Anonymous Story: I trust my friend and I destroy myself.

Hello all i would like to tell everything hope hear i get some help and others also learnt from this.when i am 9 years old i meet one guy at my school. His name is [Y] and he is my classmate so after time goes we become friends and i don’t know when we become best friends. We meet everyday,we play games together everyday so we become good friends now.he is 5 year older than me i don’t know about it and also he is gay. After 2 years when i am 11 year old i am not know anything about sex. One day i went to his house thinking that we play something or see TV but i don’t know what he thinking about me. I don’t know friends are like this. I heard friends give you real happiness but i only heard that i experienced something else. So that day when no one on his house he talked with me something sexual content i am not understand anything. He removed his pants and he show me his dick to me. At that time i told him whatever you doing it is wrong not do with me stuff like this he removed my clothes also and he doing everything what he want. I am just 11 year old at that time. It is sex for him but it is rape for me. I don’t know how react at that time. I am totally shocked. Even today i don’t know how to react. I feel too much depressed many times. I feel stress and anxiety don’t know how to stable my mind. I love my work still can’t focus on my work. Many times suicidel throughts also comes but don’t know how to overcome it. I know it is not my mistake still can’t able to live life. Anyone here who can help me. Who told me what to do in this situation. I m feel happy if you help me and give proper guidance.