Anonymous Story

I have a problem saying the word no. I never wanted to hurt or make someone upset. So at 23 I found myself dating an ex from high school that I really didn’t know. It was only the third day we had seen each other since we started dating and his hands found their way under my dress. I haven’t really been touched like that in years and while I knew I should have stopped it I let him play with me. He pulled me on top of him and continued to play with me and kiss be. He started saying how he wanted to be inside me. I live at home and I knew my parents would be home soon. I didn’t want to get caught and I didn’t want to have sex. I no longer wanted his hands inside me. So I told him no even though I hated saying it. I was saying no and not now. I kept repeating “we have to stop. I’m not ready.” He said something but I wasn’t sure what it was. It sounded like he said he was going to cum. I was confused how was he going to cum with his fingers inside me. Suddenly I felt something wet between my legs and noticed his hands were just hidden under my dress not inside me despite feeling something in there. He got me to stand up and that’s when I noticed his penis was out and cum had ripped out of his pants. He asked me if I enjoyed it and I just nodded unsure of what really happened. He left and I felt dirty. It wasn’t until later that night after everything played in my head that I realized what had happened. What I thought was his fingers inside me was really his penis. I told my two best friends and one of them told me I was raped. the other said that because I didn’t scream or try to get up that it couldn’t be rape if I didn’t fight it. I feel used but I don’t want to take away from the real victims. But I didn’t know and i’m disgusted with myself that I didn’t realize he was inside of me. I Never wanted to have sex and I wouldn’t have sea if yes if he asked me. I haven’t seen him since that day. He blocked me on everything a couple of days later. its hard being in the living room because I start thinking about that day. I can’t touch myself without thinking of him but I want to get rid of the idea of him. I just don’t know how I should feel.