Anonymous Story: He Thought He Did Nothing Wrong

I married my ex husband when I was 18 and pregnant. He always used sex as a weapon and was hyper promiscuous. He told me that if I was capable of satisfying him he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere. I became less and less interested in intimacy with him and often he would come home and just be wanting sex. He didn’t care if I wasn’t ready or “wet”, he didn’t care if I just laid there praying for him to be finished or crying and saying it hurt. All that mattered was what he wanted and I felt like I just didn’t know any better. Then the emotional and physical abuse started as well. It was all tangled up and messy and I began to hate myself for being so stupid. Eventually I had a second baby. There I was 22 yrs old, 2 kids and I figured I’d eventually wind up dead at his hand but I was petrified of leaving and losing him. I know it sounds crazy but somehow I convinced myself that these two beautiful children of mine should have both parents and that the price of these children was all of the abuse. How did my thinking become so distorted ? I was raised in a loving home with parents happily married. I know now that he was just a master manipulator.
Fast forward, he gets caught up in some criminal activities and sentenced to state prison. Toward the later part of his sentence he was eligible for a conjugal visit and in order to make I went he told me how much he loved me and he had changed and I so wanted to believe it and I went. In the apartment on the prison grounds he hit me again and again I didn’t report it. I was so ashamed. But I did make a decision. Before his release, I visited and told him that it was over. He asked me to at least pick him up with our kids and let him stay at my place a couple days so he can figure out where he would go. I told him ok but he would have to seeping the couch. Of course he agreed.
Second or third night he was there he came to my room, where my children were in the bedroom next door. He told me not to make a sound or he would make sure they woke up and know what was happening. I had two daughters that I never wanted to have this happen to so I stayed silent. He began to aggressively assault me. I felt like I was just holding my breath. All of a sudden he began to choke me. He hissed that he should just kill me right then. All I could get out of my mouth was go ahead it could’ve any worse than that moment. I thought he might actually do it but I think that maybe surprised him because he got up and left the room and left my house the next day.
Just telling this story, so many years later, I still start to tear up and feel like I cannot breathe.
I didn’t understand for so long just how much this has caused such trauma for me.
I have been very honest with my current husband about this period of my life, but I do still find myself lacking in sexual desire and feel like my current husband, who loves me unconditionally, is also a victim of my sexual abused past. This makes me so sad.