M’s Story: 16 Times

I have been sexually assaulted 16 times. 11 of those are rapes. It started when I was two. The last time I was 23.
3 of those times were by immediate family members, people I loved and relied on to love, protect and take care of me: My father, when I was two, four and 9, my uncle, when I was 4 my brother, when I was 9.
2 of them by people I loved and trusted who were not family: a boyfriend at 23, for two years, and my father’s friend at 6, for 3 years.
4 of those times while I was drunk, by strangers at from 14 years old to 21.
2 of those 4, gang rapes, when I was 19 and 21.
and the 2 of the 11 left by distant family members, third cousin, and third uncle, when I was 19.
And the remaining 5 by friends, boyfriends, strangers….

I am sitting here, and a perpetrator is being inaugurated into the presidency, in the United States. I can not function today. I needed to tell my story somewhere because starting last night I kept waking up with these numbers repeating over and over again, my own thoughts and my own story jolting me throughout the night. And today, a day where I can not move. I am frozen.

I am engaged and there is verbal abuse in the relationship, from both ends: we are both trauma survivors, going to couples counseling… but I am afraid today. Afraid of my past, afraid of my fiance, afraid of our patterns, afraid of my delicate state….

Thank you for listening. I guess no matter how many times I share my story, its never healed…but every time i share it heals a little more…