A D’s Story: It’s still crushing

Growing up, I never thought it could happen to me. After all, I grew up with society telling me “men can’t be raped”. Well I was and every thing that has happened since then still brings me back to that day. I was a senior in high school and I chose to date one of my closest friends. All went well during the school year, but once the summer hit she took things to a drastic measure. I explained to her many times before this incident that I was not ready for sex, that I am not interested in sex. I guess she didn’t care. Since one day I woke up and she had both my arms and my legs hand cuffed to the bed. She forced a Viagra down my throat and I struggled to keep spitting it back up, but after several times I finally realized I could not win and quit struggling. Then she raped me. I still remember the words that she whispered in my ear after words…. “If you report me, I’ll say you raped me. Who will they believe, you or me?” These words scared me to no end. I mentally struggled with what to do until nearly a full year later. One year later, I went to the police station and finally reported everything. My experience in the police station was another soul wrecking experience. The officer I was explaining to was clearly holding back his laughter. When I finished he broke out into laughter and told me “Kid, men can’t be raped by women. Go home and quit wasting my time.” After that experience, I tried to explain to my best friend but after I got to the part of handcuffed he cut me off saying “That’s hot”. So I choked back my tears, bit my tongue, and pretended like it was nothing. It was clear even my best friend didn’t care. Everything was just so crushing, no still is. Fast forward to today and I have dated two other people, a man and a woman. Both of which broke up with me because I was/am unwilling to have sex with them. I can’t even to bring myself to explain why. How would I explain to them the memories that even mentioning sex brings up? It hurts too much and I honestly do not know how to go about trusting someone with my story.

Am I a survivor? yes.
Do I feel like I am surviving? No

-A D