Anonymous Story: I thought it was normal

Anonymous Story: I thought it was normal

Growing up a Girl in a City, it pains me to say I am not the only one of my friends who has been Raped. It’s a surprisingly common occurrence, one that shouldn’t be but thats not for me to choose. Most of my friends were older when it happened, they knew it was rape when it was taking place. I did not for the simple fact I was 9 years old when it first happened.

There wasn’t many children in my neighbourhood, and I was the only girl around my age. My main friend lived across the ally from my house and he had two older brothers, one three years older and one six years older then both of us. We played cops and robbers and watched scary movies in his basement that my mom wouldn’t allow me to, it was good friendship. Little did I know his eldest brother was watching my every move. Like every nine year old I was short, flat chested and generally annoying, but that seemed to captivate him.

It started out small, him touching my chest or grabbing my inner thigh when sitting by me on the couch. We would play these games where we would hide under blankets and he always seemed to find me no matter where I was hiding. He would slip a hand under my pants and into my panties. He never penetrated me and I am thankful of that matter, but he still touched me in ways no 9 year old should be.

Eventually he started asking for sexual favours and I would, around a year had gone by at this point and I was still oblivious as to what was happening, that my innocence was slowly being robbed of me without my knowledge. I started to not enjoy this anymore, anytime I would be over he would touch me and ask for things and I didn’t care for it anymore. I thought to myself “if this is what adults do in relationships then I never want to be one”

He never took my No’s as No’s. He would persuade and goad me, even make threats and when I threatened to tell he would apologize and back off. He knew what he was doing was wrong yet he still continued. Eventually I stopped going over to his house, told him I wouldn’t do anything more and if he did I would tell my mom. Mercifully he stopped and never really brought it up again, he did sometimes try and broach the subject but I shot him down immediately. I was almost 12 when this happened. For two years my friends older brother sexually abused me.

I didn’t realize it was abuse till I tuned 14 when we brought up the topic of Rape in Sex Ed, a mediocre class that barely brushed on the subject other then it meant one of the parties didn’t want to have sex, but it happened anyway. Nothing more was talked about but my interest was piqued and I did my own research, Thats when I found out what happened to me on more then one occasion was Rape. And it broke me completely.

I am currently 16 years old, the age my friends brother was when this all started. For me to look at 10 years olds and think what my rapist saw in my makes me physically sick, so sexualize a child like that. There were instances where i said yes, but I was too young to grasp the idea of what was happening. I thought it was what a boy an a girl did to each other and that he liked me. I felt wanted and back then it felt like acceptance, now it makes me feel dirty and used.

To this day I cannot think of having sex with a partner. My friends are going out and loosing their virginities and my mind immediately wanders to the worst case scenarios. Will he stop if I say No? Will he try an goad me into sexual favours? Will he take advantage of me like all those years ago.

I do not know what happened to my Rapist. His family moved away and never have I wanted to pursue any connection with him. Some days I want to scream in his face, ask how in the hell he could do that to me but I will not give him the satisfaction.

I don’t think i’ll ever tell my parents, they thought my childhood was filled with giggles and memories of playing hockey in the street’s till the streetlights went on. I will let them keep that vision of that child, maybe one day i’ll tell them, but for now I am content. My friends support me, my grades are good and my life is in a decent place.

If there was one thing I could tell my Rapsit it would be this ” You may have fucked me up good, but I know I will never sink as low as you did by doing what you did to me. I will never be a Monster.”

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Related