«

»

Jul 10

Zeena’s Story: I’m Still Struggling

When I was ten, I used to love my uncle a lot. He was my favourite uncle because he’d always take us out and was very nice and fun. It was summer, a couple days after my little brothers birthday when it happened. But that summer when he came to visit us, I was sort of scared of him cause he would touch me and try to kiss me and take off my clothes. I didn’t tell anyone about the stuff he’d do because I didn’t understand what he wanted or why he was doing it but I was trying to stay away from him. And on my brothers birthday, my mom told me to go with him to buy the cake and presents for him. I didn’t want to but I went anyways and he was telling me I could buy whatever I wanted for my brother and I was happy. I thought he stopped whatever it was he was trying to do. The day after my brothers birthday, he accidentally broke the toy car I got him so I went to the basement to go and try to fix it for him before my mom saw. A couple seconds after I was in the basement I heard my uncle coming downstairs. His bed was in the basement and I was sitting on it when he came. He came to me and pushed me onto my back. I tried to sit up but he held my down. His hands went to my jeans zipper and he pulled it down. I was trying to push him off of me but he was too big. I didn’t scream or cry for help, instead I started crying cause I knew I couldn’t stop it. I kept on smacking on his chest to get him off of me and my jeans were already halfway down my legs and my shirt was shoved up. I was so scared and I couldn’t do anything. I tried to push him off of me again but he was so heavy and big. I kept on kicking and fighting but he didn’t stop and I was praying that someone would come and stop him cause my whole family was upstairs and oblivious to everything happening downstairs. After he took off my underwear, he looked at me and stopped before moving away. I felt so exposed and disgusted at myself and I got up and tried to pull up my pants and get away from him. He came close and started apologizing and I started crying harder and to told to him to leave me alone. I quickly ran upstairs and my mom was in the kitchen and my siblings were all in the living room watching tv and playing together. I ran to the washroom and took a bath before going to bed. The day before he left back to America he tried to give me twenty bucks to not tell anyone anything. I cried myself to sleep and never told anyone what happened. I started to blame myself and was so confused noises about what happened. I would question myself and wonder why he would want to rape an ugly fat girl like me. I was bullied at my school for being overweight and Muslim. I was scared that no one would believe or care if I told them or that they’d separate me from my family and talk shit about my religion or assume everyone in my religion does that. A couple months later, I was wondering if this ever happened to anyone before me in my family or something. So I asked my 3 little sisters if anyone tried to make them do anything they didn’t want to do. And my sister told me that my brother would force her to give him oral sex. I was so shocked because she was only six years old and he was 14. And she didn’t tell anyone too. The both of us never told anyone anything. Two years later, we moved to Egypt. And my life only became worse. There are no laws in this country and you can basically do everything you want. My dad started abusing my mom both physically and emotionally and my little sister asked me to tell my older sisters what happened cause she was scared. So I told them but I asked them not to tell my dad. They ended up telling him and my parents took my brother out of the house and to the villa to confront him and he admitted saying he only did it once. My mom was in tears and wouldn’t stop crying. And my dad told him that he’d stay in the villa by his self. And he didn’t do anything other than that. My dad didn’t see what he did as a bad thing and I was so mad. He brought him back after a month and he got to still live with us even after they found out. Then he started blaming me for not saying anything and keeping quiet. They didn’t understand that I was afraid that they wouldn’t care or wouldn’t believe us and that I wanted my little sister to still hope that they would care. But now that my dad knows and doesn’t care I regret saying anything. And that’s why until this day I don’t believe or trust anyone and haven’t told anyone. Usually I compare my self to other people and their situations and realize that mines is not that bad and it could’ve been worse. Right now I’m a 14 year old Muslim girl who weighs 80 kg dealing with anxiety and depression. That’s beaten by her dad and was almost raped by her uncle. Wishes she could be a normal teenager with a normal family and a normal life. Who also cries herself to sleep and cuts herself hoping to die someday soon. I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t here right now. To all other rape victims or abuse victims or any victims, I feel you and understand your pain maybe not all of it but I can relate. Hopefully all of the toxic people onthis world disappear and we girls, boys, men and women can all live happy lives and make this world the way it’s supposed to be. I thought I’ve lost all hope but I realize that if we all give up we won’t get our lives back nothing will be better than before. So please help us take a stand and help all other victims suffering with us.

I’m Zeena Rashid and this is my story.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Permanent link to this article: http://whenyoureready.org/zeenas-story-im-still-struggling/