We sat in the car with his family. I was in the backseat with him and his cousin. “Can I touch you?” He asked. I rejected and told him I was tired and to not bother me. I was also aware that we were in the car and it wouldn’t be a good idea at all.
I told him once that I was upset because we went farther than I had wanted and that he went to fast for me to be able to communicate my needs.
I don't know how to explain very well but I just feel like I wasn't me. I don't have any clear memories from that time. I ran away a week after that. I ran with a boy I went to a alternative school with almost 2 hours away. His mom & stepdad smoked k2 with us.
He then told me that most of my facial features were that of a girl and men here would love that. I punched him but then he punched me back in my stomach so hard that I've got this purple bruise which hurts even when i twitch a muscle. I blacked out at that point and he juat took of my shorts and then assaulted me for what seemed like hours.
At school he would grab my butt, he would say things into my ear to get to me, one time he slammed me into the bathroom wall and punched me in the face. I went back a couple months later. We were fine until he forced himself on me again this happened 3 more times before I told the police.
Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can’t verbalize a succinct “NO” to this short skinny mature pervert…
Basically, since I lost my virginity, despite being raped, and was unable to wed my first rapist (he was my father after all),so I deserved death. Since I was unable to scream when it was happening, it didn't count as rape, so I was a whore who deserved death.
I lived happy with my new family for a year until my moms boyfriends brother [E] began to greet me with kisses in the mouth . At first I thought it was an accident but I knew it was wrong.
Next thing I know my social worker showed up at my school and took me to the foster home and told me to pack all my stuff because I was being placed somewhere different I asked her why and she said somebody had told her I had gotten raped.
You see, this evening should have been simple, however, it was nothing of the sorts. It turned out to be a horror story and an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Fast forward to me on the ground…him taking my clothes off…me expressing how he could. Not. Go. Inside. Of. Me. Him stating that he didn’t think he would get another chance after that night. Me saying no. Him holding my arms down. Me saying stop. Him telling me that I was almost 30 and I should have done this by now. Me…disappearing. Him not finishing and getting off of me. Him asking me to finish him off. Me sitting on the ground in the corner trying to figure out how to leave. Me asking him to walk me to my car. Me…driving home, wondering what happened.
I was a young mother with two very small children. He was the first doctor that seemed interested in trying to help me. The second time I saw him, he had me undress to examine me. One minute he was listening to my lungs, the next, his bare fingers were in my vagina. Now that I have typed that last sentence, I actually feel physically ill.
My biggest fear for over 40 years was that I would not be heard or believed, that I would be somehow guilty by association. I knew it could destroy families if people knew what had happened and so I continued to disregard my own needs.
Thats when he pulled out the gun. He put it up against my head and told me that if i didnt stop fighting him then he would pull the trigger. And I believed him so i stopped.. I stopped fighting and at that moment my life had changed forever. I felt empty.. numb.. after he was finished with me her threw me back into my room on the bed. I laid there naked and exposed. I was 9.. nine years old. Couldn't cry.. couldn't be mad. I didnt know what to feel. I couldnt feel.
To this day, I resent being born into my family. I still see my sister from time to time, and looking at her still scares me. It hurts knowing I don't love my family. I look at my mother and hate her. It hurts knowing she could have helped me, and chose not to.
Clothes were taken off and kisses were exchanged as we moved to her bed. Once naked, I realized it was too much for me and told her I wanted to stop and sleep. She initially agreed but soon resumed her touching and groping.
I will learn to love myself again. I will learn to accept my flaws. I will meet new friends and learn to trust again. I will find love. I will find someone who gives me the respect I deserve.
I began to panic that I wasn't going to get out. He wasn't going to let me leave. I asked if I could go to the toilet. I had the crazy idea that I would just run. But he came with me. He sat outside the toilet door. I started to cry in the toilet. There was literally no escape. I didn't even have my shoes. He started banging on the door and told me to hurry up. When I opened the door, he walked me back to his bedroom.
In sixth grade, I was walking to my desk, right in front of a teacher, and a guy slapped my ass and called me his bitch. The teacher looked away and pretended she never saw. I asked her why she didn't do anything, and she said "boys will be boys".
I asked him what it was and he just explained it was some kinky stuff he bought. He blind folded me and tied my arms. I admit I was into it until he started yelling out these racial slurs… and after that he penetrated me. I still kinda liked it.
But all of a sudden he shoved his penis in my anis and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was trying to get him to stop and push him off me but my arms were tied and he was way stronger than I thought he was. I just pretty much laid there and waited for him to be finished. That was the most agonizing and excruciating pain I ever felt in my life and it seemed like it lasted forever.
I have always felt guilty for not telling a teacher earlier and I have felt responsible for the girls beside me being exposed to this. One of the girls attempted suicide a year after and I keep telling myself I am the reason.
Here's what I remember: He completely undressed me and pushed me up against the washer/dryer and then onto the floor. It literally felt like I was having an out of body/mind experience. The only things I can remember saying were "Do you think (his girlfriend's name) would be okay with this?" He said "probably not" and kept going. I remember watching him spit onto his hands because I was too dry. At some point, I said "If this is going to happen, then she needs to be here" and pushed him off. I put my clothes back on and stumbled back upstairs. I said this wanting to escape, and knowing that I would never want to do anything with both of them. I did NOT want this to happen at all.
I kept telling him to please get off and that's when he pulled my hair and dragged me to the edge of my bed. I kept saying no no no and no over again but I guess he was hard of hearing that day. I was frightened but I still managed to break my arm free of his grip.
I remember when my mama boyfrend told me to cumb his hair and while i was cumbing hair he put his finger up my dress up into the leg of my panies and he touch me i was pairalized untill he stop and then i ran. and there are maney more thank you.
slipped and fell to the ground. He raped me. The next morning I asked and he teased me. He tormented for years with name calling and abusive behavior.
2017 has been a rollercoaster of a year with so many disturbing events have unfolded resulting in amazing events occurring. One could not happen without the other. I have so many topics to discuss but I shall start from the
Eventually he asked for sex. I said no. He kept trying to convince me. I said no. He gave up and went back to kissing. Later i got ready to go to bed and put on a pair of shorts. He kept touching my ass and fooling around but I kept saying no sex. I felt a sharp pain inside me and i cried out. He had forced himself inside me.
I walked home tonight. Alone and late. I know I know what an incredibly irresponsible thing to do. Then the anger the rage of my fear, my politeness, and my rape bubbled that shit would not be contained. Walked for over a mile grunting and yelling and realizing that shit that had been deposited in my soul.