Anonymous Story: i Wish i could forget

Disclaimer: this is the first time I speak of this so im writing a lot. It feel amazing to take this weight off my back

August 19th 2010 has become a day I wish I could erase from the calendar. I have done an great job at burying those memories but the date is forever engraved in me. That was the night a “friend” thought it was ok to use my body for his satisfaction. I still sometimes believe that the whole encounter was my fault, I ask my self maybe I should have just stayed home or maybe I should have not flirted with him, maybe I gave him mix signals, maybe this was my bad karma.

At that time I was 21 years old and had just gotten out of a five year relationship (My ex boyfriend was my first relationship, the first and only guy I had sex with) I was so heart broken I just wanted to forget about my ex, so I started to talk to my friend, I knew he had a crush on me and I just really wanted someone to talk to someone that will pay attention to me. We talked for a few weeks on social media, we made plans a few times to meet up but anytime the date would get close I would cancel on him.

One night he called me, told me it was his birthday and that he would really like to hang out, again I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea (I was super sad about my ex, I just wanted to stay home and cry). At around 1am he called me again and begged me to please let him see me just for a bit, he was outside my house already so I agreed to see him for a few minutes. We agreed to sit in the car outside my house and talk.

Once I got in the car I noticed how drunk he was, I could smell the liquor. A soon as I got in the car he began to drive. He drove a few miles from my home and parked at some random place, we began to talk. While talking he began to rub on my legs, his hands started to move up my leg, that’s when I asked him to stop. That’s when his tone completely changed. He started to ask me very personal questions like how I liked sex and if I miss having sex with my ex, he than forced my hand to touch him his private part. I felt so violated I moved to the back of the car and asked me to take me home.

That’s when the nightmare began. He jumped to the back of the car and got on top of me, I fought him for as long I could , but after a few minutes my hands were so tired of trying to get him off me, he was too strong I couldn’t fight anymore I asked him to please stop, I even told him I would have sex with him the next day I just didn’t feel good, but he kept telling to just let him put in the tip in. At this point i was so tired of fighting, his body was so heavy I couldn’t breath, I asked him that if he was going to do it to just please out a condom on. He agreed. I just laid there crying I begged him to wait till tomorrow. At one point I told him to stop raping me, ( I thought if I told him he was racing me he would stop) but he didn’t stop so I just laid there and accepted what was happening. He just kept asking me to let him finish, I did. It felt like time was going in slow motion. Finally he finished and took me home.

For a long time a blamed my self for what happened. Maybe I was trying so hard to forget my ex boyfriend that I led him on. It wasn’t until recently that I understood that what happen was not my fault. Somedays I think about it and I blame my self others I understand that it wasn’t my fault. I never told anyone this and I don’t feel like I ever will but being able to write it somewhere Makes me feel better. I recently moved to a small town where he works as a police officer. It’s so annoying to see him almost every day. Once I was coming home late and he stoped me for “speeding” he acted like he didn’t realized it was me, asked me about my life and told me should go get something to eat soon and let me go, he acted so nonchalant.i didn’t know what to say I juts smiled and said yeah one day soon , and drove off. I still see him a few times a week, I don’t want to move I like my house and my kids are so happy in this neighborhood, but seeing him is a constant reminder.