Ally’s Story: I Was Saving Myself For Marriage

It’s been 8 years and god knows how many days since I was 16 but I remember every agonizing thing and moment that happened during that time frame. If you knew me back then, you wouldn’t recognize me now. Not just because I grew up, but because I now have a voice that can speak up for myself unlike the scared, traumatized and confused girl I used to be.
At 16 years old I was a perky, fun, church group attending little blonde who couldn’t be more excited for everything the future had planned. I was the literal definition of a good hearted person who saw the world through rose colored glasses. I’d been raised in the church which was ironic because that’s the exact place I met Him aka my abuser. I’d been crushing on him and a friend of his for a little over a year so you can imagine my surprise when he started to show me attention and told me he liked me. I was beyond ecstatic because in my head I didn’t think I was pretty enough or anything like that to get a guy to like me. After a few weeks of talking, on October 31st, 2010, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was thrilled considering he was my first boyfriend. With nothing to compare it to except Disney princess movies and all the other movies that make romance sound glorious and perfect, I assumed that this was going to be pretty much the same way if not extremely similar. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I think I first noticed his anger when his mom told him he couldn’t go to my schools homecoming dance on November 19th, 2019. He’d gotten home from school and gotten into a fight with his mom and she’s grounded him from going with me to the dance. I don’t remember how he wound up being able to go but somehow he managed to show up to my house with his mom to take pictures and head to the dance. The entire ride over he was so quiet, I begged him over and over to just relax and have fun and I could sense this dark, weird vibe coming from him but chose to ignore it. He didn’t even try to have fun while we were there and avoided dancing as much as possible. All the girls on my cheer squad kept asking me why he was being like that and I didn’t have an answer for them. Every time I tried to cheer him up or asked him to dance, he’d tell me to ‘f*** off and go away’. I was so upset that he was ruining my first school dance at this new school and didn’t know why he was so mad at me or what I’d done. About 15-20 minutes before it ended he finally got up and attempted to dance with me and barely tried to fake a smile or a good mood. When we left the dance on the way back to his house, he told to pull over in an empty church parking lot two streets away from his home and told me to cut off the car and the headlights. I asked him what we were doing here and he said he didn’t want to home just yet and that he just wanted some more alone time with me. I was happy because he’d finally cheered up but when I turned my head to look at him, I saw his eyes had gone from hazel to a dark black and my stomach got uneasy. He started kissing me and touching my waist while telling me how much he loved me and how he was sorry for being in a bad mood all night and I said I loved him too and that I forgave him.
I should’ve known what was gonna happen next when he pulled me willingly into the backseat of my car but I was young and naïve and trusted people more than I should have. He went from just barely kissing me to grabbing me and forcing his tongue down my throat while groping my chest. I tried to push him off of me and told him to stop but he kept saying if I loved him I’d let him do whatever he wanted. I told him I loved him but he needed to stop. Of course he didn’t listen and despite my best efforts and me crying for him to stop and get off me, he continued to have his way with me. Eventually he’d pinned me down where I couldn’t move and put himself inside me. I screamed out in pain because up until that moment, I was a virgin with a purity ring and a promise to God that I’d save myself for marriage.
Once he finished, he got off top of me, sighed and then bent down and kissed me and said I love you. I was in shock and frozen in disbelief and couldn’t move. I wasn’t sure what had just happened or how to process it and he was cool as a cucumber. Unfortunately this wasn’t the only time he forcefully raped me even though I tried so hard to fight him off and begged him not to do it. The abuse and violence continued for 8 months until he finally broke up with me and that was the day I was finally free. I didn’t have the strength to ever leave him because he’d threatened to kill me and repeatedly told me ‘You’re used up, damaged goods and not a stupid little virgin anymore. No one will ever want you again after me.’ 8 years later I’m finally mature enough and have the mental strength to be processing my rape and coming to terms with losing my virginity without my permission. I was even so ashamed after it all because I didn’t stop him and he told me it was my fault for making him angry, that I went back to the jewelry store my dad bought my gorgeous purity ring from and told the man that he could have this back. He asked if I wanted to sell it back to him and I said no and that it wasn’t worth anything anymore because I wasn’t pure.
After years of therapy and flashbacks I’m so happy and proud of myself that I can actually talk about it, recognizing that it was not my fault and accepting what I can’t change but can come to terms and be at peace with it. I’ve grown stronger because of my trauma and feel more free and happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.