Violet’s Story: Fragments

Violet’s Story: Fragments

I can only remember fragments of what and how it happened. I was around 9 years old at the time. It was the guy I liked at the time. Just for giggles, we’d kiss in the bushes behind our school playground. And then I have a hard time remembering how things happened. I just remember that there were two other guys watching the whole thing. They knew what was going on. I remember he told me to take off my jeans. I was confused but I did it anyways, but only a little bit. And he pulled them down further so it exposed me, I remember feeling embarrassed since hair had just started to grow down there. Next thing I knew, he wasn’t wearing his and he was thrusting. I couldn’t feel anything in that moment. I just moved because he moved against me. I don’t remember pain. Or how long it went for. Next thing I remember is when he was done and I was walking to the bathroom to fix my underwear that wasn’t put on correctly. I don’t remember the rest of that day, or what I did the next day. I just know he had ignored me the rest of the time. It didn’t click that I had been raped until I was in Middle School, where I had a hard time coping alone with it. Self-harm manifested itself then. I had done it once before, nothing big or life threatening, just enough to carve his initial onto my hand. The scar is still there. I started to make it a habit. However, I never did marks enough that were noticeable. I was a loner, the weirdo of the class. I never felt right. Like something was off. It was until other guys starting touching me that I realized why. Guys thought it was funny to touch me or stroke me. And then it started happening again. Guys I liked in middle school, or even went out with, would do things to me and I wouldn’t think twice about it. I didn’t have sex again until I was 18 though. I realized what rape was until I started reading, and had sex ed class. Took me a long time to get used to the idea. I remember being called into the counselor’s office because I had started crying in class (I cry about everything now and it’s hard to keep my emotions in check) and I lied. I lied so easily it was a little scary. She specifically asked me if I was harming myself, and I said no, even though the scars were there. I still struggle with self-harm (tiny little cuts) and have major trust issues. I’ve been doing better but sometimes the urge is so strong (usually when I’m upset or sad) that I can’t help doing it. Thanks to my current bf, I’ve been able to face some of my demons, but sometimes get triggered in the middle of sex. I’ve literally stopped in the middle of it. I like it a bit rough and there’s a very thin line between that and my trigger. It’s like having a mini panic attack, I freak out and make him stop. It hasn’t happened in a while so I feel comfortable sharing this. I’ve come a long way but I still struggle with my trust issues. So I thought sharing my story and the aftermath of it would help me get better. Thank you so much for reading this. It really has helped, but even then, my hands are sweating while I type. It’s just another step to recovery I guess.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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