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Dec 03

Sarah: The girl who said NOthing!

I was a sophomore in Highschool and he was the cute exchange hockey student from Washington state. I’ve always enjoyed watching hockey with my dad, our favorite team was the penguins. Let’s call the cute exchange hockey student “Pat”. He was a very good hockey player, and since I enjoyed the sport of course I thought I would enjoy the boy.

Friday afternoon around 4:00 he cameover in his host dads truck.. and parked 2 houses down from mine just in case my neighbors thought the truck looked suspicious in my driveway and called my mom. I opened the front door and I thought this day would be a fun, maybe we would watch the office or hang out for a bit And then go get food at chipotle or something.

We watched tv for a bit in my living room but the tv froze downstairs and I said we could just watch the rest of the show In my bedroom. Not even thinking any thoughts about bedroom things. I never thought my life would change forever just Bc I wanted to finish S3 episode 7 of the office. After we got settled in my room he told me that I look very pretty but I would be even prettier if I took off my shirt . I probably laughter giggled a little bit because honestly it was a little flattering hearing that but I remember replying with “I don’t have big boobs so i wouldn’t look good shirtless.” He said I bet you look fine and then kissed me.

I could feel some sort of negative energy in my room and I should’ve just trusted my instincts but I just let it happen because after all it was just a complement and a kiss . I went downstairs to get something to drink because I felt uncomfortable and I wanted to just clear my mind for a little bit. When I got back upstairs he was looking in the mirror fixing his hair and I set the drinks down on my nightstand. I sat back down on the bed and he moved away from the mirror And got on top of me.

I kept telling him to please get off and that’s when he pulled my hair and dragged me to the edge of my bed. I kept saying no no no and no over again but I guess he was hard of hearing that day. I was frightened but I still managed to break my arm free of his grip. I try to turn around and push them off me but he grabbed my free hand and then pressed my arm harder into my back. He whispered in my ear that it would be okay if just shut up, I kept saying no but that’s when he twisted my arm around till I yelped.

He told me “Shut the fuck up, I don’t want to have to hurt you”. I was too afraid to say no again. I slowly zoned my mind out of the situation somehow. What seemed like endless hours was only 20 minutes. I got up from the bed sore and crying but without sound, just tears rolling down my face and a blank stare. I went to pull my pants up so I wasn’t exposed to him anymore he stopped me, grabbed my sore arm and kissed me on the lips and said. “Thanks for that, it was a nice time” before he left my friend who was coming over walked into my room, I must’ve come out of my shell and broken myself out of my mind.

He looked at her kinda surprised and she said “hey “pat”” she smiles at me becaus she thought we had just hooked up since my hair was a mess. He put his arm around me and kissed me again and I didn’t want her to know what had just happens or for her to be suspicious so I kissed him back. After he left, I kept it in for a bit but I started to break down right in front of her.

How could I kiss him back? How could I have let myself in that bad situation. Why is it to this day I blame myself, and not him. I replay this event over in my head a few times a week. I didn’t have sex with my wonderful boyfriend until we were dating for 9 months, he knows what happens but I only told him in the 4th month we were together. He hates the guy, and talks about killing him.

I don’t have anger towards him, I have anger toward myself. Why don’t I blame him? I’m the victim, but I let myself become one. I’m the one who thinks about it everyday and he doesn’t even think twice about it. Why is it fair for him to have sex without sobbing and wanting to kill himself. Sometimes sex is not as bad emotionally but sometimes I’m just completely grossed out by anything sexual. It’s not fair to my boyfriend either, all he has ever done is support and love me.

Because of “pat” I’m shattered, I’m broken and others are suffering because of him, or is it because of me….. why, why me.

I said no, but I’ve also said nothing. I blame myself. I somehow can’t shake the thought of this being my fault. I don’t know if I can even call myself a victims when I think I did this to myself.

My mouth said No, but I still chose to say nothing.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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