Alice’s story: How could my mother not notice.

Alice’s story: How could my mother not notice.

Before i was happy. An outcast at school, but happy. I had my mother. Back then she was the best. I had my siblings. A sister, she was perfect. Thin, blonde, blueeyed and dumb. Like they should be. I had my two older brothers. Alot older. 10 and 11 years older. They were nice back then too. But don’t get me wrong. They didn’t do anything. Maybe thats the problem.

Then my mother started seeing her new and current husband. She wanted to call him my stepfather. I was eight so i played along. First i was happy. I had no father. He lived far away and my mother said he didn’t love me anyway.
The first time it happened my mother was at work. He was laying on our couch and asked me to come. I sat dow in the couch. He put his legs in my lap and just asked if i could scrach them and if i did I could have some candy. I didn’t really want to, but I was a kid so I said yes. It started at the legs, but he always said to go higher. I could feel his “special area” and even as an eight year old i knew what it meant when a man got hard. Then my mother came home. He then quickly shoved me off and greeted her. After a while ofcourse. He would also offer me a “leg scrach”. And the payment? Candy ofcourse. The first time he would touch my private part too. An eight year olds private parts. I was scared and screamed “Rape”. But no one was home that day. And he got really mad. I got even more scared. I never said no to him again. I was scared. So so scared. When i got older and got curves i could get candy if i let him squeese my ass or my breasts. Or both. I didn’t say no. I took the candy. Stood before him, and let him do it. He would also give me massages. I would only wear my panties. And he would just squeese on my whole body. My breast, my ass, my thighs, my legs, my arms. The first time it happened. I felt gross. I was 11. I felt sick to my belly. I would stand in the mirror. Naked. And say to myself “You’re such a whore, you were built to be a whore”. I went to the playground at my school at dark. And tried to hang my self with a skipping rope, but i was scared. So i didn’t do it. But i really wanted to. He would also offer me to have sex with him. The price you ask? Candy and video games. To that i alwayd said no.

I had a tough time at school and it made me really scared to sleep. Even now i panic when i just close my eyes. So i would go up the stairs and ask my mother if i could sleep in their bed. That was a really bad idea. I couldn’ sleep any better there. I had my legs crossed and my pants on and tied. He would try and touch my privates. He was greated my my tightly crossed legs. He would get mad and say ” A womans pussy should always be open for her man”. While my mother laid next to him. I never slep in their bed again. I felt sick. Always sick. On the weekends he would get drunk. And angry. Spit horrible comments to my mother and say evil things to me. One weekend he said to me” The devil’s gonna come to you while you sleep” . This and other abuse continued till i was 20 years old and met my savior. My soulmate. He showed me that I was worth the best and it wasn’t my fault. I haven’t told my mother, but i tried to. It’s really hard since she, my brothers and my sister turned agains me. Because my mother got mad at me and scrached up my arms with her nails, for not giving her my phone.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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