Anonymous Story: he doesn’t even know what he did

Valentine’s Day, because of him this date will always be stuck in my head. The underwear I wore, the teddy bear he gave me, the pants, my top, my bra, everything, I wore that day, I will remember because of him. We had a very toxic relationship. Before we met my mental health was severely bad and it still is, I knew it wasn’t right for me to get in a relationship but I felt i needed a distraction so I chose him. Of all guys, why choose the one that treats you the absolute worst, while you are already struggling enough, you may ask. Well part of my mental health issues was the way i was treated by my father. We don’t have a very close relationship anymore, he isn’t very nice to me so I didn’t know how i deserves to be treated by a guy. I thought i deserved a guy like my father. So i went after a guy who reminded me the most of him. DG is what i will call the guy. No that’s not his real name but i’m going to call him that. We had been talking on and off for about a month. Valentine’s Day he called me and asked me to come over. I said yes. I knew my mom wouldn’t allow me to go to his house so i went to my friends house to stay the night there so i could see him. I got a ride to his house. I walked in his house and he had his shirt off so of course i was flattered. He lead me up the stairs into his room. He put on a movie and we cuddled for a little while. He started getting touchy which was fine because i didn’t mind that. Then he gave me head, which i was also fine with. A couple of minutes later, he got on top of me. He started taking his pants off. I said “DG i don’t want to have sex.” I don’t remember exactly what he said but he said something along the words of “just let me stick the tip in.” I didn’t say anything because i was terrified. He said he was going to stick the tip in so i felt like i had no choice but to have sex with him. So i told him to go put a condom on. He walked into his bathroom and walked out a few seconds later. He got back on top of me and i said “i really don’t want to do this.” He just said something along the lines of “I’m just putting the tip in it won’t hurt.” So he put it in and i asked him to stop. He wouldn’t. So i tried pushing his body off of me but that made him come down on me harder. It seemed like he thought i wanted it or didn’t realize how serious i was. He took it out for a second and then proceeded to put it back in. Then i realized he never put a condom on. So i said “you didn’t put a condom on” and he said “i know, it will be fine i will pull out.” Then he told me to hold my legs, i told him i didn’t want to have sex but he said it would hurt less so i did. He put his dick back in me and he said he would stop if i hurt. I told him it hurt but he just said to give him another try. I tried pushing him off of me and eventually he stopped. Afterwards, i just felt so confused. I didn’t know what just happened. So i acted like everything was fine. We continued to cuddle and lay in bed. I never brought it up and we acted like nothing happened at all. We made out a few times and i left around midnight that night. Before i left, he said “bye, i love you”. When i got back to my friends house i immediately broke down. I kept replaying that same image in my head of him on top of me. I told them what happened and they said it was rape but they also kept brushing it off and saying “at least you had fun, just think of that.” I acted like everything was fine because i didn’t want to accept what happened. The day after, i ended things with him. He told one of his friends i went to his house after he promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone. Later on i texted him and told him we were done. He never answered but hours later he sent me a snapchat picture that said “STOP CHASING THESE HOES AND GET SUM BREAD.” I knew that was directed towards me and it made me feel awful. So now where do i go? How do i live with this? While he just gets to move on and act like nothing happened and i’m left feeling broken. I don’t know how to feel and who to blame. I’m mad at myself for going to his house when i know i shouldn’t have. I keep telling myself if i never went to his house this never would have happened. If i just said no a little more, maybe he would have stopped. If i tried pushing him off more, maybe he would have backed off. Maybe if i just didn’t hold my legs he wouldn’t have done it. Maybe i lead him on and he thought i wanted it when i told him to put a condom on. Maybe if i didn’t act like everything was fine afterwards he would have known that he hurt me. I’m mad at myself. I am mad at him also. I’m sad. I’m confused. I just keep asking myself “Did this really happen?” “Was i raped or am i over reacting?” “Is this karma?” “Did he think i wanted it?” I’m completely broken and i blame myself for most of it. He dropped so many hints that he wanted he to have sex with him, and that’s what he got. He won, he did. And i lost, i’m broken. The worst thing is, i miss him sometimes. I look back on our pictures and tell myself “maybe what he did wasn’t that bad” or “maybe he thought u liked it.” I don’t know how to feel at all. I just feel completely confused. I feel like the gray static tv when the tv isn’t working. Where do i go now? Some of my friends say i was raped, but i’m not going to accept that. I don’t want to say i was raped, i’m not ready to accept that. I’m only 14 and i have to carry this around. I’m not going to an adult because i don’t want to make things worse. He’s probably going to tell the people at school i had sex with him and all i can do is accept it. I don’t know if i was raped. I know i have people but they don’t understand and i’m not mad at them for that but it’s hard. No i’m not okay. How can i be? Some of my friends are acting like everything is okay but i’m so broken. I have no idea what to do at all. Thanks to him, valentine’s day will be a date i will never ever forget. So far only 8 people know. That’s a lot of people that know. And i’m so mad at telling myself because i feel like i need to keep my mouth shut. “Was it rape?” “Did i do all that i could?” Those are the questions i will continue to ask myself until i learn to live with this, if i ever do.