Tay’s Story: A letter to you

Tay’s Story: A letter to you

I lay there. I can hear my heart beating and my head is spinning. I can hear the sounds of bugs and frogs, trees around me. The world is alive and my skin tis crawling. We were laying on pokemon sheets. The irony is to real. My childhood beneath me as I lay next to a you, boy four years older than me. My mind is hazy the drugs in my system are blurring it all. You lay next to me your body to close to mine for comfort. I don’t feel too well. Not like i’m actually going to puke or be sick. I just feel ill. A lesson to be learned drinking and smoking don’t mix. My lungs and throat still burn. I can feel the wrath of the smoke still in my throat. I just want to sleep but my heart won’t stop pounding so I lie there listening to his breathing trying to calm my mind and body so i can just go to bed and let this night be over. This night that i can already tell is taking a turn for the worst. If i had know what was to come would have changed my mind down in that pasture. But you had other ideas. You told me “come on there are no kids in my cabin you don’t wanna sleep here she snoring.” I’m lying on my side staring out at the tent opening when I feel your arm snake around my waist and I feel your scruff on my face against, my neck. Kissing my neck, your lips are warm but they are unwanted. your scruffy face feels like sandpaper it burns almost and to this day i can still feel in against my skin if i close my eyes and think hard enough. For a couple minutes I try and act like Im asleep I think “if I’m asleep you’ll stop. If I sleep you’ll stop,” “I don’t want this I don’t want you on me I want be somewhere else. All i want to do is sleep.” I realize you’re not gonna stop you wants something. you wants me. your kissing my neck my face. I give in. “maybe if I just kiss you a little it can be over.” I roll over and face you i let you kiss me. I’m still dizzy and it’s all kind of blurry i’m just letting him do as he wishes as a lay there. I feel as though i have no control my body is no longer listening to me. Im half asleep and you move your hands places i don’t want them. I keep thinking I just want sleep. But what else was I gonna do. Why was I so naive to think that we would just sleep. I should have just gotten in [R]’s tent despite her loud snores it would have been better. I keep telling myself over and over again i made the wrong decision. I want it to stop that’s all I want but it won’t. I kiss you back and my face hurts his beard is so sharp. you smelled like marijuana and gin and you hands began to move under my shirt under my sports bra. The rough hands from chopping wood and working all summer. You continued for what felt like hours to me but was probably minutes till finally sleep overcame you. I lay there cold but hot at the same time you still laying next to me breathing. My body is still tingling and my mind is spinning around and around. The sounds of frogs is so loud and vivid i can barely hear my own thoughts. Finally i get up and crawl out of the bunk and walk out side the platform tent i breath in air that feels to fresh like i’ve never breathed air before. But you’re still in the back my mind and my body still feels violated. But it was your fault in never said no. And no would have changed everything. If i had said no at the beginning i would be sleeping with [R] in that nice orange tent down in the pasture. If i had said no i never would have been lying on those pokemon sheets with my childhood lying beneath me and my future in front of me. Drugs in my head alcohol in my brain and the sound of frogs ringing and ringing in my ear till is sounds continuous as my innocents melted away. So i don’t blame you I blame myself. I blame myself for letting you touch my body for letting you lead me back to a tent that I once stayed in as a camper. That i once stayed in as a ten year old little girl so excited for the day when she has her first kiss and excited for when she starts high school. Excited for the world to see who she really is. Once again the irony of how your childhood surrounds you as you lose your innocence to an 18 year old and all you can think is no I want you to stop i just want to sleep but you can’t. Why didn’t i say no to you? A question i don’t think i’ll ever be able to understand. Maybe it’s cause you were an older boy and i just wanted to seem cool maybe it’s because i liked hanging out with you and your friends. But most likely it was all of these reasons and so many more reasons that i can’t comprehend because they are lost in the smoke of that night and it all could have been changed by two letters . No.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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