Anonymous Story: Erased From My Brothers Memory

I had to have been 4-6 years old when it happened. Which would only make him 10-12… I was laying in my room flipping through channels & I landed on a very vivid sex scene. I didn’t change the channel because I was curious as to what I was watching when he walks in. I quickly changed the channel & he acted like he didn’t see. He asked if I wanted to go to my grandpas shop (alittle shed with tools & work stuff), so we went . There was an old couch there so we sat down.. he asked me if I wanted to try doing what the people on the tv were doing . Apart of me knew it wasn’t okay , but I was young. So I said yes or sure .. He told me to pull my pants down & then he put it in what felt like my butt hole … I don’t remember if he heard my dad walking or saw him through the window or if my dad knocked but we quickly moved the couch & stood there .. he told us to go play somewhere else because he needed to do something .. my brother took me to a room in my Mimi’s house because no one was inside & he did it again except on the floor this time & I remember it hurt. It didn’t last for long … When we left I remember what he said “Let’s just forget we ever did that ok? Neither of us can tell anyone” I agreed & went on with my life.. it never happened again… I’m 19 now; it took until I was about 14 to realize I had been taken advantage of & I still have dreams of him trying to kill me. I can’t seem to get past it & I don’t think he even remembers.. I read that sometimes people can forget things like that , that brought them extreme guilt. But after that hE was mean to me. Maybe coping .. but we never spoke of it. I told my mom & sister & my current significant other but nobody else . He’s a cop now, engaged & happy with life .. I could never ruin that for him…. My big brother raped me & he erased it from his memory..