Anonymous Story: Guilt and Silence

I was 12 and my abuser who we will call “Steve” was 16. I always felt that since we were both younger that it didn’t apply as sexual abuse and that the abuser had to be significantly older. I sat beside him in class, it was a split grade class and he had been held back a few years. It started with him fondling himself in class, touching me etc, all of which i was very uncomfortable with given the setting. There were two girls that sat on the opposite side of me who both experienced the same abuse I did over the same amount of time. I have always felt guilty for not telling a teacher earlier and I have felt responsible for the girls beside me being exposed to this. One of the girls attempted suicide a year after and I keep telling myself I am the reason. This behaviour continued for a few months. Then one day, I was late getting to gym class so I was the only person in the change room at the time, in walks Steve. He turned off the lights held me down, and slapped me across the face with his penis, he then tried to force himself on me which resulted in me fighting back and managing to get out of the change room. Later that week a student reported his behaviour in class to the principal and a group of us who sat around him were called down to the office. We explained what had happened to the principal over the last few months, but I didn’t mention the incident in the change room and haven’t told anyone about that since. As I grew older, most of my friends and peers would joke and laugh about what he did in the classroom and downplay it, which made it even harder to tell people that he raped me. As the years go on it hasn’t gotten any easier, if anything it has gotten harder. 8 years later I am still the only person on the planet who knows about this and I can’t imagine what my life would be like after telling someone