Anonymous Story: I Was 12 and a Very Normal Little Girl

I keep coming here telling myself I will say something but each time I start writing I end up stopping midway and just forgetting about it. I will NOT do that this time!

Summer of 2010, I was a little 12 year old girl and I was on a trip with my mom over in San Diego, she had some business meeting. We stayed at a nice hotel. I remember the day before we were in the city doing a ton of fun shopping and just enjoying the day together.

The next morning I was up early and decided on going down to the lobby for breakfast. Tossed on my jogging shorts but couldn’t find any one of my t-shirts as the room was dark, but I did find my moms t-shirt and ended up wearing that. I realized when I got out of the room and in the hallway that the t-shirt was a v-top and that I was showing a little much, but I don’t believe I really thought twice about it. Only reason I did not go back in was because I didn’t want to wakeup my mom, I wasn’t thinking anything else.

Had my breakfast in the lobby. No problems.

Got back in the elevator and some guy entered right behind me. I was on the 9th floor and I remember he pushed the button for the 8th floor. I was leaning against the wall, had my headphones on listening to the song Hero by Skillet. Before I realized it the guy ended up pushing me up against the wall, his arm up against my chest, his right hand grabbing my right breast, and his left hand between my legs. I remember his face right up against mine, I remember the smell of his breath. For a few seconds he ended up fingering me, and in those few seconds I lost everything about who I was. Door opened and he got off the elevator. I just froze. I did not scream or anything, I just was in serious shock and confusion about what just happened.

For some reason I ended up going back down to the lobby and went into the restroom and found a stall and just sat down. I think I did this for 15 minutes but it could have been longer.

Got the courage on going back up to my room. I waited for this elderly couple to get on the elevator before me, but they ended up getting off well before my floor. That last 15 seconds of the elevator ride was one of the scariest moments on my life.

Got back in my room. My mom was still asleep. I ended up getting a very hot shower, it felt wonderful! After that I got in bed and acted like nothing happened.

I remember that night looking in the mirror and seeing these red marks on my right breast, the marks coming from his fingers when he grabbed me. I was 12, and I’m not sure how I should say this but loved everything about having boobs, I just loved everything about them, but after that day I wanted nothing of them.

Fast forward a couple years, age 14, and I ended up having sex with a friend who was 20 at the time. He was the older brother of one of my best friends. It was something that he wanted, he kept asking for it, and I simply gave in and let him do it. I didn’t want to fight over it or anything, I didn’t want to cause a scene, I just felt more comfortable getting it over with and having some kind of control. We did it maybe 4 or 5 times, soon after that he ended up leaving college and left for the Army. I found out a few years later that he actually had sex with one of my other best friends, she was 13 when he did her.

For the next year or so I had no interest in having a boyfriend or any kind of relationship with a boy. I had some wonderful times, but I always had a wall between me and everybody else.

Summer of 2014 and I ended up hanging out with this group of good friends, 3 girls and 4 guys. Not the best of groups but I was okay with them. After maybe a couple weeks this group ended up pressuring me and the 14 year old boy on having sex, it was pressure that lasted a couple weeks, and eventually we ended up doing it. I remember how the 3 girls were all happy for me and how the other guys were all a little bit more interested in me. Later on I had sex with one of the other boys in the group, he was my age.

late that summer I was with the 14 year old at his house just hanging out, nothing sexual. The 19 year old came on over and “sex” became a topic. I was very uncomfortable but I acted like I was okay with it, again it was easier on just doing it and not fighting about it. I found myself in the bedroom having sex with the 14 year old (again), I was thinking and believing that it was just going to be the two of us, but the 19 year old ended up walking in on us. They both ended up having sex with me, the older guy was very much in charge of how we did it. For a very brief moment I ended up having anal sex, I wasn’t expecting it, the older guy just started doing it. I remember just jumping away and screaming NO! He jokingly apologized, and I just started having sex again. He tried anal again a second time, again I was not expecting it, and this time he ended up farther inside me. I ended up just screaming in pain from it and I again jumped off and just yelled at him! I ended up leaving right after that second anal experience, I just got dressed and left. I remember the walk home and how I just started crying, I did my best in stopping and making myself not cry but it just kept coming. I was mad at myself for losing control of what was going on.

I look back at the summer of 2014 and just ask myself WHY??? I wasn’t stupid or dumb but I acted stupid and dumb!

A month or two later and 3 of the 4 boys ended getting in trouble, all of them got kicked out of school and all of them got a criminal record out of it. I also found out that one of the girls got pregnant from the 14 year old boy, she ended up having the baby. As for me I was somehow able to avoid all the trouble. I was still good friends with one of the girls, but everybody else in the group was either kicked out or quit high school all together.

I had my first real boyfriend in my senior year of high school. He was a super nice guy! Never pressured me and he was always very caring. After a few months we started having sex and it was a wonderful experience for the both of us. Exactly how it should be! He left for college and I lost touch with him soon after.

I will be 21 in just a few months. I feel like my life would have been different if I wasn’t attacked when I was 12, I am sure that everything about my sex life would have drastically changed for the better. All of the above still very much haunts me, mostly the incident when I was 12, but I somehow keep my life going. I feel like I am lucky that nothing bad seriously happened to me. I read the stories on here and I am thankful it wasn’t worse for me. I just keep telling myself that.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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