Anonymous Story: He Doesn’t Love Me

My first sexual encounter was at the age of three. He penetrated me with his finger and pressed his cheek against mine. It happened multiple times but I didn’t say anything until it started to hurt. When I finally did say something she looked shocked and gasped. But I always remembered the thoughts that were in my head when it happened. What I was thinking and I always thought to myself, I was such a smart little girl. But now I know the Truth! I was taken someone where else and it happened again only this time he this person put their penis in my mouth and told me that if I told anyone my mom would find out and beat me. So I kept quiet. Then it happened again, but with the boy down stairs (we were around the same age 4or5) and he made me put his penis in my mouth and said “if you don’t do it I’ll tell your mother and she’ll beat you”. So I did it and kept quiet until it became so sickening that I didn’t care if anyone told my mother. I just wanted it to stop. I got a little older and we started going to church and that’s when the conversations in my mind started. They weren’t all bad but now I realize the danger I was in and what could have happened if I engaged in conversation with the person speaking to me in my mind.

From that point on I was like a magnetic for sexual encounters and it was like I wanted to have sex all the time and I didn’t know why. I remember what the lady at church told me, that I can’t have sex until I was married and that I can never kill myself or say anything bad about the Holy Spirit or I would never go to Heaven. I’m just now realizing what she said and that she only said it to two out of all the kids in the children’s ministry. But the feelings of wanting to have sex kept coming and so did my desires. I told my mother and she said that it was normal. (ugh!) I got older and when I decided to have sex I didn’t feel anything. At first I thought it was just the guy I was with but the more I had sex the more I realized that it was something wrong with me and that my vagina was just a pouch. An empty pouch and I would never be able to connect with a man the way I was suppose to. But I never complained about it I just focused on school to take my mind off of sex. I didn’t date although I really wanted to, I just accepted it. I continued to go to church but it never crossed my mind that I could ask Jesus to heal me. I get scarred just thinking about it because I know what its like to ask for something important or need something important and not get it!

I got older and it happened again only this time its a little harder to prove. All I can say is that a man who lived across the hall in the same apartment complex came into my home while I was sleeping and did God only knows what to me. How do I know because he lifted up my eyelid to make sure I was asleep. Another time he was kneeling beside the couch I was sleep on and it looked like he was going to unzip my hooded. Another time I woke up and my body was in a weird position and my clothes were on me all weird. I think some of the people in the apartment building know whats going on because they tried to warn me when I first moved in but, I didn’t really understand what they were trying to tell me. I came home from working thirds shift once and I was so exhausted that I couldn’t get out of my car and two men came out from behind the bushes and they saw me sitting in my vehicle. I heard one of them say, she sitting in here car and they ran. The girl up stairs came into my apartment when I was sleeping as well. I started waking up as she was putting something into my mouth but I quickly went back to sleep. I guess that was payback for waking her up to move out of my parking space.

The only thing I knew to do was go to a pastor to seek spiritual guidance on what happened or what to do. But I got kicked out the church.

When I look at my life it looks like no one every really cared or tried to protect me. And no matter how many times I go to church for help and guidance I get kicked out and I don’t know why. In a way if feels as though Christ doesn’t love me or want me. And it hurts especially when a pastor tells you that you can’t join the church or recommends you go somewhere else. Or when you start to discuss whats going on for spiritual counseling they hand you off to someone who causes doubt and confusion. Once a pastor told me that he was going to help, he promised but he and is wife ended up going on vacation. And when he did finally speak with me he didn’t let me talk or try to explain what was going on.

I feel like I want to destroy myself, not kill but destroy!! I know Satan comes to kill steal and destroy but I never thought that the church would do that. I know now what the unpardonable sin is and I look back at what the lady told me when I was a little girl about what will happen. The church made me want to destroy myself and it hurts so bad words can’t even describe.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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