Anonymous Story: How Do I Cope?

So where do I begin?? Sorry it’s kind of long but here it goes…. Well I’ll start by saying that I was sexually assaulted 2x and sexually harassed . The first time is when I was in high school and I was 16 years old. I met a man and he was older than me. He was 27 years old at the time. I was really just talking to him as a friend. At that time I was really inexperienced when it came to sex. He never once came off sexual to me and was always pleasant. So one day I went to see him and my grandmother did not know. When I got to the apartment it was kind of empty like someone was moving. He was sitting on the bench smoking weed and I felt kind of weird because I don’t smoke. But he asked me to come sit beside him and I did. Then he started kissing me and touching on me and I was like no I don’t want to do that. He kept on and somehow laid me on the floor and started touching me and I tried to get up. So he didn’t listen so then I kicked him so he would stop. He got up and got so mad with me and started calling me names, choking and slinging me around. He threw my purse out my hand. So I ran to pick up my things. He was still mad at me and threatening to hurt me if I ever disrespected him again . So I was scared and crying and ran to the door trying to escape. Then he ran and blocked the door and said if I gave him a kiss then I could leave. I was scared at the moment and thought he would let me go…so I did kiss him. I was standing against the wall and he was in front of me so I couldn’t move. He started kissing and holding my face to kiss him back but I just had my mouth shut.He then started back touching me and grabbed my hand to feel his penis. He wanted me to see how hard he had gotten and he said to me, “are you gonna leave me like this?” So he forcefully laid me on the floor and started kissing me. He didn’t care that I was crying and said no. It was like my life was so surreal at that moment.He started to unzip my pants and I was crying uncontrollably. I remember pleading with him to not do this. So I made up a lie and said my period was on. He still pulled my pants and panties down to check and said he wasn’t gonna put it in. He realized it wasn’t on and so he took out his penis and began rubbing against my vagina and doing things to me. I think I kind of blinked out cause my body was froze and zoned out. When he got done I just remember crying still. My private area was so sore and I felt like my body had been violated. I don’t remember what he did because i was trying to think about something else and waiting for it to be over. When I got up I was hurting and felt really sore.All I felt was shame and I never really told. I left and ran fast as I could into my car. He even called afterwards and I asked him why did he do that to me. I said to him you tried to rape me and somewhat did. He got angry and threatened to kill me and my family if I told… so I didn’t because I thought he would after he had already done things to me….the second time this happened to me is when I met a guy friend when I was about 26. I was going thru a rough time and just wanted someone who cared and understood me…We met through Facebook and he was very attractive and I liked him. We even went on a few dates. We would always flirt with each other but nothing serious.So one day he came over after work to see me and we were chilling watching a movie. I remember it was the movie Bad Boys playing.Well he then just started to kiss me and I really felt he was coming on too strong but I didn’t say nothing of it. He then said he wanted to please me and I was hesitant because something in me just kind of got scared because I knew I don’t want to have sex but I didn’t know how to say it in a nice way. I kind of felt pressured to do it but I didn’t say anything I thought I was overreacting . So afterwards he wanted more and he wanted to have sex. But I really didn’t want to. He asked if I had a condom and I didn’t. So I was relieved and told him we aren’t having sex and I’m not having sex without protection. So he seemed ok so I thought.. Well then he got on top of me and wouldn’t let me put my panties back on. He started kissing me again and putting his fingers inside me. I felt uncomfortable and I said again…I don’t want to have sex. He said I’m not going to put it in…well he lied and next thing I know he moved his fingers and shoved his penis inside me. I kept telling him no and to stop because I didn’t want it and he was hurting me. He was so much bigger than I was so it was hard to get him off me. I was pinned to the sofa unable to move him. He had all his body weight on me… later he stopped because he got tired of me saying no. I could not believe this happened to me again. I felt sick to my stomach. That’s when I called my ex boyfriend and told him. But I couldn’t say what happened. See he thought I just slept with someone but I didn’t. He asked me questions about it but I him told it really wasn’t sex because I didn’t want it .I remember my ex hung up on me ….. so I just kept it to myself from then….Afterwards I was in shock and could not believe he had taken advantage of me . He really did that to me after I stated NO the first time. He then started saying how people do this and that and seemed like he was getting crazy. He wanted to stay the night but I wanted him gone and I just pretended like I was fine unto he left…I felt like it was my fault and couldn’t digest what had happened. I laid in my bed feeling sick and ashamed of what happened. I hate to use the word rape it just make me feel dirty…. I was so confused afterwards and he would still call me. And then one day he called and was talking about sex and he said to me, next time I’m not gonna stop. So that confirmed to me that he indeed knew he took advantage of me…… He got to the point where he was getting crazy so I blocked him from my phone. I could never date a man like that who Intentionally hurt me. I was worried sick afterwards thinking he gave me something or was pregnant. But everything was fine when I went to the doctor thankfully…He was the type that wanted to control me and would get upset when I couldn’t be with him…..he showed up to my after school job at the ymca luckily I wasn’t there …I remember one time we were suppose to go out somewhere and I had to cancel. Well he flipped out on me cause he thought it was someone else I was seeing and said I was just a hoe that teases and play with people and that I was stupid. He degraded me so bad. I told him to lose my number and I’m glad I didn’t go anywhere with his crazy ass. He probably would have gotten mad with me if I didn’t agree with something. He would stalk my page and just send crazy messages….not long ago he sent me a message on instagram saying it’s been awhile and how was I…the next thing is sexual harassment from a “man” that I knew I’ll just say that…. I will say I knew he liked me because he would always pop up at work where I was and say joking things. I felt like he would be watching me and it made me feel weird. So one day we had a staff party at one of my co-workers house. I was kind of late coming and he was texting me asking me where was I. And that I needed to hurry because he was leaving soon. So in my mind I’m like ok and??? So when I got there they were drinking and having fun. So they were talking about sex and playing truth or dare. I felt awkward because it was weird to be saying things around them. Well he had a little to much to drink. Everyone was downstairs playing cards and I was sitting in the living room eating. He came sat next me very close and telling me how pretty I looked. And how nice my butt looked and you can’t help but to notice. Then he start asking me sexual questions about sex and how many times I like to have sex. He asked me how much could I take? I was like wtf and I felt very uncomfortable at that moment. He was next to me and kept trying to find ways to be next to me touching me. I ended up leaving because he was getting too sexual and crossing the line and to this day when I see him I just can’t stop thinking about that. When I left he even had the nerve to text me and apologize for how he was acting and he said he can’t help it but that’s how he view me… with him I just feel like I don’t want to ever be around him by myself because he makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve tried to bury all my bad memories deep inside but it’s like those are the ones that constantly bothers me. And that’s why I’m so mean sometimes because I deal with a lot…I’ve kept all this in and it’s really tearing me down…