I am 14 now, and i have severve PTSD, i can hardly sleep at night and im disgusted with myself. I'm constantly terrified he'll come back, he knows where I live, and hes a family member. My mother trusts him more than my older brother and would make me go places with him if he came back
If I'm entirely honest, it started on a field trip. We were friends, I suppose. I'll refer to her as "friend" for convenience sake. I only ever had one friend before that, I was a bit of a loner, but I loathed, and still loathe, being alone. So I went everywhere with this friend and then she started telling me things like: "You'd be so sexy if you were a guy" and "If you take off those glasses you'd look stunning".
I was still healing, I couldn't accept that this person I had trusted, had leaned on, had betrayed me. I couldn't cope with it at the time. So i never said anything and we continued being friends for months after that.
The most important thing I have learned is that sex doesn’t need to be scary or forced or painful or hurtful or upsetting, and those are the only words I could have used to describe it when I was with A. I want other women to know that someone being your boyfriend does not give them a free pass to do whatever they want. It might seem like an obvious thing to lots of people, but I think when you’re in the middle of something like that, it feels very complicated.
I felt the most terrible way in the world he kept ignoring my pleas and I had to bear the pain and soon I passed out, i had panic attack, depression and mostly i was traumatized that part of my life is damaged.
Then, while I was dancing with my back turned toward the male student, he reached around me without warning and put his hand down the front of my pants and inside my underwear. I immediately pushed his arm away to get his hand out of my pants and continued dancing as if nothing was wrong. I was so embarrassed but felt utterly dirty and helpless.
Its just really hard and I can't belive I'm actually writing about it. Every time after it happened I would feel ashamed I hated myself for what I was forced to so and could never look at myself the same way. I lost all my innocence.
If I was placed in a room with him, I wouldn't be scared. I can deal with him, I can put up with him. The thing that would scare me, would be myself. I don't think that I could sit there, while he is blissfully unaware of the immense pain he has released inside me, like a drug, however with the opposite effect; a drug that hasn't left my body since that night.
For a whole year thereafter, I beat myself up over my stupidity for allowing our relationship to escalate that night in New York. The depression and anxiety from that experience followed me around like a dark shadow. Eventually, I began to realize that I had done nothing wrong. I didn't mislead him; he didn't care about what I was saying or doing. I didn't allow it; I felt threatened having a man nearly twice my body weight on top of me. Most importantly, I never consented.
Then, his cousin would tell him what else to do to me. I've always wondered if his cousin abused him. It went on for about two years. I always thought that if I told anyone, people would believe him because he was younger.
That night my father taught me how you can die.. He took away everything I had.. I was 7 and since then he never stopped. Now I'm 20.. My mom left me when I was little, I don't even remember her…
12years later,i cry. I cry for 12 year old me,she deserved better,she did not deserve what happened to her. I marvel at how strong that 12year old girl was,how beautiful she was,how beautiful she still is & i hope that one day,she finds healing.