Anonymous Story: He Lied

A couple of months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I always had a feeling that something wasn’t right as our relationship continued, and now that I know for sure what happened to me was rape, I feel so much better that I ended it before things could continue.

He wanted to begin sexual activities halfway through our first year of the relationship, and then he continued this throughout the rest of our relationship. Sometimes I would be okay with what we did, but most times I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him. I continued to refuse and tell him that I didn’t feel like it.

He knows that I’m a pushover. I will break and agree to do whatever someone wants me to because I’m afraid of the effect my refusal will have on them. In this case, I was afraid I would lose him or he would get angry at me and cheat on me to satisfy himself. He used that against me.

He got upset most times and sulked for a bit, making me feel guilty, like I had done something wrong by refusing to do whatever sexual activity he wanted us to do. It wouldn’t take long before he would start touching me to try and ‘get me in the mood’ and to change my mind about doing something with him.

I always felt disgusting, weak, helpless, used, betrayed, and hurt when we finished whatever he wanted us to do. I haven’t told anyone about what he did to me until today, when I had the courage to tell my best friend. My parents don’t know about what happened (I’m a senior in high school), and I’m so ashamed of what happened.
I hate myself for it and I hate that I was so willing to forgive him for doing that to me. He would tell me afterwards that he would never force me to do things like that again.

Well guess what?

He lied.