Anonymous Story: I Was a Little Boy, Age 11. She was 16.

I am 38 years old, be 39 August 25 (a week from now). I have been seeing a therapist out here in Oregon for 14 months now. My therapist is a good one and I am glad I found her. I kinda enjoy writing, always have, I am not that good at it but I know I am better than most. My therapist always told me that I should write my story and share it, and that is what I am doing now, but for some reason it has taken me a good year on having the courage on writing out the words.

So……

I was raped. How about that? That is why I am here. That is why I am writing this. That is why my life has been so strange for me and the people around me.

About me. Born 1979. Lived in Santa Fe Springs, just outside of los angeles. I am an only child. I was always told my dad died before I was born but when I was 25 I found out that he was murdered when I was 12. My mom never was much of a mom so THANKFULLY my grandparents took care of me and raised me and did a damn good job at it!

Raised in a Christian home and raised in a Christian School over in Norwalk. Everything that was bad was bad, no question about it.

My childhood was very calm and normal. Lived in a 48 space apartment complex with maybe 8 or 10 other kids my age. Just an all around good childhood.

My Grandpa and I always did everything together. Basketball, baseball, walking the railroad tracks. He was a good man and did a great job in taking care of me.

My Grandma was always at home, was always around for me. Because I was that only child we did all those great things together like Disneyland, Knott’s, Universal. We would ride are bikes everywhere!

I would go with my Grandpa every time he had a Union meeting in Montebello. Before this meeting we would stop at the casino in Commerce and have breakfast with his friends. I always had an egg and cheese omelette because I was afraid I wouldn’t like anything else.

This is where I met the girl. The one who would one day rape me. It’s strange saying that because this was 4 or 5 years before it happened. I was 7 or 8 when I first met her, she was 12 or 13. That is a very strange way of saying it, the fact that this girl would one day rape me. She lived in Pico Rivera. Her name was R, I don’t know her last name and I don’t know her parents names so I have no way of ever finding her or them (sometimes I wish I could just so that I could tell them what happened, sometimes I am happy I can’t). My Grandpa worked for Yellow Freight, R’s dad worked for that same company, both of them good friends. I would be with my Grandpa every month for that breakfast, and every month R would be with her father. It’s not like we ever talked and if we did I don’t remember it, but I do somewhat remember her.

Christmas 1989 (maybe 1990 but I don’t think so), I was 10, we had this toy drive at the union hall for a ton of children! I remember helping out with the gifts and I remember R doing the same. Somehow we both ended up on the front stage together and we did this Christmas song together, it was just some dumb little fun that was in no way rehearsed and I am sure we were terrible, but it was fun.

We had a pool at my apartment complex. I know on a couple of occasions R came on over, no doubt her mom and dad were with my grandparents visiting. I do remember her just laying down on a towel and I do remember looking at her. I was no doubt at that age of curiosity but not having a clue what I was curious about. I remember how I would get out of the pool and walk by her and just look at her, and I remember doing this several times.

My first strange yet fun yet exciting experience with her was watching her change clothing. She was at the pool, she got up, put a towel around her waist, and took her bikini bottoms off and tossed on her shorts. I just always remember watching that. I am not sure if she knew I was watching or if she cared or if I honestly even existed in her life, but I do remember it.

Let me add I hit puberty early! I had hair on my legs before everybody else! I remember kids picking on me and calling me chewbacca.

So, let me talk about sex. back when I was a kid I knew nothing about it! NOTHING! For years (whatever age I was I don’t know) I always thought that a condom went over the tongue. I knew nothing about masturbation. I knew nothing about anything. Yes, I played those show me yours i’ll show you mine games, but we all did that. ‘I was again raised in a Christian home and a Christian school, sex was of the devil!

The ONLY thing I knew about sex was from Hollywood movies. The movie Big is my best example. Yea, that part where Tom Hanks touches that girls boob was sex for me.

The last known time I was with R before that day was at her sweet 16 party. It was at her house. It was a big party, I remember she had this blue dress on. I don’t remember anything else about it.

Like I said at the beginning this story is about rape #2. My first one was different. It’s nothing that I am ready on writing out just yet. It wasn’t intercourse, and I was young and didn’t know anything and maybe this is why it doesn’t affect my mind as much? It is something that I can’t explain in a a paragraph, but i’ll just say that it happened and I somehow just forgot about it in some strange way. R was different all around, and maybe when I write out #1 you will understand why.

my rape….

July 1991 is when this happened. I know this because my Grandparents and I took a vacation to Oregon in August during my 12th birthday party.

At my apartment/house in Santa Fe Springs. My Grandparents and her parents were going for the night. I had NEVER EVER in my life had a babysitter, it has just never happened. My Auntie and my 2 uncle’s lived nearby and I had a ton of family all over L.A. and I could always stay with basically with any one of them. I believe that the reason why R stayed with me that night was because her parents didn’t trust her staying at home alone. Her parents thought it was best that R just stay with me, more safer I guess.

So, this is where I add the TRIGGER WARNING!

I remember that R and I were on the living room floor playing a board game. I don’t remember what it was. My guess is that it was monopoly as I enjoyed playing that game.

She had a low top on, I remember looking at her boobs but I also remember acting like I wasn’t looking. I was at that age of curiosity.

Not sure when it happened. Not sure how long we played this game before it happened. I remember how she stopped playing and how she looked at me, this look of “should I.” It is a look that I will never ever forget.

I remember her grabbing my left hand and placing it on her right breast.

I remember her reaching between my legs. I am sure I had an erection but I don’t know. (I’ll add that this was not the first time that somebody reached between my legs, it happened one other time before this from at a the public swimming pool in Norwalk).

I know she said nothing. I know I said nothing. I know I did not panic. Maybe I did freak out but if I did it was nothing big. I knew this girl, I trusted this girl, I enjoyed being around this girl, so my guess is that I was just simply okay with it.

I always ask myself what was she thinking at the time? I am 11 years old, just a month shy of 12. R is 16. let me say that again, R is 16 years old. R knows what is right and wrong. R knows what she is doing is wrong. R knows what she is thinking is wrong. R knows all of this!

“The point of no return.” As I am writing this out that line I just quoted simply just entered my brain. The point of no return is correct. The idea of WHAT IF IT NEVER HAPPENED?!?!?!?!??

She ended up just grabbing my left hand, we got up, and we went around the corner and up the stairs (my apartment had 2 floors). I have no clue what I was thinking.

I remember her looking for the light switch in my bedroom.
I remember her telling me to get on my bed and lay down. I remember how I got on the bed on my left side and how she kinda helped me get on my back.

No other talking happened after this. None. Just none.

The point where I knew it was wrong was when she started taking my shorts off. I remember looking at her when she was doing this. I remember how I was reaching down, no doubt wanting to pull them back up, and how she moved my hands away. I remember her little giggling laughter.

I remember her sucking on me. I remember watching. I remember that I did have an erection. I remember watching her doing this. I remember how she pulled her hair away from her face. I remember the sound of her doing this on me. I remember how she never did look at me.

Strangely enough I remember the movie poster from E.T. on my bedroom wall. I could see it behind her.

How long this lasted I don’t know but she eventually stopped and got off me. She said “i’ll be right back” She said this with a bit of a smile, she said it with a bit of laughter. She ended up walking out of the room and going downstairs. I remember how I did not do anything. I didn’t get up or put my shorts on or anything. I just did not move.

A minute later and she was back in the room.
Not knowing what it was at the time but she had a condom in her hand. Now this condom was never ever intended for me, it was something she had in her purse and no doubt it was intended for some other guy later on down the road. It was never intended for me.
I remember her opening it. I remember her rolling it over my penis. I remember her taking her shorts off. I remember her walking over to the wall and turning the light off.

My therapist told me that she turned the light off because R knew she was doing something wrong. R didn’t want to look at me

I remember her coming back and getting on top of me.

Why did she do this? WHY?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Just this WHY will always be in my head. WHY! I can type out WHY for another 100 lines! I am 11 years old! I am 11!!!!

All I was for her at that moment was a toy. All I was for her was a penis. All I was for her was a dick. She only looked at me as a way of having sex, nothing else.

I remember how she thought she heard the front house door open from downstairs and how she jumped off me and went out of the bedroom and looked down the staircase. After a couple seconds she came back over and got back on top of me.

All I could see was a shadow of her. My room was dark, curtains closed. All I could hear was her breathing.

I have no idea how long this lasted, but it was probably just a few minutes.

She got off me and off the bed, Went on over and turned the light on. I remember not moving. I just didn’t move. I just froze. She came back over. She had me sit up, and she looked at me. The line I will never ever ever ever ever ever forget, “don’t tell your grandparents about this. Promise?” I don’t think I said anything at first because she ended up moving closer to me and saying again “promise me?” I guess I said I promise, I must have.

When I got up I still had the condom on. I took it off, for some reason I placed it on the table near my bed.

We started playing that board game but I couldn’t play. I remember how she reached her hand out and played with my hair and saying something like everything will be okay.

My Grandparents and her parents came back soon after. Maybe 15 minutes? Maybe 10? I just always wished that they came back sooner. I always wished that her parents never brought her over. I always wished that her parents never gave her the opportunity on doing this. R’s parents did not trust her being home alone, so instead they had her stay with an 11 year old boy. Great job mom and dad!!!!!!!!!

But the story does not end. It gets worse. It gets worse for me.

I remember them leaving. I remember how R didn’t look at me when she left. I remember her walking out the door. I remember my Grandma closing the door.

I remember going back upstairs and getting a shower.

When I am in the shower my Grandma opens the door to the bathroom and yells at me! She wants me to come out. I remember drying off and how she was still yelling at me to come out. I dried off, got dressed, I came out.

Walk over to my bedroom. My Grandma yells “WHAT IS THAT!?!?!” She was pointing at the condom on the table. I also remember my bed had a wet spot, I remember thinking that she peed on my bed. And a minute later my Grandma found the condom wrapper on the floor.

I was going to add right here that R should have taken the condom and the wrapper this way nobody would have ever known, but in all reality she never should have done anything with me PERIOD! R RAPED me! RAPE. I can type that out for the next 100 lines.

My Grandma is mad at me! My Grandpa is mad at me! I just remember how my Grandma held up this condom in front of my face and asking me WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!? I remember how my Grandpa was just as mad but how he didn’t say anything.

They blamed me. I am 11, going on 12, and it is MY fault! I am the one who made it happen and I am the one who did it. Yea, fucked up!

I know I tried saying something but I know it only made it worse.

My Grandma ended up paddling me with that wooden paddle back when I was a kid. I think I was 9 the last time this happened, honestly I could have been younger. I was a good kid so it’s anyone’s guess.

What makes it worse is that I ended up bending over my bed when she did this. The very bed that maybe 30 minutes ago I was raped in. I remember my face on that wet stain on my bed.

When my Grandma was done my Grandpa had her lave the room. My Grandpa had me remove my shorts and he ended up striking me with his belt. Yea, great times.

Never did see R again. Maybe my Grandparents talked with her parents? I don’t know. I think I still did go with my Grandpa to the casino for breakfast every month but I never did see her. Not sure if I ever did see her dad either, but I honestly didn’t know him much so maybe I just don’t remember.

I was grounded for a month. It was the summer time and I could not go out. It only ended when we took that trip to Oregon in late August.

Things between me and my grandparents became normal again, no doubt about that, but I am sure they looked at me in a different way from that point on.

Anyway, that is it. I wish I could end this story in some great way. I’ll add that sometimes the male can be the victim. I’ll add that older woman who do younger boys should be a 20 year sentence. The media keep talking about hot teachers doing young students and everybody keeps on saying the students got lucky. As for me I know the students are the victims.