Anonymous Letter: Nobody Rapes On Accident

I think you remember me. A mutual friend introduced us and we exchanged numbers before winter break with plans to hang out. On December 27, 2012, you raped me. We were watching a movie in my basement. You kissed me. I kissed you back. We decided to move upstairs to my bedroom when my mom came home from work so she wouldn’t walk in on us.

You got naked and laid down in my bed. I took my shirt and bra off and laid down next to you. Then, you took off my skirt tights and put your penis inside me after I told you “no” and “I really don’t want to do that.” You didn’t listen. Maybe you thought I wanted to have sexual with you because I had my shirt off. I didn’t. I wanted to make out with and maybe fool around with you. I did not want to have sex with you. And I made that explicitly clear to you. But you didn’t listen. My first sexual experience will always be rape because of you.

I quickly learned you weren’t going to take “no” and “don’t” and “please” for an answer. So I tried to sit up. Maybe a physical cue would help you realize I did not want to have sex with you. You pushed me back down. I tried this again. You pushed me back down again, hard. Eventually, I gave up. I tried to pretend I was somewhere else.

Later, you pulled me on top of you. I was in so much pain, I told you this, you didn’t stop. I managed to pull myself off of you, but that didn’t stop you either. You raped me while I laid on my back.

You pulled my hair and pushed my head down on your penis, to make me go down on you. I managed to pull myself up to tell you I couldn’t breathe when you held my head down like that. I said “please don’t make me do that.” You pushed me down again and held my head there. I was choking. For a moment, I thought I was going to die. When you let go of your grasp on me, I was crying. You either chose not to notice or didn’t care.

When you told me you were going to cum, I asked you to please pull out. You weren’t wearing a condom, and I wasn’t on birth control. Once again, you didn’t listen, and came inside of me. I was horrified I was pregnant until I got my period weeks later.

I am telling you this because I have been living with the trauma of what you did to me for 5 years. It took me a long time to learn that sex is not an act of violence or a voiceless experience like your actions taught me it was. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder shortly after you raped me and still suffer from nightmares and flashbacks of the event. I cannot press charges anymore, the statue of limitations in Illinois is 3 years. I wish I had, but as a teenager, I was too ashamed of what you did to me to tell the police, or really anyone. I wish I had confronted you earlier, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you again. I regret this tremendously, as now there is not much I can do to gain any closure.

While I hope my telling you this helps you reflect on your actions and stops you from doing this to another woman, I am not doing this for your benefit. Because you already know what you did. You knew what you were doing while you were doing it to me. Nobody rapes on accident. I am sending you this message so I can put the pain and shame I have been carrying where it belongs, with you. If I have to live the rest of my life as a victim of rape, you should have to live the rest of your life knowing you raped me.