stupid for behaving like a teenage girl with him, thinking only about sex and not caring about the consequences to each other. He came at me, kissed me, and started taking off my clothes. I want to be clear that I absolutely wanted to have sex with him, and consented to sex that night. The issue of condoms had come up several times before – I had even rejected him once because he didn’t have any. I made it clear I wasn’t having unprotected sex with him – I didn’t know his sexual history and it was too risky with STI’s and pregnancy to be so reckless. As he laid me on the couch and tried to push inside me, I asked him if he brought condoms. I waited while he put it on, anticipating, nervous. We started on the couch, him on top, then moved to the floor. The sex didn’t last long – only about five minutes. But when he ejaculated inside of me, I could feel it. While he was still on top of me, I looked over and saw the condom on the floor. He had taken off at some point when we moved from the couch to the floor, and I hadn’t noticed. I was shaking – partly the exhileration of having sex with someone other than my husband for the first time in eight years, partly all the buildup between [G] and I up to that point, partly the way he talked to me while he was inside of me. And partly the shock and confusion of seeing that empty condom on the floor while he was still inside of me, knowing he ejaculated inside of me when I had so many times said no. After we had sex that night, I sent [G] the following messages:

I was confused and upset, and though I couldn’t put words to it, I had been violated. Everything had been so intense with him, but I felt like I had broken a rule by having sex unprotected. I blamed myself – I knew it was a risk I was taking when having sex with anyone, that a condom might break or something. But this wasn’t that. He took it off. Now, if he had some sort of STI, I was sure to have it, too. I didn’t think much about pregnancy at the time, because even though my birth control was sex to expire the next month, I didn’t think it would fail. I was far more concerned about HPV, gonorrhea, or some more serious STI.

When he came back to my office two nights later, I was still upset with him. But I still wanted him, or rather I wanted to be wanted by him. I thought the damage had been done, and there wasn’t a point of wearing a condom again because whatever he had, I had from the first time we had sex. So we had sex again on August 29, and again the next week. We both agreed that it shouldn’t happen again and that we would remain friends, even though we had sex once more then after we didn’t talk much in the following weeks. I was okay with that, given the confusion, but still was attracted to him and wanted to be with him.

September 2017

When [G] and I were in an “off” period, my husband went through my Facebook messages and my emails and saw that I had resumed a relationship with [G]. My husband and I had separated over the summer, but he let the lease run out on our previous home and was staying in the spare room of my new apartment at the time while he looked for his own place. I went out for a while to pick up a package that was mistakenly delivered to our old address, which is when he went through my emails and Facebook messages and saw our communications. He was very upset, understandably, but did nothing about it at the time. I believe seeing that I had been with someone else made my husband realize that I was leaving him and that I was not bluffing about a divorce, and it changed him. Shortly after, my husband and I had a major breakthrough in our relationship and agreed to work things out. I stopped talking to [G] for about two weeks during this period, as my husband was aware of the affair and I agreed to stop talking to [G] so that we could move on. My husband immediately started taking medication for his anxiety, apologized to me for everything we had been through, and we decided to try to make it work. We had been living separately most of the summer, and had not had sex. We couldn’t talk to each other without fighting, and there wasn’t a drop of intimacy between us while I was seeing [G]. I truly believed my marriage was over. I started the divorce papers months before [G] and I had sex. I moved out, even though it set me back financially. I even had to get a short term loan from the University to put a down payment on my place. I was gone. Realizing that I was gone for real changed my husband.

In September, I took a pregnancy test at home that was positive, and [G] found out, he claims, through a message sent by my husband to [G]’s cell phone. I have checked my husband’s phone records during this period and found no communication to [G] then or at any time since. I believe it is more likely [G] heard a rumor from his roommate, who was at the time enrolled in the course I was teaching and may have overheard a joke about being pregnant I made with another student in the class. A student asked if I had been at a bar the night before, and I laughed and said no – not only do I not go to bars, I said, but I couldn’t drink anymore, anyways. The student asked if I was pregnant and I just laughed, and I believe [G]’s roommate or one of his friends overheard this.. There’s no reason to lie about it. [G] could have just texted me and asked me how I was doing and tried to find out for himself. I wouldn’t have been angry that he found out through his roommate. It would have been my own fault. But that he felt the need to lie is concerning.

It was obviously difficult for my husband to find out about the pregnancy, knowing we had not been intimate since before the summer started and the baby couldn’t be his. I had ended things with [G], but the damage was done. Our reunion was still tenuous, at best, and I was trying to keep the peace at home without involving [G]. His opinion on the matter was irrelevant to me – I was going to make a decision without his input. I didn’t want him involved because I didn’t think he was a good person, and I had an idea about how a 21-year-old guy might react.

As evidenced by the text messages I began receiving in September, [G] immediately began harassing me and pressuring me into having an abortion as soon as he found out. He called me and texted me hundreds of times during that weekend, and demanded I meet him to talk, even after I repeatedly told him to leave me alone. [G] sent me 158 text messages on September 15 and

1. After non-stop harassment, I agreed to see [G] and we met at Cascades Park Sunday, September 17, and we spoke in his car for three hours, at which point I told him I didn’t know what I was planning on doing. He continued to pressure me into an abortion, he kissed me, and immediately started trying to manipulate me.

[G] made me take a pregnancy test to prove I was pregnant, which I did, and continued to pressure me over the next several days. On September 19, I had to cancel office hours because I needed to leave early for a doctor’s appointment. [G] called me telling me his roommate had told him I cancelled office hours for an appointment. I told [G] I was at the doctor’s. He called me frantically, asking me if I was really there. He told me he didn’t see my car in the parking lot. I asked him where he was and what he was doing. He said we was “just freaking out” and went to a place called “the women’s clinic,” which was not where my appointment was. I told him that he cannot show up to my doctor’s appointments like that, and I was extremely uncomfortable with the way he was acting. I told him that he needed to calm down and he couldn’t just show up whenever he wanted. I walked back to my office after my appointment, and [G] arrived shortly after, apologizing for “freaking out.”

[G]’s method of trying to strong-arm me into an abortion by arguing with me and making demands wasn’t working. He could see that. Almost instinctively, he changed his approach. And I was stupid and vulnerable enough to fall for it. We started becoming physically intimate again, and had sex again on September 20, 2017 – just a few days after he found out about the pregnancy. I didn’t tell my husband that I was sleeping with [G] again. I wasn’t sure what [J] was going to do – I had only given [J] a second chance right before this happened, and now I was pregnant with another man’s child. I thought he might leave. I thought he would turn back into his old self. So I started seeing [G] again behind my husband’s back.

I had suspicions about [G]’s sincerity from the start, and the relationship became too intense and overwhelming for me after we spent a few days practically tied to each other in bed. I tried to end things with [G] on September 22, 2017, after I asked if he could stay over at his place instead of mine or at my office. He said he couldn’t because of his roommates. I didn’t believe him. Over the summer he would tell me how he couldn’t wait to get me in his bed, to kick out his roommate as payback for kicking him out because of a girl earlier in the year. It didn’t make sense. I told him that I believed he was lying to me, manipulating me, and using me to try to get me to have an abortion. I blocked him on my cell phone that night but he called me from a blocked number and begged me to give him another chance. I felt bad and I second guessed myself and unblocked him. [G] often went to great lengths to convince me that he cared about me, that his feelings were genuine, and even that he “needed” me. I let myself believe him, despite my doubts, because I was hormonal, pregnant with his child, and unsure of what I was going to do.

I told him that if he was being genuine, he would be there for me when I needed it, not just show up whenever he wanted to talk or have sex. I told him if he meant what he was saying, then the next day I was coming to see him and if was serious about being with me then he would cancel his plans to go out that night and spend time with me at is place. He said he couldn’t, but I told him it was his final chance. When I showed up, his car was in the driveway, but he stopped answering his phone. I think he may have been inside the entire time, but was just pretending to not be home. While I waited in his driveway, his roommates came out and said [G] “didn’t want me there” and I should leave. I was pissed, and confused. All this talk about how genuine his feelings were, but his roommates were talking to me like I was some crazed ex. He had clearly lied about what was going on between us – either that night or maybe even some night before. I was hurt and upset. I blocked him for the weekend and would not talk to him, despite several missed calls from blocked numbers. I told my officemate, [Z], that [G] was not allowed in the office anymore. I told her we ended things and that it was a tumultuous relationship to begin with that I was glad to be out of.

On Monday, September 25, 2017, [G] stormed into my office and left a letter apologizing to me for standing me up, again begging me not to cut him out. [Z] was present when this happened. He came into the office, and I told him firmly that I was busy and didn’t have time for him, He didn’t say a word – he pulled a letter out of his backpack, handed it to me and left. He wrote in the letter he loved me, he needed me and without me he would “lose it.” I again felt bad, and agreed to see him. We planned on getting a hotel room together that week and again in the future, so we could spend the night together. He again said we couldn’t stay at his place because of his roommates, which I knew was a lie, but no matter how many times I told him I didn’t believe him, he just dug in further.

On September 26, 2017, we had sex again. Afterward, I tried to talk to [G] about maybe keeping the baby. [G] pretended to have a panic attack and started dry-heaving in the trash can. He pulled out his hair and talked about how much of a “fuck-up” he was. He said his father would be ashamed of him if he could see how [G] had been treating me. He did this every time I talked about keeping the baby, I told him I wanted to end our relationship, or I told him I wasn’t sure about the situation. He also told me on September 27, 2017 that his cousin had died, who had been bulimic. I am not sure if this story was also made up or was true. [G] was nothing but drama, claiming repeated ER visits, panic attacks, changes in the history with his mother, lies about his roommates, lies about his feelings about me, and more. I did not know what was true or untrue until I read the statement he gave during his interview with the Title IX office, and even then he changed his stories between them, the police, and what he said to me.

We spent the night together at the University Inn on Dewey at Tennessee street near campus on September 28, 2017. We spent hours having sex, sleeping together, and talking. We watched Tosh.0 and ate junk food. I told him that night that I would have an abortion, and that we couldn’t have a relationship afterward. [G] became more distant in the days following; busy with classes, he said. He also claimed his health was deteriorating and he had lost weight from not eating. [J], my husband, and I started talking more about what was happening. [J] said regardless of who was the father, he wanted to be with me and start over together. I wanted to be with [J], but I still had feelings for [G], which I told [J] about. I didn’t tell [G] yet but I had changed my mind about the abortion, and that I didn’t want to have it anymore. I didn’t know how to tell him – I was afraid he would hurt me, that he would snap, that he wouldn’t forgive me.

October 2017

.

On October 2, 2017, I started to express doubts about wanting to go through with having an abortion. I told [G] I was depressed and wasn’t sure about it. Around this time, I stopped taking my anxiety and sleeping medications because I was worried they could cause birth defects, and I had not yet had time to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss the issue. This changed my mood slightly, and I began questioning what I felt was an imbalance in our relationship, to which [G] fervently denied. [G] came to see me that night and we had sex again. This time felt different. It felt real – like we were there together emotionally. I don’t know how he faked that so well, but it was a convincing performance.

In reference to us having sex the night before, on October 2, 2017:

I didn’t want the abortion to be the only reason we were still having a relationship, and I knew I didn’t want to have it, so I lied to [G] on October 4, 2017 and I told him I had the abortion. I felt terrible about it, but I was starting to trust myself more that he was trying to manipulate me and I was tired of pretending that I was going to do it when I had made my mind up days earlier that I was not. It felt dishonest, but I wanted to know what [G]’s intentions really were. If the pregnancy was over, would he disappear? I knew [G] had no plans on being a parent, so I thought maybe it was best he not know if I decided to keep the baby. [J] and I had decided to do this together, and I thought it was best for [G]’s sake that he not know I was keeping it. I had seen him get angry when I suggested that I wasn’t going to do it, and I was afraid of telling him. I told [G] on October 4 that I was “out,” and that the romantic relationship had to end. I felt terrible lying to him, though, and eventually came clean the next day.

10/4/2017 14:26

Rebekah: We need space. Like you said, Tallahassee isn’t very big. I’m sure we’ll see each other around.

On October 5, 2017, [G] showed up to my office angry while I was meeting with a student. He texted me while I was meeting with this student and told me to “just give him the final answer,” and kick him out so that I could meet with [G]. He got irritated when I didn’t kick out the student, circling my office in the hall outside. He waited there for about 40 minutes while I met with this student, even though I told him it wasn’t a good time. After I told him the truth, he again faked a panic attack.

When he used to have them, I would rub his back and hold him and tell him to breathe and calm down. When I tried to do that on this night, he pushed me so hard I fell to the ground. Then he stormed out of my office. I asked him not to leave like that. He said everything was his fault and that he “can’t live with myself.” I said he needed to stop taking the blame for the situation, that I was an adult who made a decision, and that if he wanted to end things, he needed to say so.

10/5/2017 18:27

[G]: I need time to think about this. And I think you do too. I know and see what you’re saying a 100%. But I have myself and thinking about what I’ve done and that I can’t keep doing this I’m literally falling apart. I can’t do this anymore. I need to accept that you’ve already made your decision. I can’t do this none of it feels right to me or what I’m doing to you. I need to think. I need to grow up. It starts with getting through

tonight.

10/5/2017 18:30

Rebekah: I’m not some little bird you’ve clipped the wings off. You are not the only reason I’m falling apart but you one of the only ones who can put me back together so please stop making decisions on my behalf.

10/5/2017 18:31 Rebekah: If you leave me now, it’s because YOU want to.

10/5/2017 18:37

[G]:

I’m not leaving. I just need time to think about all of this and to relax. I’ve been so worried about a decision and after today I really am not the biggest fan of myself. I fee awful and can’t believe myself. I don’t know anything anymore My uncle picked me up pissed af because I was even more late because I broke down when I got home. Not your fault. There

is just too many problems in my life and they’re mostly from me

10/5/2017 18:39 Rebekah: I need to stop all this.

10/5/2017 18:40 Rebekah: You don’t want to help me, or you can’t.

10/5/2017 18:40 Rebekah: So i need to stop

10/5/2017 18:40 [G]: I’m not cutting you out. I need to stop

After finding out I didn’t have the abortion, [G] pulled away, started talking about his depression and his thoughts about going to sleep and never waking up. I think he tried to guilt me into changing my mind, which made me feel terrible. We met the night of October 6, 2017, and I gave him a letter I had written that was part justification for not wanting to have an abortion, and part reconsidering the idea. I was confused and everything going on with [G] and [J] was making me feel like my heart was torn in two. I was worried about [G]. I tried to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he shouldn’t hate himself over anything that happened, and that I was there for him if he needed me.

10/6/2017 12:08 [G]: God I feel so awful and not myself anymore

10/6/2017 12:09 [G]: I want to sleep and never wake up

10/6/2017 17:43

[G]: I just want to sleep and never wake up I just need to keep reading your letter

10/6/2017 17:43 Rebekah: What? I thought you had left hours ago

10/6/2017 17:44 Rebekah: Please don’t talk like that. You know if you needed me I’d be there

10/6/2017 17:44 [G]: No I can’t do it. I can’t be around my parents like this

10/6/2017 17:45

Rebekah: I’m so sorry. I wanted to help. I thought maybe you would be ok this weekend.

10/6/2017 17:46 Rebekah: Please let me be with you if it would help even a little

10/6/2017 18:03 Rebekah: I don’t want you to be alone tonight

10/6/2017 18:04

[G]: I’m going to talk to my mom on the phone for awhile and most likely go to sleep. I’m sorry it’s

10/6/2017 18:05 Rebekah: Let me take you to dinner. Please

10/6/2017 18:05 [G]: Really not you I just want to be by myself I just don’tp

10/6/2017 18:05 [G]: I’m exhausted and can feel like I can actually sleep

10/6/2017 18:05 [G]: Thank you for your letter

10/6/2017 18:06 [G]: I might just go home tomorrow

10/6/2017 18:06 [G]: I don’t know I just I’m sorry

10/6/2017 18:07

Rebekah: You need to eat and i want to know you’re ok. Let me take you to dinner and we can not talk about any of this, have a drink and laugh with each other again

10/6/2017 18:08

[G]: No I’m sorry I can’t I just want to be alone I’m sorry it’s not you. I ate a little earlier I’m sorry I just can’t please understand. I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’m sorry thank you so much for your letter it means so much to me

10/6/2017 18:10

Rebekah: Ok, [G]. If you want me to leave you alone then I will. But i won’t like it. I’ll be so worried about you every minute.

10/6/2017 18:11

[G]: Please don’t be I’m not going to do anything harmful I just can’t with everything.

Over the course of the next several days, his entire demeaner changed. I became frustrated and hurt by the way he spoke to me and treated me, and he became increasingly distant. He began making statements like, “I just want to go to sleep and never wake up,” “I don’t like myself,” “this is all my fault,” “I know this is all going to come back to me in like two years, if I even make it to then.” From about October 6-13, I began to seriously worry for his personal safety. On October 7, after [G] had stated at least four times that he wanted to “sleep and never wake up,” I asked one of his roommates to check in on him throughout the night. When [G] found out I did this, he texted me, “Rebekah I just saw this. I will probably be alright what did you text [C]? I don’t want him telling my parents that I’m thinking bashing my head through a wall. I just don’t know wtf to do.” When I told [G] I was going to call his parents to get him help, he asked me not to, saying “Because that will complicate things and make everything x5 more stressful.” I also told [G] on October 7 that the relationship was stressing me out, and that I couldn’t do it anymore.

[G] told me he had gotten sicker, that he was becoming severely depressed and that he needed a break from the stress. I tried to be supportive; I asked if he needed anything, if I could check up on him, and I tried to clarify where our relationship stood. [G] claims during this period he was lying to me to avoid me, which wasn’t necessary because I told him several times it was fine if he didn’t want to see each other, that I was worried about him but I knew things had changed between us. On October 8, [G] told me he was “throwing up bits of blood.” I asked his roommate to check in on him to make sure he was OK. I didn’t want to show up to his house and cause problems, but I was worried about him because of the things he was saying and didn’t know what else to do. On October 8, [G] texted me saying, “I can’t live like this anymore.” I told him I needed to see him, to check on him to make sure he was OK, but he said I could not come over because his roommate was still sleeping. I continued talking to him, though both of us likely only stressed each other even more than before. We met that night at Cascades Park and talked for a while.

10/7/2017 11:17

[G]: I’m not trying to hurt you. I don’t know Rebekah. I’m not going to the game I’m so sick I’m just staying here with everyone else but In a dark room sleeping. I got really sick last night. I’m just trying to get through all of this one minute at a time. I just want to sleep forever

10/7/2017 11:19 Rebekah: I’ll put on my ninja suit and sneak in and take care of you

10/7/2017 11:55

[G]: I can’t I’m sorry. I just can’t do any of this I’m sorry. I just need a break from everything

10/7/2017 11:56 Rebekah: Ok. I’m sorry.

10/7/2017 11:56

[G]: I’ve got a fever from all of this I just get like this when I feel awful about everything and physically

10/7/2017 11:58

Rebekah: I don’t want you to feel awful. I thought my letter would show you why this isn’t your fault, how it’s not you influencing me.

10/7/2017 12:08 Rebekah: I thought you would understand. I’m sorry

10/7/2017 12:19

Rebekah: You don’t have to hide from me or lie to me. I never want us to be

dishonest with each other again.

10/7/2017 12:26

[G]: I’m not hiding or lying to you. It’s just me and this fever. I’m not pushing you away. I understand. Your letter makes me happy and helps me. I just need more rest and a break from everything. Before another sleepless week

10/7/2017 12:43 Rebekah: You mean a break from me? That’s ok if it helps you.

10/7/2017 12:54 [G]: No school, life, everything. I’m taking some actual sleeping pills

10/7/2017 13:12 Rebekah: Be careful. Don’t take too many.

10/7/2017 20:49 Rebekah: I can’t do this anymore

10/7/2017 20:51

[G]: You’re telling me I’ve gotten physically ill. And just want to sleep my life away and quit school

10/7/2017 20:52 Rebekah: I meant I can’t do this with you

10/7/2017 20:53 [G]: I don’t know what to do

10/7/2017 20:57

Rebekah: I think that’s what you want…. for it to be over… so I’m not going to try anymore. I won’t pressure you. I can’t chase you like this.

10/7/2017 20:57 Rebekah: I can’t.

10/7/2017 21:16

[G]:

I haven’t checked out. I’m sick from all of this. I can’t eat all I can do now is sleep barely. Thank god. I told you I would be under for awhile from drugs. I wish you wouldn’t have gotten mad at me like that. I read your letter as much as I can because it helps me here in my sick bed. I told you o just don’t feel good about anything in my life now and I just don’t want to be around anyone. Just sleeping for years. A come

10/7/2017 21:16 [G]: Coma

10/7/2017 21:20 Rebekah: I don’t know what’s going on anymore

10/7/2017 21:20

Rebekah: I wish I could take that letter back.. or go back and stop myself from

writing it

10/7/2017 21:21 [G]: Why why why it means so so much to me

10/7/2017 21:21 [G]: So much

10/7/2017 21:22

[G]: Please don’t say that. It’s helping me get through this please don’t be

upset with me I’m not pushing you away

10/7/2017 21:38

[G]: Please don’t say that. I can’t get through this without any of it. I’m sorry I’m getting like this from being sick and just hating myself for all of it. I know it’s confusing I’m confused. I thought you didn’t expect answers right away. We’re just trying to get through this and I’m trying to be alive. I thought we understood each others feelings. We’ve made love we’ve felt the passion through eachother. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us after whatever happens I can’t see the future I don’t want to cut you out. I just don’t like myself. I’m just taking everything by a minute. I want to at least keep being your friend after all of this. Your letter means so much to me please don’t get upset by my incompetence with myself and life

10/7/2017 21:46

[G]:

It’s not that I don’t need you. I just can’t with life. I’m checking out of it. I wanted to go home this weekend to make it easier. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t be in a car that long. That’s why I’m here by myself just trying to prepare for everything. Reading your letter to help me. I love it.

Everything. I know it hard for you to understand about not being in person it’s just that I don’t know. I just want to cry and sleep and never wake up like how I was in your office. Just disgusted. I just don’t like myself. I wish I

was someone else. I just don’t like it

10/7/2017 22:29

Rebekah: I asked [C] to keep an eye on you. I can’t just sit back and let this happen,

and you won’t let me help you.

10/7/2017 22:29

Rebekah: I’m sorry, [G]. I can’t stomach you being like this and not do anything about it

10/7/2017 22:30 Rebekah: It’s best we just stop talking for a while. Because i can’t stand this

10/7/2017 22:35

[G]: Rebekah I just saw this. I will probably be alright what did you text cole? I don’t want him telling my parents that I’m thinking bashing my head

through a wall. I just don’t know wtf to do

On October 9, 2017, [G] told me that his roommate was driving him to urgent care because he was “afraid for my safety.” He told me he was diagnosed with the flu and strep throat, and that he was going to take an anxiety test. We were together on October 8, the day before, and kissed and I was fine, not that that disproves he had either condition, but I was skeptical. He told me he threw up all over the doctor’s office and fainted, and that he “can’t do this.” I asked him what I could do to help him, and he said, “I don’t know how to help myself that’s why I’m here at the doctors being tested for mental problems and stuff I’m going to break down. I just want to go home.” Three minutes later, he told me was in the hospital and going back for a test. I told him, “[G] you need help. Let them help you.” Shortly afterward, he told me he left. I again asked him to let me check in on him, and he told me that his mother was driving up from Englewood that night to take care of him.

10/8/2017 9:28 [G]: I’m planning on seeing a doctor today. If you can on a Sunday

10/8/2017 9:30 Rebekah: Yeah you can

10/8/2017 9:30

[G]: A throwing up bits of blood that bad. Online says I’m either dying or have TB

10/8/2017 9:31 Rebekah: You said you’ve done that before… in May

10/8/2017 9:32 [G]: Yeah so can’t be that bad I guess

10/8/2017 9:32 Rebekah: unless you made that whole thing up

10/8/2017 9:33 [G]: God I hate the way I feel about everything

10/8/2017 9:33 [G]: It’s just a little red here or there

10/8/2017 9:33

Rebekah:

If you cough a lot you can tear up your throat. It’s not usually a big deal.

10/8/2017 9:37 [G]: That’s what I figured.

10/8/2017 9:37 [G]: You emailed [C]

10/8/2017 9:39 Rebekah: I told you last night i did that

10/8/2017 9:39 Rebekah: What did he say

10/8/2017 9:40 [G]: Just confused. I haven’t hurt myself

10/8/2017 9:41 [G]: I can’t live like this anymore

10/8/2017 9:42 Rebekah: You can’t just say stuff like that

10/8/2017 9:44

[G]: I’m going to call my mom at the doctors. I’m so close to just spilling everything

10/8/2017 9:45 Rebekah: For fuck sakes just let me come over

10/8/2017 9:45 Rebekah: You’re talking about things that are going to effect my life now, too

10/8/2017 9:46

[G]: I can’ I’m just talking like this. I can’t tell my mom anything and I have to keep pressing on

10/8/2017 9:47 Rebekah: You can’t what?

10/8/2017 9:47 [G]: Have you come over I’m sorry. [C] is even still sleeping

10/8/2017 9:49

Rebekah: I didn’t mean right now. Im going to go home, grade some stuff, shower, and come over later, around 3. And you have to see me… at your place or somewhere else, i don’t care, but I’m telling you that you have to see me

10/8/2017 10:11 Rebekah: Do you understand?

10/8/2017 10:17 [G]: Ok

10/8/2017 10:18 Rebekah: That is ok then?

10/8/2017 10:21

[G]:

I can meet you somewhere I guess. I’m just saying that I’m sick just about as much as I’ve ever been. I’m terrified of all of this and stressed to the max hat I just want shrivel up. And best of all have shit due tonight

10/8/2017 15:46

[G]: Can’t I just see you sooner. I have medications that are going to make me pass out. I’m physically exhausted from heaving

10/8/2017 15:47

Rebekah:

I don’t want seeing me to be some terrible burden on you

10/8/2017 15:49

[G]:

It’s not a terrible burden. I’m just fucking passing in and out of consciousness and keep jumping awake scared of passing out because I know I’ll fall so deep I won’t wake up and then you’ll get upset but okay

10/8/2017 15:51 [G]: I’m trying Rebekah

10/8/2017 16:04 Rebekah: If i got there by 5 would that be ok

10/8/2017 16:05 [G]: Yes I can meet you somewhere at 5

10/8/2017 16:06 Rebekah: Ok where

10/8/2017 16:07 [G]: Same place?

10/8/2017 16:10 Rebekah: The panera bread? Really?? Can we go to cascades or something instead?

10/8/2017 16:11 [G]: I guess but I can’t get out of the car and walk around. I’ll throw up

10/8/2017 16:15 [G]: I can’t do this long. I’m gonna throw up now

10/8/2017 16:30 [G]: Planning on meeting there at 5?

10/8/2017 16:30

Rebekah: Ok. Im running behind. Just got out of the shower, going to put some clothes on, braid my hair back and try to leave soon

10/8/2017 16:30 [G]: It’s fine

10/8/2017 16:45 Rebekah: Sorry… erything takes 10 times longer with a kid.. leaving in 5 minutes

10/8/2017 16:58

Rebekah: Be there in about 15 mins. Same spot as before? You under the trees if it’s not roped off?

10/8/2017 16:59 [G]: Yes please hurry I’m not doing good

10/8/2017 17:00 Rebekah: I’m hurrying

10/8/2017 17:07 [G]: I’m so sick

10/8/2017 17:10 Rebekah: Almost there

10/9/2017 17:40

[G]:

I tested positive for flu and and a form of strep throat sore throat just now. Going to be prescribed amoxicillin and tamiflu. Also getting prescribed something to help me sleep and am going through an anxiety test

10/9/2017 17:40 [G]: I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to upset you I’m upset

10/9/2017 17:41 Rebekah: I hope I don’t get sick from kissing you =/

10/9/2017 18:00 Rebekah: Are you ok?

10/9/2017 18:10 [G]: Threw up all over Doctor. and room and fainted. I can’t do this

10/9/2017 18:11

Rebekah: I don’t know what to do when you say you can’t do this… what can I do?

What do you want me to do? How do I help you????

10/9/2017 18:13

[G]: I can’t go to school tonight. I can’t even make it out of this office. Heard doctor say IV I m scared for everything

10/9/2017 18:13

Rebekah: I wasn’t expecting you to come tonight. Maybe you need an IV, get fluids in you

10/9/2017 18:23

Rebekah: I don’t know what to do when you say you can’t do this… what can I do? What do you want me to do? How do I help you????

10/9/2017 18:29 Rebekah: Please tell me how to help you

10/9/2017 18:30

[G]: I don’t know how to help myself that’s why I’m here at the doctors being tested for mental problems and stuff I’m going to break down. I just want to go home

10/9/2017 18:31

[G]: I don’t know why I agreed to these should have just gone home with the flu

10/9/2017 18:31 [G]: And fucking strep

10/9/2017 18:32

Rebekah: [G] please let me help you. Let me be there for you or something… anything please

10/9/2017 18:33 [G]: I’m in a hospital

10/9/2017 18:33 [G]: I’m going in to test now

10/9/2017 18:33 Rebekah: You’re at the God damn hospital?????? Which one???

10/9/2017 18:35

[G]: It’s not a hospital. I don’t even know I don’t even remeber the drive. It’s a clinic

10/9/2017 18:36 [G]: I’m baking out of this they can’t make me do this

10/9/2017 18:37 Rebekah: What?? [G] you need help. Let them help you

10/9/2017 18:48 Rebekah: [G] where are you

10/9/2017 18:51 [G]: I just left with [A] to the pharmacy

10/9/2017 18:52 [G]: I can’t keep my eyes open

10/9/2017 18:54 Rebekah: Is there anything I can do

Also on October 9, when I had told [G] I would go to the clinic to talk to the doctors, I told [G] I felt terrible about everything that had happened, and that I wasn’t sure about us or his feelings for me.

10/9/2017 0:12

[G]:

Don’t be nervous don’t be scared. You are strong. Think of me and when we look into each others eyes. You can feel it. I’m always there with you

10/9/2017 0:13

[G]: Have you’ve heard of The Velvet Underground? Try Pale Blue Eyes. Beginning starts off weird, but I’ve listened to it a lot recently thinking

10/9/2017 5:11 [G]: You’ve got this.weve got thois please don’t forget about me

10/9/2017 7:04 [G]: Please be okay and awake

10/9/2017 7:21 Rebekah: I’m awake, I’m ok. Sorry. Busy getting [J] ready earlier

10/9/2017 9:19

Rebekah: Sorry. I really don’t feel good and just want to lay in my bed and listen to

music

10/9/2017 9:20 [G]: Okay

10/9/2017 9:20 [G]: Do you promise?

10/9/2017 9:21

Rebekah:

I promise. I’m not out doing anything else with someone else. I’m home.

10/9/2017 11:24 Rebekah: I miss that part of you that loves me, not the part that doesn’t trust me

10/9/2017 11:25

[G]: It’s the part that fell asleep in your arms. The part that you fell asleep in my arms

10/9/2017 11:32 [G]: Did you listen to my song

10/9/2017 12:06

[G]:

I love the way that you have been so understanding of me from the beginning. After everything I’ve done to make this horrible. I love how when you hold me I calm down and rest easier 99% of the time. I love how you knew my name the first day I saw you. I love how you opened up to me the way no one else before and it means so much to me. I love how you would risk anything for me. I love how even though I am disgusting you still don’t mind. I love how you’re always there for me. I love that you’re an incredibly strong individual. I wish everything how this happened was different.

10/9/2017 12:06 [G]: Maybe I need to write a letter

On October 10, [G] told me that, “my mom thinks I’m mentally insane and I can’t even say why.” I told [G] that I was going to talk to his mother because he was worrying me. He told me not to because, “if you told my mom I think it would just make everything worse.” When I told him that I had to tell someone that he wasn’t just sick with the flu, he said, “If you tell my mom I can’t ever speak to you again. That was never my intention.” I told him again that I had to tell her, and he said, “This is going to end me as an individual. I don’t know where I’m going after this or what will happen.” He began using never talking to me again as an ultimatum to keep me from telling anyone what was happening. I felt extremely uncomfortable and was unsure of what to do.

On October 11, [G] said his condition was worsening, and that he couldn’t come to campus.

Of all the communication I’ve shared in the attached documentation, none concerned as much as the texts I received on October 11. [G] asked me if he could drop off a letter to my house, which I told him was fine, but he continued to act strangely.

In the morning, [G] said he wanted to end our relationship, which upset me, and he continued to talk about how sick and upset he was. He told me that his mom thought he was “insane.” Later in the day, he said he wanted to see each other and still be together, but I told him to stop talking to me. I told him I didn’t want to have the abortion so there was no point in him continuing the charade. He then told me that he talked to his mom and that he was going to drop his courses and go home. He then said, “My blood pressure is at abnormal levels. My immune system has been greatly weakened. I’ve been deemed emotionally disturbed. My mom is looking to get a leave of sickness from the school.” I told [G] that I couldn’t tell him what to do, but that I thought he had worked too hard to quit school and what happens with me shouldn’t determine whether he finishes his degree. I reminded him that he broke up with me and that he should just walk away. He then said he didn’t mean it, that he was upset, that he messed up, etc. He then said he was OK if my husband and I raised the child as our own, but then said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do when it all comes back. If I make it till then.”

We continued this conversation throughout the day. At one point, [G] said, “I didn’t want to alienate you I didn’t want today to go the way it did. I just panicked and freaked out and messed up. I have nothing to lie to you about… you’ve seen me break down. I didn’t mean to say it so harshly like that. I panicked I freaked out. I’ve never cared for anyone that wasn’t family like the way I did. I promise my letter will explain stuff like this better than these texts. I know you don’t believe that but it’s true. I felt intimate that night in the hotel. It’s the future that scared me from the beginning.”

I decided to message [G]’s mother on Facebook and tell her that [G] had been behaving unusually and that I was concerned for him. I noticed about an hour later that I was blocked by his mother’s account, and I asked [G] what he said that would make her block me. He said, “I’m not telling people anything. I blocked you on my moms phone myself. She dosent know how to use technology. I blocked the message so she wouldn’t be more terrified of my safety.” He told me he had saved us both from a “major problem,” but when I asked him what problem he saved us from, he said, “She freaks out just like me. She would just freak out. I don’t want her freaking out on you or anything that’s not fair to you. I told you I talked to her. It’s the concern for my safety. I just convinced her that I don’t need to be in a fucking straight jacket. Moms do not need to keep hearing that their son is going to hurt themselves.” Reading [G]’s statements supplied to FSU, this appears to be a lie, and his mother likely blocked me herself as she was not visiting. He likely told her some elaborate lie about why I had sent the message.

10/11/2017 11:56 Rebekah: I really hope you get better. But please leave me alone

10/11/2017 11:57 [G]: You’re not making any sense

10/11/2017 11:57 [G]: I told you I could see you

10/11/2017 11:58 Rebekah: I don’t care [G]

10/11/2017 11:58 Rebekah: You wanted out of my life. So get the fuck out

10/11/2017 11:58 [G]: No that’s not what I said.

10/11/2017 11:59 Rebekah: And you’re right. I told my husband I’d stop talking to you weeks ago.

10/11/2017 11:59 Rebekah: So I’m done

10/11/2017 13:44 Rebekah: I guess not. I don’t know why I thought you would.

10/11/2017 13:57 [G]: What do you mean know what happens

10/11/2017 13:58 Rebekah: I’m at the doctors with [J]. Can’t talk

10/11/2017 14:00 [G]: What happens

10/11/2017 14:06 Rebekah: ?

10/11/2017 14:21 Rebekah: Are you saying you want to know if I keep it, or don’t and keep it?

10/11/2017 14:23 [G]: Yes. Can I call you?

10/11/2017 14:23 Rebekah: Still at the doctors

10/11/2017 14:24 Rebekah: Kids doctors appointments always last hours

10/11/2017 14:24 [G]: Can’t step out for a minute?

10/11/2017 14:24 Rebekah: I’m not doing through that again

10/11/2017 14:25 [G]: The other way

10/11/2017 14:25 Rebekah: I am not. So don’t even ask or try

10/11/2017 14:30 [G]: My mom wants to talk to you

10/11/2017 14:33 Rebekah: No. I’m at the doctors with my son.

10/11/2017 14:33

Rebekah: You can tell whoever you want but that doesn’t mean I have to be involved

in the fallout

10/11/2017 14:35

[G]: Okay, what happens if you decide to have the baby. You said before that you could never cut me out. That you couldn’t do that. That you couldn’t do any of this.

10/11/2017 14:37 Rebekah: Well given how you’ve acted the last few days ill manage

10/11/2017 14:38

[G]:

I didn’t want any of this. I wrote you a letter. You probably don’t want it.

10/11/2017 14:39

[G]: My mom and I talked and I’m dropping my classes this semester before they

go onto my transcript. Spending the semester at home.

10/11/2017 14:43

[G]: My blood pressure is at abnormal levels. My immune system has been greatly weakened. I’ve been deemed emotionally disturbed. My mom is looking to get a leave of sickness from the school

10/11/2017 14:44 [G]: This is all out of my hands

10/11/2017 14:49

[G]: I can’t even read your letter it just hurts. When it made me feel so much better.

10/11/2017 14:50

[G]: I’m not abondoning you. You said your husband would raise it and have his

name

10/11/2017 14:51

Rebekah: It will have MY name, just like [J]. And I’m sorry you’re so stressed but all I ever wanted was to be there for you

10/11/2017 14:51 Rebekah: Burn my letter if you hate me this much.

10/11/2017 14:52 Rebekah: I never even got yours

10/11/2017 14:53 [G]: Are you and [J] going to raise it

10/11/2017 14:53

Rebekah: I don’t know what to tell you to do. Maybe taking the semester off is what’s best for you. But you have to come back. You have to finish school. You know that right?

10/11/2017 14:53 Rebekah: It might be just me. I’m ok with that.

10/11/2017 14:53 [G]: I’ll probably finish school somewhere else.

10/11/2017 14:54 Rebekah: You can’t do that.

10/11/2017 14:54 [G]: Why?

10/11/2017 14:54

Rebekah: You have one semester left. You could probably do online classes to make up for this semester

10/11/2017 14:55 Rebekah: Because you’ve worked too hard to get a degree from a lesser school.

10/11/2017 14:55 Rebekah: Because you want to go to law school

10/11/2017 14:55 Rebekah: Because you wouldn’t leave fsu just because I’m here

10/11/2017 14:55 Rebekah: Shouldn’t*

10/11/2017 14:57

Rebekah: this is way over the top. Get a medical leave for the semester, come back in the spring and finish. You’re too smart and capable not to.

10/11/2017 14:57 Rebekah: If I have to disappear from your life to do that then fine

10/11/2017 14:57 Rebekah: I’ll vanish

10/11/2017 14:58

Rebekah: You made it pretty clear this morning that being with me isn’t good for you,

that it’s not what you want anymore.

10/11/2017 14:59

[G]:

I can’t come back to tally. I don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t know a plan. I thought I had a plan in life. I don’t know about law school. I just wanted to feel normal. I know you hate hearing that but that’s the only way I can think to actually feel like myself again. Please don’t taunt me with this. All of this is a 100% my fault from the very first day. All of it. I’m sorry to you. I really am I never want anyone to feel like you do. Never had. My feelings for you weren’t made up and I wasn’t playing you. I’m just not in love. I never have been. I just don’t understand and I think that’s the biggest problem and it’s not fair to you.

10/11/2017 14:59 [G]: I’m sorry

10/11/2017 15:00 Rebekah: You finishing school should have nothing to do with me

10/11/2017 15:00 [G]: It dosent. Didn’t mean for it to sound like that

10/11/2017 15:01 Rebekah: normal?

10/11/2017 15:02 Rebekah: I guess what I want doesn’t matter. It never did.

10/11/2017 15:02 [G]: I’m not going to go home. I can’t quit this semester

10/11/2017 15:02 [G]: I can’t do that

10/11/2017 15:02 [G]: I can’t

10/11/2017 15:02 [G]: What do you want

10/11/2017 15:02 Rebekah: You just said you’re quitting the semester and not coming back

10/11/2017 15:03 [G]: I can’t do that. My mom is just giving me options.

10/11/2017 15:03 [G]: I can’t

10/11/2017 15:04 [G]: What do you want from me

10/11/2017 15:04 Rebekah: You were my best and only friend in all this

10/11/2017 15:05

Rebekah: For you to grow up, and be strong because that’s what grown ups do when things are hard. For you to let the people who love you help you and be there for you. For you to be there for the people who need you

10/11/2017 15:05 [G]: It’s just all reached the boiling point for me

10/11/2017 15:06 Rebekah: yeah it did for me too a while ago

10/11/2017 15:07 [G]: How can I be there 9 months and then have to go away

10/11/2017 15:07 Rebekah: I don’t have it all figured out yet

10/11/2017 15:08

[G]: Give your husband what he wants. What all of your family wants to here. I tried to say that before all of this

10/11/2017 15:11 Rebekah: [J] may leave

10/11/2017 15:13

Rebekah: When I find out I was pregnant, [J] and I were still separated. I don’t know what changed with him but he said he needs to talk to me tonight and tell me something so IDK

10/11/2017 15:15 Rebekah: take it easy

10/11/2017 15:18 [G]: I don’t know what to do. I have to not be around

10/11/2017 15:19 Rebekah: Yeah. I know that’s what you want now. I Get it

10/11/2017 15:19 [G]: Will you let me know what happens with everything

10/11/2017 15:20 Rebekah: Why

10/11/2017 15:20 [G]: So I know

10/11/2017 15:20 [G]: To prepare myself

10/11/2017 15:21 Rebekah: You’re not going to be there for me or help me either way

10/11/2017 15:21 Rebekah: Stop making yourself stressed and sicker over this. Just go be normal

10/11/2017 15:37

Rebekah: You broke up with me [G]. Either walk away completely or put your whole self in this with me. Stop keeping one foot in if you really just want to or plan on jumping out again

10/11/2017 16:35

Rebekah: I dont know if you even have a letter, or if I met you somewhere what you

would do or say

10/11/2017 16:36 Rebekah: Or if you would do something stupid, like bring your mom and ambush me

10/11/2017 16:36 Rebekah: I don’t trust you anymore

10/11/2017 16:41

[G]:

I know you don’t trust me. Trust in ourselves is not the best. I can give you the letter tomorrow. If you still want it. I need to change some things and add some too. I broke down today in my room. My mom was pressuring me as to

what was wrong and I was texting you and I just panicked and messed up

10/11/2017 16:42 Rebekah: Messed up how?

10/11/2017 16:46 Rebekah: Are you going to class tomorrow? How did you mess up? What happened

10/11/2017 16:54

[G]:

I just never handled any of this well from the beginning. You hate me for it I hate myself for it. I panicked today and said all that stuff out of fear and humility in the face of my own mother as if she wouldn’t be my biggest crutch. I should have never said those things like that today. Or ever. It just stresses me out so much I panic and my weapon is my phone. I never wanted you to ever feel like this. I know you don’t believe that but it’s true. I just

messed up big time and am going to talk to my father soon

10/11/2017 16:54 Rebekah: You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true

10/11/2017 16:55 [G]: What

10/11/2017 16:56 Rebekah: Everything you said to me was true

10/11/2017 16:57 Rebekah: It all hurt. But at least you were being honest with me

10/11/2017 16:58

[G]: It wasn’t expressed in detail or the right way and I’m sorry for that. Maybe the letter will be better

10/11/2017 16:59

Rebekah:

You didn’t have to say you never loved me, though. That was mean. Even if you never did, you only said that to my hurt me. And it really hurt

10/11/2017 17:00

[G]: I just messed up and handled everything terrible since September 14th or whatever day

10/11/2017 17:24 Rebekah: What should I do here [G]… I dont know what you expect me to do

10/11/2017 17:30 [G]: I don’t know Rebekah. I would like if it raised by your family

10/11/2017 17:31 [G]: I don’t know what I’m going to do when it all comes back

10/11/2017 17:31 [G]: If I make it till then

10/11/2017 17:31 Rebekah: What do you mean all comes back

10/11/2017 17:37 [G]: Like In a couple years when you send me a picture or something

10/11/2017 18:31

[G]: I didn’t want to alienate you I didn’t want today to go the way it did. I just panicked and freaked out and messed up.

10/11/2017 18:34

Rebekah: I told [D] and [C]. You said you told your mom. So how do they not know

10/11/2017 18:35 [G]: I’m talking about the pregnancy

10/11/2017 18:35 Rebekah: Oh

10/11/2017 18:35 [G]: I really wish you wouldn’t have done that

10/11/2017 18:35 Rebekah: Why

10/11/2017 18:36

[G]:

I spent so much time lying to them and now they look at me differently

10/11/2017 18:39 Rebekah: You said you didn’t lie

10/11/2017 18:42 Rebekah: Lol of course you did

10/11/2017 18:42 Rebekah: I have no idea what parts of this were even real

10/11/2017 18:43

[G]: All of it was real. They’re just putting pieces together that’s what I meant. All the things I deferred or swept under the rug

10/11/2017 18:45

Rebekah:

I’m supposed to trust you that you’ve lied to everyone in your life but me?

10/11/2017 18:46

Rebekah: The same day you ended things between us? Telling me that you never

loved me.. That you never wanted to hold me or kiss me again

10/11/2017 18:50

[G]: I have nothing to lie to you about… you’ve seen me break down. I didn’t mean to say it so harshly like that. I panicked I freaked out. I’ve never cared for anyone that wasn’t family like the way I did. I promise my letter will explain stuff like this better than these texts. I know you don’t believe that but it’s true. I felt intimate that night in the hotel. It’s the future that scared

me from the beginning.

10/11/2017 18:54

Rebekah: I don’t know what to do. Earlier you wanted to never see me again, then you hated me and were going to quit school and never see me again, now you’re talking to me like we’re still in this together… I don’t know… I don’t understand what I am to you…

10/11/2017 19:32 Rebekah: What the hell did you tell your mother that led her to block me

10/11/2017 19:32 Rebekah: What the hell are you telling people

10/11/2017 19:34 Rebekah: [G] what have you said

10/11/2017 19:35

[G]: I’m not telling people anything. I blocked you on my moms phone myself. She dosent know how to use technology. I blocked the message so she

wouldn’t be more terrified of my safety

10/11/2017 19:35 Rebekah: …….

10/11/2017 19:35 Rebekah: Doing shit like that, maybe she should be

10/11/2017 19:36 Rebekah: Did you delete [C]’s email, too?

10/11/2017 19:36

[G]: No [C] saw that. I understand you sending me that message. I saved us both a bigger problem if she read that message too.

10/11/2017 19:37 Rebekah: How

10/11/2017 19:37 Rebekah: What bigger problem did you save us both from

10/11/2017 19:38

[G]: She freaks out just like me. She would just freak out. I don’t want her freaking out on you or anything that’s not fair to you

10/11/2017 19:38 Rebekah: You did not do that for me

10/11/2017 19:39

Rebekah: You did that so your mom won’t find out you’ve been lying, or that you’ve

been dating someone for months and didn’t tell her… You did not do that for me

10/11/2017 19:40 Rebekah: So all that about your mom wanting to talk to me was made up

10/11/2017 19:41

[G]: No.. my mom knows that… I told you I talked to her. It’s the concern for my safety. I just convinced her that I don’t need to be in a fucking straight jacket

10/11/2017 19:41 [G]: No that wasn’t.

10/11/2017 19:41 Rebekah: Why on earth would she want to talk to me

10/11/2017 19:42

[G]: Moms do not need to keep hearing that their son is going to hurt themselves

10/11/2017 19:43 Rebekah: if she doesn’t know I’m pregnant, why would she want to talk to Mr

10/11/2017 19:43 Rebekah: Me*

10/11/2017 19:43 Rebekah: And what exactly did you tell het

10/11/2017 19:44 Rebekah: Her*

10/11/2017 19:45

[G]: I can’t talk or explain all of this right now I’m about to sit down. She wanted to talk to you because of how upset I was. She initially thought it was all your fault as moms do but I explained everything. She dosent hate you. She just said that with the million things I said and I just typed it. It

was all happening very fast

I believe it is also worth noting that on October 11, 2017, around 5:08 PM, [G] was pulled over and cited for careless driving, according to Leon County Clerk of Court, [editor’s note: redacted]. [G] seemed to be unraveling at the seams, and maybe some of that was authentic.

Later that night, early October 12, I received a text from [G] stating he was going to the hospital, that he had thrown up blood “everywhere.” He said his phone was dying, and I did not hear back from him until the next morning, when he told me he had just had an allergic reaction to his medication and was not going to school. We spoke throughout the day, mostly about how stressed and sick [G] and I were both feeling that day. We met that night and talked for a while and [G] gave me a letter. He said he was going home that night and staying home for the weekend, which I learned later was also a lie. In his letter, [G] told me he had been living the “hardest weeks of my life,” that he now had a “D” average in his classes, that he had not been eating and that not eating had been making him sick, he again talked about dropping out of school. He said:

“I just wish I could start over. Be someone else. People tell me I’m different… This is all of my fault. Everything I’ve done or said to you the past month has been real. I’m sorry that I couldn’t always be there Rebekah. I always wanted to. I’m sorry for constantly pressuring you into things. I don’t know what I’m going to do these next weeks in semester. I have nothing. I can’t even get a political science degree. I don’t know what to do then to just let you do as you please. That I won’t bother you. I just can’t do it. Any of it. I just want to dissolve. I need to find myself. I want everything to be okay for you. I just need time to feel like myself. I’m so sick I thought my time had come last night. That was it. I’m so sorry Rebekah.”

10/12/2017 1:00 [G]: Going to hospital

10/12/2017 1:00 [G]: Threw blood everywhereasfh

10/12/2017 1:00 [G]: Phones dead

10/12/2017 7:12 Rebekah: Are you ok

10/12/2017 7:25 Rebekah: What hospital?

10/12/2017 7:25 Rebekah: [G] please answer

10/12/2017 7:27 Rebekah: please be ok. Please call me and let me know you’re ok

10/12/2017 8:17

[G]: I had an allergic reaction to the strep medication and just from not eating my throat started to bleed. I’m not going to school

10/12/2017 8:29 Rebekah: I’m allergic to everything in the penicillin family =/

10/12/2017 8:39

Rebekah: I’m a terrible girlfriend/ lover for not being there for you in this. I wish you’d let me

10/12/2017 8:42 Rebekah: This is my mess. This is all my fault

10/12/2017 8:46

[G]: No it’s really all of my fault. I’m going to try to see you later tonight. My throat is still bleeding a little

10/12/2017 8:46 [G]: I don’t like the taste of blood.

10/12/2017 8:47

[G]: [C]talked to me last night and he asked me if everything in class with [D] can just go on normally and just not talk about it and focus on the schoolwork

10/12/2017 8:47 [G]: I’m a nice way

10/12/2017 8:47 Rebekah: He needs to talk to me about that

10/12/2017 8:48 Rebekah: I can’t go through you.

10/12/2017 8:49 Rebekah: But what did you tell him about us?

10/12/2017 8:50

[G]: No like he said everything’s okay. He just wants class and everything to be normal. For him to not be involved. It’s not a big deal. Just like everything you said in your email kind of. He didn’t ask a lot. Just wants to be normal in the class

10/12/2017 8:51 Rebekah: I haven’t treated him any differently

10/12/2017 8:52 [G]: I know I was just saying

I did not hear from him until late October 13, and, concerned for his safety, texted his sister and asked if he was doing ok and told her I was worried about him. I did not tell her that I was his girlfriend, or that I was pregnant. [G] called me within minutes of texting her, yelling at me for texting his sister. He responded, “I’m fine. Please stop freaking everyone out in my family on me. I told you I’m at home resting. Trying to regathering myself. I need space. Time. Actual rest. Stop freaking out my family

like this. It’s not fair.” I then received a threatening voicemail from his sister, and asked [G] what was going on. His sister called me while I was on the phone with [G], and left the following message:

“I don’t know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you want but you better fucking stay the fuck away from my family. Delete my number and delete my families number you fucking bitch.”

[G] responded, “She’s drunk. I didn’t tell her I did anything I just told her to ignore it. Please just stop. I don’t NEED MY SISTER INVOLVED. I just wanted to have two days at home to regather myself Rebekah. I just wanted to feel comfortable in my house. Get better. In my own original bed. I understand you feeling concerned for my safety. I don’t blame you. I just wish you wouldn’t contact people of my family because I have to explain and lie and I’m bad at that. Especially to family. All the yelling on the phone has caused my throat to ache. I’m not blaming you for that. I just need rest and space Rebekah. Please understand.” Later that night, [G] texted me: “I can better talk it all over in person maybe tomorrow. I don’t think anything bad is going to happen. I don’t know if I can go back to that office. All I want is to make it through this car ride without throwing up. I’m going to try to rest.”

On two separate occasions, I told him I was going to call his parents and tell them what was going on so that they could help him. He begged me not to, assured me he was going to be ok “eventually,” so I did not. This was a mistake on my part. I should have notified the University the first day he started making suicidal statements. I did not want to cause further stress to him and felt responsible for his mental state given our very intense, emotional relationship.

On Monday, October 16, [G] and I spoke a little during the day. He came to my office and asked how I was doing, and I said it was “over,” telling him I wasn’t pregnant and that it wasn’t his problem anymore. He told me he was failing his classes and didn’t know what he was going to do, and asked if me talking to his professor would help at all. I said he should talk to her himself, but I could tell him he’s having a hard time, if he thought it would help. He said he didn’t know. I explicitly asked him after he suggested this if he had changed his mind and no longer wanted me to talk to her, and he said no. I told [L] that [G] had been having a really hard time, but was not the type to come forward. I believe [G] provided a note of our conversation. She told me he hadn’t been missing class

– which is not what [G] had been telling me. I think I finally understood that he had been lying to me.

[G] asked me to meet him during one of his classes, saying he would leave class to go to the bathroom and meet me. I told him I was busy and we could talk after his class. We met after his class and spoke for several minutes, though it was tense and uncomfortable. I told him about my conversation with [L] and how she said he had not been missing class. He said he had a friend sign in for him, but I didn’t believe him. I called him a liar and said he had played me and I wanted nothing to do with him.

I went to speak to [G] at his house after we had spoken briefly on campus. I told him I did not want to talk about having an abortion again, that I wasn’t going to have such a procedure done if I was still even pregnant, and that I didn’t think it was fair for him to just take off as soon as he thought I had ended the pregnancy. [G] was unusually aggressive, and nearly hit me at one point. I was afraid, but I

felt terrible for everything that had happened, so I kept trying to talk to him. We were outside for about 15 minutes before he went back inside and his roommates realized we were outside fighting.

Once his roommates noticed we were outside fighting, [G] began pretending like he had no idea what was going on. I was shocked and hurt, and did not behave in a way that was appropriate or fair. I sat in his car and told him I wasn’t leaving until he told his roommates to go away so we could talk about what was going on with him. One of his roommates called me a “crazy bitch,” then another, a male, grabbed and then slammed my left hand in the car door and would not let go until another one of his roommates ripped his arm away. I climbed into the back seat to retrieve some things I had left in [G]’s car the previous week (to which [G] shouted, “you’ve never even been in my car”), when [G] came around to the doorway and blocked my exit. I was afraid, and he was shouting at me and acting hysterical, so I pushed the car door open with my foot and ran away from him as he shouted at me from across the street. I left, was pulled over several minutes later when an officer asked me if I had broken glass or broken into something that night, which I obviously said no to because nothing of the sort had happened. Later that evening, the officer told me [G] was accusing me of causing minor damage to a door handle, and wanted to press charges. I was shocked and embarrassed. I spent the entire night crying in a cold jail cell. My husband had to wake up our son and bring him to the jail at 3 AM to pick me up. The State’s Attorney office would eventually drop the charge entirely, because of the many lies [G] had told to police then and afterward.

When I got home that night, at 3:20 AM, I sent [G] the following Facebook message:

I was upset and hurt, and later apologized. I always blame myself for causing other people’s pain and, even in this moment, re-reading our messages and reliving everything that’s happened, I feel guilty for putting him through so much pain and stress. I am still angry at him for the way he has tried to use the University system against me – knowing that I would blame myself and likely comply because of my own guilt – but I don’t wish to cause anyone any further harm. This relationship has been uneven and toxic since the start, and what should have been a private time has now become the business of my supervisors, my advisors, anyone [G] has told, and now University administrators. [G] could have ended our relationship at any point. When he told me to stop calling him in June, I did not call him again. It was [G] who re-initiated contact in August. After we had sex the first few times, and I told him I was over it, I didn’t try to have a relationship with him again. In fact, I never intended to tell him I was pregnant. I knew in my heart he was not a good guy, but he was the first person other than my husband that I had been with for 10 years, and I made stupid mistakes.

I called and met with [H] at Victim Advocates the next day, October 17, and told her some of what had happened. I admittedly tried to talk to and reason with [G] afterward, thinking this was another short-term breakup, until I met with [A] on Thursday, October 19.

On the morning of October 20, 2017, after I received a call from an officer about text messages, two officers showed up to my home, where my mother, nephew and son were playing, and told me I had to go with them to receive a psychological evaluation because [G] had shared a screenshot of messages I supposedly sent to him that suggested I may want to hurt myself. I told the officer I did not send any messages to [G], but that I had saved my messages between us and could show him the messages that I had received from [G] that were of concern. Even though the text messages did not come from my phone or my phone number, the officer did not listen to me, and he dismissed [G]’s messages as not being serious enough to follow up on. I think [G] had this done to me to hurt me, to retaliate against me for deciding to keep the baby and to cut him out. I used to think he was weak and fragile, but I’ve realized over the years of my life that have been defined by his actions, that he is a cruel and reactionary man who will lie and hurt whoever he wants, for no reason at all, other than that he enjoys the spectacle.

Regardless of my protests, I was still taken against my will to a psychiatric clinic, where I was forced to wait several hours for an evaluation that would eventually clear me. During that time, I was involuntarily held in a room with other patients, one of whom touched me twice, once by rubbing my shoulder and the second time by putting his half-eaten sandwich on my thigh, before taking off his pants, kicking open doors, and trying to charge at me when I was released. I asked the nursing staff if I could wait in a private area, but was told there was no other waiting room available. I was unlawfully detained, humiliated, and groped because of a fake screenshot of messages I never sent to [G] that were never properly vetted. According to Officer [A]’s statement and records from the Apalachee center, I was detained until about 6:48 p.m. on October 20. One of the anonymous text messages [G] allegedly received was sent an hour before I was released – when I was still detained and had no access to my phone or computer.

Later that night I drove to campus after seeing a movie with my husband only to find out that I had been suspended pending disciplinary action for “destruction of property, stalking and harassment.” My husband and I waited at the police station for a Victim Advocate to arrive, who was not of much help, while I wrote down my statement regarding the harassment. Both my husband and I were at the police station when [G] alleges one of us sent him another message via a computer that was threatening in nature. Both of us were with an officer for a period of time before, during and after the time when this message was supposedly sent, in the police station. Officer [A]’s statement confirms this information as well as the timeline. He apparently called the police in response to these fake messages, likely in an attempt to further harm me or maybe to hurt my husband, but since we were at the police station during the entire ordeal and the officer saw that neither of us had been on our phones, they obviously did not bother with his complaint.

If the extent to which [G] has gone to try to make it look like I have continued to harass him does not invalidate his claims of harassment, then the University does me a grave injustice in this matter. The fact that he is fabricating messages speaks volumes about his character and his intent in this matter. The number the text messages he alleges I sent to him, sent while I was at the Apalachee Center and later at the police station, is not traceable aside from the phone carrier account used to send them, which was AT&T. Both my husband and I have had T-Mobile for years – me since I was 18 years old, and my husband on my account since 2012. Additionally, I have received multiple calls where no one answers, or leaves blank voicemails, from VOIP numbers registered to AT&T accounts.

[G] claimed during his interview with HR that he only continued to talk to me, see me and have sex with me during this period because he wanted to be “supportive.” However, [G]’s support was intermittent, at best, and he blatantly told me, on several occasions, that I “could not have” his kid. Whenever I told him I did not want to talk about it, or that I hadn’t made up my mind, or was second-guessing my decision, he would fake getting sick, going so far as to dry-heave and cry until I reassured him it would be OK again. He faked having a mental breakdown so that I would feel sorry for him and do what he wanted. I always suspected that [G] was disingenuous, but I was still confused about the situation and had feelings for him, so I let it continue. I often felt suspicious of the things he would say – like how we could not sleep over at his house because he had roommates. I had a feeling he had been lying to his roommates about us being together and did not want to have to explain the lie – a feeling that was confirmed when [G] pretended he never knew I was pregnant, acted as if we had no intimate relationship, and even went as far to say I had never been in his car before as part of some elaborate performance in front of his roommates. Looking back, I have no idea what parts of our relationship were real, if any, and what parts were just his way of getting me to trust him so that I would have the abortion.

I cannot be held responsible for [G]’s claims that he tried to end our relationship, or secretly did not want to be together, whilst he was trying to reassure me constantly that he wanted to be together, that it was “me and you versus the world,” and even that he loved me. We spent nights together, once in a hotel, and were almost always together. [G] now claims he didn’t want to do any of this, but our text messages show the opposite – every time I told him he should stop seeing me if he didn’t really want to, he would send me dozens of texts promising me his feelings were genuine, that I was the only person he could talk to, that he needed me. Now he says he was lying, which is probably true. The extreme lengths [G] went to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, on top of him going after my job and sending himself messages and claiming they were from me (which was impossible in several cases), shows a complete lack of concern for telling the truth to me or anyone else. He is vindictive, cruel and, if properly diagnosed, I believe he may meet the clinical definition of a psychopath.

Our relationship was largely defined by [G]’s unwillingness to follow the rules or consider my opinion when seeking out attention – at first by repeatedly using my cell phone number when asked not to, then by driving in the middle of the night to see me when he knew I had plans to be out of town, and later by showing up to my office and trying to kiss me without telling me beforehand that he was even coming to see me. He also, on several occasions, joked about “trolling” me in my fall class by showing up and asking me questions in a class he had already taken. When [G] told me he was working at a summer camp in Tallahassee, and I asked him which one because my son, [J], was enrolled at a camp that sounded like the one he described, [G] said that he would spend the most time with my son and make sure he was my son’s favorite counselor – something I told him I was extremely uncomfortable with. I was acutely aware that [G] was lying to me throughout our relationship, but I let it go because I was lonely and [G] went through a lot of effort to make me believe he cared about me. All of these warning signs I ignored, and looking back on the history of our relationship, as described below, I should have been a stronger and more mature individual in handling this relationship. I should have been more firm when I tried to end it, and I should have trusted myself when I felt that he was lying and manipulating me. [G] is handsome and charismatic, and even when he called me a “crazy bitch” and “cunt,” I still forgave him and slept with him afterward. I put myself in this position, and I wish I had never been involved with him to begin with.

From August through October 2017, [G] and I would meet several times a day, talk almost constantly throughout the day and night, and spent several nights together. He would come by my office whenever he wanted, even when I told him I was busy. He would show up and demand I end meetings with students so that he could talk to me. I tried to be a supportive girlfriend and friend. I cared about [G], and in some ways still do. I’ll always be tied to him in a way because of our biological daughter. Our relationship wasn’t neat or ideal, and there are plenty of things I said and did that I am embarrassed of now. We fought like anyone else, but [G] would take the drama to an entirely different level – he told me on four occasions that he was in the hospital, he faked panic attacks, and he talked about depression and suicide at the slightest sign that I was pulling away from him.

[G]’s statements provided to the University are littered with half-truths, wrong dates and locations, and outright lies. Additionally, [G] is currently under investigation for making false statements to FSU Investigator [M]. In addition to lying about asking me to meet him on March 2, 2018 (Attachment C), [G] told Officer [M], among other things, that our entire relationship was limited to a one-night stand last year, which is patently false. [G] also claims he tried to distance himself from me because he wanted to end our relationship. As our text message records show, on the multiple occasions that I tried to end our relationship, he begged me not to stop talking to him. I blocked him once for a period of several days, on September 23, and his response was to storm into my office the next day and leave me a letter, one of many, begging me not to cut him off. He kept constant tabs on where I was, and went so far as to stalk me at my doctor’s office twice. I often questioned his sincerity, and told him I didn’t want him to hang around if he felt obligated or didn’t want to. He would profusely deny my accusations, going into extreme detail about how much he cared about me and how genuine his emotions were. He used to say it was “you and me versus the world,” but from reading about his elaborate lies and manipulation via his own statements to FSU, I can see now that he was simply trying to manipulate me into having an abortion, and when I finally said no, he ended the relationship and retaliated against me.

Our relationship was volatile, and on October 11, he broke up with me, then said he didn’t want to break up, then I broke up with him, then we got back together. This was somewhat of a usual, albeit unhealthy, routine. [G] is now claiming I harassed him, even though as recent as a few days before the incident on October 16, he was still telling me he wanted us to be together. I did try to contact him after October 16, which I disclosed to the Student Rights and Responsibilities office at that time, and agreed not to do it again. I did not know if our relationship was finished at the time, or if we were at another point where one of us would end it, then come back, as we both so often did. Also, I thought since I had decided to keep the baby, [G] and I had some things we needed to discuss. I didn’t know at the time that once I made a final decision not to do what [G] wanted, I became an enemy, a nuisance, to him that he would continue to try to destroy.

I understand the situation escalated to a point that was decidedly unacceptable and I want nothing to do with [G] from this point forward. My husband is aware of everything that has happened, and we are trying to work through this together and plan for a baby that we will raise as our own. I have spent a lifetime working to get where I am, and I will not squander it because of a brief infatuation with a 21-year old. He has already gone out of his way to get me fired from my job, even though an investigation determined I did nothing inappropriate while serving as his instructor, and I do not think he is going to stop there. This is retaliatory action from an admitted liar and manipulator who claims he was only ever with me to support me, while all he ever did was use me for sex and try to force me into an abortion. I sincerely hope the documents included here provide the context and proof needed to see past his attempts to get back at me for making a decision that I never wanted him to be a part of in the first place, that I told him I didn’t want him involved in, and that eventually led us to where we are today.

I do not abdicate myself from responsibility in enabling the ongoing tumultuous relationship between [G] and I that has now bled into all aspects of my personal and professional life. I recognize that while a relationship with [G] may not have been against the rules, it showed poor judgement and a lack of professionalism on my part. I resent myself for my lack of maturity and self- control in handling the relationship, as it has caused pain and suffering to my family. While this letter is long and may seem unnecessarily thorough, given the disclosure of extremely personal and private information already made public from [G], I feel it necessary to be frank and clear about the history and nature of our relationship.

I will continue to struggle with the ramifications of my affair with [G] in the coming months and years. I cared for someone who used and manipulated me, and is now trying to cause me pain in retaliation because of a pregnancy we could not agree on how to deal with. I had no contact with [G] until the following February (2018). By this time I was about five months pregnant and starting to show. I don’t know why he decided to talk to me again. He had been stalking me online the entire time – I would notice how he had unblocked me on Facebook so that he could look through my profile, and received alerts every time he viewed my linked profile or searched for me on Google. I don’t know why he stalked me. Maybe he wanted to screw with me more, and was trying to figure out a way to do it. I think it’s more likely he did it to hurt me than because he in some way still cared.

I, too, have lied to [G] in the past – some were innocent lies meant to arouse and excite, others were more serious. As time went on and my intentions became clearer regarding what I wanted to do about being pregnant, [G] and I started fighting more often. I believed [G]’s mental health began deteriorating rapidly in the week prior to October 16. He told me he was failing his classes, was not sleeping, had been losing weight quickly, was not eating, and I noticed a dramatic shift in his behavior. When I told [G] that I had lied to him about wanting to keep the baby, he had a violent mental episode, at which point he began blaming himself for the situation – hitting himself in the head and shoving me off him when I tried to hug him to calm him down. I felt terrible and scared for him, but I honestly wanted to be rid of the situation with him. I had never wanted him to know I was pregnant in the first place, and I felt like I was wreaking havoc in his life without any control of it, and that he was lying to me at every turn. I was overwhelmed and wanted the stress to stop. He would call and text all the time, he would show up to my office whenever he wanted, and he was apparently faking being sick to get pity from me. We both caused a major disruption in each other’s lies, but my intent was never to harm [G]. All I wanted for the entire period we were together was for him to be OK. Much of my efforts in the final days of our relationship were based solely on my concern for his personal safety.

When I went to FSU in January to review the materials they had regarding [G]’s complaint of harassment against me, I pointed out the discrepancies in his story- how I couldn’t have sent those texts in October, and how there multiple statements in his report that I had evidence were false. They reviewed the evidence and decided to let me back into my classes. I thought the damage he had done was over, but it was really just beginning.

[G] unblocked me on Facebook to go through my posts, stalked me on LinkedIn and other social media every month or so, and called and texted me from blocked and VOIP numbers. [G] even threatened a friend of mine on January 31, 2018, another FSU student, and then texted and threatened me later that night, on Feb. 1, 2018, for talking about my pregnancy. I never responded to any of his calls or texts up to this point.

I spoke to [G] on Sunday, Feb. 18, the night before my ultrasound, and asked him if there were any genetic/family medical issues I needed to tell my doctor to look for during my exam the next day. [G] and I had never discussed this, and he had not filled out the family medical history forms I had requested FSU send to him. We spoke for about five minutes. He didn’t answer my question about the ultrasound, but we talked a few minutes. Mostly about how he didn’t mean for that all to happen, how I didn’t either, how it didn’t have to be like that, how we were both still confused, etc. The conversation went about as well as could have been expected, considering. Not friendly, but it wasn’t angry; mostly sad and regretful on both our parts. He told me it made things more difficult that I had an injunction against him, and he asked me if I would drop it. I emailed Mr. [D] the next day and asked him to drop the injunction. I asked [G] if he wanted to know if the baby was a girl or boy when I found out the next day. He said he didn’t know.

I didn’t talk to him again until the following Friday. I saw [G] that Wednesday on campus for about five seconds from about 20 feet or so away. I was on campus for a pre-scheduled meeting with [H] when we saw each other. We saw each other for a moment, both stopped walking and stared. He crossed the street and I turned around and walked in the other direction. This was the first time I’ve seen [G] since Oct. 16. I told Victim Advocate at FSU, [H], about this when I met with her that day. [G] called campus police on me for some reason, even though I was on campus to meet with [H] for a meeting that was arranged days ahead of time based on both of our availability. I had to go into the FSU police station to clear up that issue, which [H] confirmed with the police.

There was also an issue with the FSU Police having a “trespass warrant” on me on campus that should have been modified once the University lifted their restrictions against me and allowed me to enroll in classes for the spring semester. [H] also confirmed how a previous decision by FSU Administration to bar me from campus pending a disciplinary hearing (in October) had been revised in November to allow me to attend meetings and see my doctors, and then modified again in January to allow me to enroll in classes for the spring. I thought the issue was resolved, and the officers said they would be following up with Student Rights and Resources to update their own records about how I was allowed on campus. [H] was present during this interview, and I believe it occurred in a recorded room.

The officers also told me to avoid coming to campus on days when [G] had class – which they told me were on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. They did NOT tell me the specific times and locations of his classes, and I specifically ASKED them NOT to tell me so that there was no possible way he could say I knew his schedule. I was NEVER informed of [G]’s class schedule – neither meeting times nor locations, aside from that he had classes on those three days. I agreed to try to schedule my campus meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays to avoid any perception of going out of my way to see him.

On Friday, Feb. 23, he called me for the first time in a while, without blocking his number.

I missed the call, but he left a voicemail. I called him back after, and we spoke for a minute. He seemed uneasy. I told him I was on campus for a meeting and I didn’t appreciate having to waste my afternoon confirming that with campus police because he had another episode. He told me he didn’t know that’s why I was on campus. I told him it wasn’t the first time I’ve been on campus since everything that happened – that I had been on campus many times and not everything was about him. He said he was sorry, that he understood. I then confronted him about his parents not knowing. He told me they were “aware of everything.” I told him I didn’t believe him. I told him that after all of the lies he had told, all the trouble he had gotten me into, and everything unfair he had done to me, I couldn’t trust him. I hung up. I think I got one, maybe two texts from him after that until 2/28.

I noticed on 2/28 that [G] had again unblocked me again on Facebook and was going through my profile and posts again, so I messaged him. I said, “Why are you stalking me on Facebook if you have nothing to say to me or about our daughter, [G]?” He texted me from a different number that is not his cell and told me again he wasn’t sure what he wanted, that he didn’t want to make things worse for me, that he was scared. He told me he wanted space, that he wanted me to leave him alone. I replied via Facebook messenger so that I could prove the person I was talking to was actually [G], and not a third party. I told him that all of this happening over a car door handle (a reference to the Oct. 16 incident) was insane, but that it was OK, that I couldn’t make him be someone he wasn’t, and that I hoped he figured out whatever was going on with him. I told him he knew how to find me if he wanted to talk.

About an hour and a half later, [G] called me via Facebook messenger to tell me “It was never about the car or school or the police.. I just couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t know what to do.. I’m going to drop everything. I’m going to drop the charges. You can finish school, move away with your family and raise it together… I didn’t want it to be like this. I don’t know what I want…” he went on for about two minutes, somewhat hysterical. I thought maybe something was wrong with my phone because I couldn’t make out half of what he was saying, so I hung up and tried to call him back. He was crying and very upset. He didn’t answer when I called him back, so I messaged him and said, “Would you please answer,” trying to be calm and get him to slow down.

He answered the second time I called him back and we spoke for another few minutes, very briefly. He repeated the same things – that he was going to drop the charges and the school “stuff,” he was asking his lawyer that day to drop the injunction, that he was scared. He mentioned something about not knowing if his parents would want custody, which I asked him to slow down and explain, but he didn’t. I still didn’t believe him that his parents knew, so I was pretty sure that he was at least partly lying to me. He said he wanted me to move away with my family and for me and my husband to raise the baby and to move on. I asked if he wanted to have nothing to do with the baby, if that was his final decision. He said he didn’t know, then said “I just can’t” and hung up.

I notified [H] at FSU, Mr. [D], and my criminal lawyer from the Oct. 16 incident ([L]) about the call. He texted me once or twice after that. After I notified [H] and [L] about the calls and [G]’s claim that he wanted to drop the charges, I

got an email from [H] and [L] basically saying the same thing – it’s great if he doesn’t want to pursue charges, but it’s not really up to him to “drop” either case at this point. I also immediately texted and told my husband, [J], about [G]’s calls/texts and told him that I didn’t trust [G], that something felt off.

A few days later, on Friday, March 2, [G] messaged me via Facebook messenger and said he wanted to meet at this place we used to go to often to be alone. It was a place we would go to meet up and talk and be physically intimate with each other- a small, private parking area near Cascades Park. I told him I couldn’t do that because I didn’t have time that morning – which was true, but mostly I didn’t want to be alone in a secluded place with him because he gets scary and violent. The first time we met to talk about the pregnancy was at this same place, and I was hesitant to meet him even then out of fear that he’d hurt me, and we also spent more than three hours talking and I didn’t have time for that kind of ordeal. I also thought it was weird that he changed his phone number, but then gave it to me that morning. I immediately told [H] that [G] had changed his number, given it to me, and that I didn’t trust him.

When I said I couldn’t meet him at the park, [G] asked what I was doing that day and I told him running errands and stuff, and he asked me to stop by to see him before his class, just to “hear me out.” He told me to meet him at his class, in the Williams building, at about 1, and that his class started at 1:30. I eventually said fine and agreed to meet him. I don’t know why I agreed. He was acting crazy, but I thought if could record him saying that he lied on my phone, it would help me get back in school and get the charges dropped. And maybe I hoped somewhat that he was realizing how wrong he was for acting this way. It was stupid to meet him. I knew it was as I was driving there, as I walked into the building. I thought at least we would be in a public place so that he couldn’t hurt me and if anything did happen, someone would see.

Facebook messages from March 2, 2018:

MAR 2ND, 9:17 AM

Got a new number. [editor’s note: redacted]

sorry, 525 not 475

Bek

ok … why are you telling me?

I want to talk

Bek

Did you do all that stuff you said you’d do? like drop the injunction and stuff?

Yes. Can you meet to talk today?

Bek

I told you. I’m going to drop all of that. Hear me out. Only a few minutes.

Bek

Bek

I don’t know if I should trust you. All you’ve done is lie to me

Bek

Can’t we just talk on the phone?

Bek

Bek

We can meet at Cascades like we used to. It will only take a minute.

Bek

Bek

Bek

Bek

Bek

Bek

Bek

Bek

MAR 2ND, 1:07 PM

Bek

running behind. almost there.

My class starts in 15 minutes

Bek

Sorry? I’m walking in now. Where are you?

108

I dropped off my rent check downtown and headed to campus, running about 10-15 minutes late. I tried to call to let him know I was late at the new number he gave me, but the number was disconnected. He was angry when I got there. He was waiting inside the classroom already- students were still coming in and I didn’t see a professor so I just waved at him from outside. He packed up his stuff quickly and stormed out of the classroom. He grabbed my wrist and started pulling me outside (there were a few students in the hall). He was walking so quickly I could barely keep up. I told him that if he was serious about telling the truth he should do it sooner rather than later, and that I was sorry for how bad things got between us. He told me he had to go back to class soon and he had told me to be there at 1:00, pointing out that I was late. I said somewhat angrily, “well last time I saw you on campus, you called the police so I’m sorry if I didn’t rush here to see you.” He yelled at me loudly, “I did not call the police” and started pulling toward the door.

We got outside the building at the top of the steps and he pulled my wrist really hard and I jerked my hand away from him and ran down the stairs to get away from him. I was worried he’d push me or something. He yelled at me, and I told him I wasn’t doing this anymore, that it was too easy for him to act like this, to just come and go in my life, and I left. The entire encounter lasted maybe two minutes. I had several bruises on my wrist afterward.

I left, upset, and went straight to my son’s school to pick him up for the day. I checked him out early to spend time with him, and the school has a record of the time I arrived. We went home and spent some time together until my husband came home. I was emotionally exhausted, and we were laying in the bed together when the doorbell rang. I could hear low voices, so I went to the top of the stairs and saw police cars out front. I was angry. [G] had called the police on me – again – and God only know what he told them. I told my husband to shut the door, and the police stormed through the door – in front of my eight year old son. They started shouting at me, asking me where [G]’s phone was. I had no idea what they were talking about. They didn’t interview me, they didn’t ask me any questions, they didn’t investigate the lies [G] had told them, they just sent me to the county jail.

Because I was pregnant, I was put into solitary confinement. This was supposedly for my own protection, but it felt like punishment. I was put into a single cell with a steel-framed bed and a thin, plastic mattress on top. The light was always on – not a single second of darkness for three days. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. For much of it, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had a panic attack, so the guards people me in a restraint chair so that I couldn’t move my arms or legs for eight hours. It’s illegal to put pregnant women in the restraining chair, and despite one guard’s and a nurse’s protests, they put me in it anyway. After that, I wasn’t allowed to have clothes – just a thin paper smock too small to use as a blanket. I was naked and exposed, my pregnant belly sticking to the plastic mat that was my temporary bed. Every time I moved, it hurt. I ate an apple and had two boxes of milk for the first two days, until another nurse started her shift appalled by my treatment and brought me food straight from the kitchen. Once Monday came around and the psychologists came back, I took and passed an assessment so that I could be released.

I worried that the baby would be damaged. If not by the man-handling during the arrest, or the chair, then by the trauma of those four days. I immediately went and saw my doctor, and, miraculously, the baby was fine. Her heartbeat was strong and steady. She was tough. Tougher than me. [J] blamed me for going to see [G], for not thinking about what [G] could do to me, given all that he had already done. [J] was right. It was my fault. I felt no more obligation to include [G] in any of it. I felt no sympathy for what I perceived as his struggle to cope with an unplanned pregnancy. From then on, it became about protecting my daughter, myself and the rest of my family from [G] at any cost.

Later, after the police started to investigate [G], they realized they should never have arrested me based on his word. Officere [P] apologized to me in front of Ms. Pearce. He said if he had had the information he had now when [G] first called them in March, they would have never arrested me. I told him thank you, but they should have investigated his claims before the arrest, and that the trauma I endured as a result can never be made up for. [G] had claimed that I assaulted him and stole his cell phone, even though all of the evidence showed that I didn’t. The State’s Attorney’s office not only declined to even file charges, they issued a letter calling [G] a liar.

[G] contacted me again, on March 13, 2018, via text. I did not respond. He also called me repeatedly and messaged me via Facebook messenger on March 21, 2018 after his interview with Mr. [B], the Title IX investigator charging him with relationship abuse, stalking and harassment. I filed an Injunction for Protection Against Dating Violence on March 16, 2018, which was scheduled for a hearing date of April 10, 2018. I verified the calls and messages with Officer [P] of the FSU Police Department on March 27, 2017.

Time went on and I tried to forget about [G]. I was excited to meet my daughter, and with the support of my husband, despite all of the mistakes I made, we got ready for the baby. She was born on a Tuesday afternoon, weight just over 8 pounds and 1 ounce. A beautiful, healthy baby. We instantly fell in love with her. Her brother looks out for her, and she adores him back. She thinks our husky is the coolest thing in the world. She’s talkative and feisty. She’s our little [E].

But her health took an almost immediately downward turn after she was born – first it was jaundice, which led us back to the hospital just a few days after we took her home. Then it was her weight and growth, which nose-dived from healthy, high percentiles all the way down to the sixth percentile in April. Every time we took her to the doctor – which was more often than most because of her failing health – I’d be drilled about her family medical history. I knew mine – I asked all of the questions they gave me to both my parents and every one of my living grandparents. I spoke to my cousins, aunts, uncles and even family I haven’t spoken to in decades, to help find any cause of her continued and dramatic drop in growth. We switched her formulas twice, and now dish out more than $300 a month for the special, pre-mixed formula she needs. For that, her weight climbed from the 10th percentile to the 25th from October 2018 through February 2019. But then in April, it had dropped back down again, and more alarming, her head circumference growth had fallen all the way down to the sixth percentile. Something is very wrong.

I had kept my distance from [G] for so long, that the idea of reaching out to him made me nauseous. But if there was something inherited contributing to this problem, I had exhausted all resources in finding it on my side only to turn up empty. So I emailed [G] on April 18. I told him I needed his family medical history, and that it was important. I was somewhat surprised when he emailed back. At first he just said, “no, there is not” to my response asking if there was any history of the symptoms [E] was having on his side of the family. I emailed him asking how’d he know, begging him to actually find out. I emailed him a family medical history form. I told him that if I found out he could have helped her, I’d never forgive him. He emailed me back, “No there is not. I discussed with my mother. There is no history of that in my family confirmed on both sides.”

I knew he didn’t ask. I figured his parents probably didn’t know [E] existed, or that she was [G]’s daughter. He wouldn’t have asked and found out just an hour after I first asked him. He was lying. He wasn’t going to help. So I tried another approach, one that would speak a language he would understand: if he couldn’t help [E] get better by just doing the bare minimum and getting an actual, detailed family medical history – something I wanted him to flesh out now in case I needed to know anything later in her life – then I’d file for child support.

He immediately got back to me, told me he’d fill out the form and send it to me the next day. On April 22, he emailed me: “I do not have a cell phone. If you send it to this email, I can provide information and return it.” I didn’t believe he didn’t have a cell phone – the idea in itself was ridiculous, but who was I to challenge it? Besides, I didn’t care. I needed him to do one thing, and then he could disappear again. But it was too much for him. He sent the form back blank, only writing in that his aunt had breast cancer and that he was on drugs during the period when I became pregnant (marijuana). He left everything else blank.

After I reviewed the form, I asked him if he even tried to get it done completely. I gave up on trying and just told him to give me his number so that I could give it to [E]’s doctors and they could deal directly with him so I didn’t have to. He continued to lie and say he didn’t have a phone. This went back and forth for a few days.

I told him if he didn’t have a phone, I’d give the doctors his work phone number so they could contact him there. When they called, however, a woman answered and asked to take a message. When they said they were calling in regards to his daughter’s medical records, the woman said they must be mistaken because [G] doesn’t have a daughter. They confirmed they had the right person – [G]– and said they were told this was his work number. The woman pretended they had the wrong “[G],” and hung up. Minutes later, I received a call from a man at work, asking if I had called. I said I was trying to reach [G] to get some forms he had said he’d get for his daughter’s medical history, and this man, too, asserted that [G] didn’t have any children. I rebuked, yes, yes he does; the man, in total confidence, replied that no, [G] didn’t, and to stop calling. At that point I decided that trying to cooperate with [G] wasn’t going to work, and that the only way he was going to help was if he was forced. I told him if he didn’t get back to me, I was going to file the necessary paperwork to compel him to do so. I gave him a week, and after no response, went downtown and filed a case against him. To my surprise, he lawyered up almost immediately. We’re scheduled for a hearing soon, and while our lawyers will battle it out, [G] won’t even bother to make the drive over to be here. His lawyer isn’t claiming that [G] isn’t the father – he can’t make that claim because [G] knows he is. So instead they are arguing that since I was married at the time [E] was conceived, it doesn’t matter that [G] is her biological father, and he shouldn’t have to help her in any way. I’m arguing otherwise, based on the modern interpretation of the laws, not some that were laid down before women could even have the right to vote.

I can’t help but guess what his parents think of this. Do they see him for what he is? Are they supporting him in his mission to abandon his child – their first and only grandchild? Are they under his spell, too? Do they believe his lies, as I once did, or is just easier for them to believe his performance as a victim as a way to somehow justify ignoring his daughter’s continued health issues? Are they afraid of how he might behave if they don’t help him escape his responsibilities? Has he threatened to kill himself to them, too, if they don’t see things the way he wants them to? Are they just as culpable, just as heartless as [G]? Is it genetic? All I know is that I will never be a parent who sits by or actively encourages my child’s reckless, selfish behavior, and I will raise my daughter with all the empathy and maturity that was never instilled in her father.