Anonymous Story: Can’t Forget

I don’t remember it happening. Shit. Now that I’m thinking hard of enough I do. Shit. Now that I’m thinking hard enough. I can remember his body pressed on mine. Stop. Shame. I don’t remember how many times it happened. Once. Twice. Shit. Forget. Forget. Stop thinking. Shame.

I don’t like thinking of it. I tried so hard to make better memories. To make any memories just to erase the one that won’t go away. Why does my mind choose to remember this over my fifth Christmas? Even when I see pictures I can’t remember. Not even if I try hard enough.

You know what I do remember?
I remember not knowing what was happening. I remember asking myself why this had never happened to me before. I remember thinking about why this person was the first person to do this with me. I was 5. I thought my parents were supposed to show me new experiences. Also, why did he tell me to be quiet. Why was that the first secret I had to keep.

I’m 7 now and some people come to school & show us all a tape. My heart drops. I’m 7. The girls cousin is touching her inappropriately. “Tell someone” the video says. First panic attack. First memory. First anxiety attack. First time I’ve had to teach my young mind to not do anything. First time I’ve contemplated anything in my life. The rollercart with the shitty tv gets dragged out of the room. “Anyone have anything they need to say?”. I look around. Kids are making jokes. Teacher tells them it’s serious. I don’t remember anything until I’m in my parents car. I should tell them. I really should tell them. I’m having anxiety again, I’m 7. But what if he gets in trouble?
What if I get blamed? What if they don’t believe me? Funny how now I can see a glimpse as to why I overthink things… Why I prep myself in the mirror before I see people. Because I have to make sure that I don’t stutter. Because I have to make sure that I hold their eyes. Because I have to make sure that they know I’m not lying to them. Because I have to make sure that everything I say is the absolute truth. Shitty.

Nothing comes out. Except “can we get ice cream?”. A small sign of how I would end up coping with a lot more things in my life. I’m never hungry but food fills a void.
Really the story never ends.

…10 – first therapist. I won’t open up.

… 15- anorexia. I won’t eat anything. I tell everyone at lunch that I’m not hungry. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be unwanted. I’m already unwanted because if anyone found out that I went through this I’d never be wanted. I’d kill myself.

17- ” weed makes you forgetful” ” acid can change your personality”
Nobody else is thinking about these comments except me. Everyone else is just thinking about how cool they’ll be around others. Me. I just want to try and forget. More weed. More cigarettes. Teacher says I’m too bright and I’m going to lose brain cells. “Good” I think to myself. I want to lose brain cells. I want to forget. They think I’m being rebellious. Nobody asks anymore. Nobody brings it up anymore. Nobody wants to know if that happened to me anymore. Nobody’s asked since.

18- panic attack. Voices are screaming to me within my own head. I can’t control it. My heart rate is pretty high. I feel like I’m dying. I got so high that I triggered psychosis. Tell someone. Tell someone. It’s like 10 voices at a time. Now I can’t even tell what I’m thinking. My roommates think I’m crazy. I feel crazy. I should go see the doctor. I want to forget. I want to forget so bad. I can’t forget.

19- ” are you still a virgin?” Jeez that one hurts. Because everyone is talking about their first time. Am I still a virgin? I don’t know? Not by choice. Can they stop asking this question? It makes me wonder if my sexuality was my choice or if it was brought on by rape. It makes me wonder what I would’ve been. It makes me wonder if I could’ve been more open with people. It makes me feel ashamed. Very ashamed.

My friend plays a horror film and two young guys are being raped. I squirm. I can’t contain it anymore. I say nothing. I told him about my anorexia and he made fun of me and told everyone about it. I’ll keep my mouth shut. I sit it out for 10 minutes. “Hey, I’ve got to go”. It’s the only time I lie. I have to be so honest all the time if I want anyone to ever believe when I open up to them. I tell my mom & she doesn’t react. I wish she did. I wish she would’ve spent a day consoling me. Telling me that she wishes she could’ve stopped it but she didn’t. I quit KU. My roommates being nuts and tries to kiss me twice without my permission. I turn my head twice. A few days pass and I think I’m starting to like him. Shit. Stockholm syndrome. Too aware to say anything or act on anything. It drives me insane. I can’t go to school right now. It’s an obessession now, I have to get rid of this memory. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke.

21- I tell my grandma after an argument that i caused because she’s complimenting this person. He such an angel. Best grandkid. My blood is boiling. How can she be so stupid! I know she knows! What a bitch! I wish I didn’t say those things but I did. I tell her. She doesn’t care. I’m a guy. I should get over it. Shit. I knew this is what would happen. I always knew.

23- first time I don’t think twice about telling anyone. First time I feel loved. First time I don’t think sex is dirty. First time that I realize that I can be loved despite. First time I tell someone that I understand. First time I do that without making sure that it’s not vague. First time I say it without being angry or upset. First time I realize the levels of pain & confusion. First time I don’t care that it happened. First time that it empowers me because it stops disabling me. First time I feel like I have something to say. & my rape victim peer has disappeared. I have nobody to tell. I hope she doesn’t feel alone. I know what she’s feeling.