22 Year Old Student’s Story: Was It Rape?

We were having a dinner party at our student house. I was hospitalised just two months before for my depression and I was on heavy medication. You are not allowed to drink with anti depressants.. But I did. I didn’t care about my life. I just wanted to have fun. So I drank. A lot. I felt safe. I was with my housemates drinking and having fun. But one housemate was making comments about my clothes. That I looked sexy, how my boyfriend was so lucky with me. I didn’t feel really comfortable, but I liked the attention.

Then everyone went to bed and I was alone with him. He made me keep drinking… I said that I was going to throw up. He said I needed to come to his room. So I did… I don’t know why..

Then he ordered me to take of my clothes.. I complied.. Why? I don’t know… I was so drunk.
Then we had sex.. but it hurt and I told him it hurt. I don’t remember if I told him to stop.. But I did say it hurt…
He was really rough with me and when he finished there was blood all over the place.. Over his sheets and on me.. from me…. I was so in shock that I left.. I didn’t understand why there was so much blood.
The next week I hardly could walk… It hurt so much..

Was it rape?

I keep blaming myself because I think I asked for it.. Asked for it with my clothes.. Asked for it by drinking too much.. Asked for it by going to his room..

But when i told a friend she immediately was angry with him. and ordered me to confront him. But I couldn’t.. I couldn’t, I still can’t..
Now I still have nightmares.. I hate sex.. I hate men..

Was it rape?