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Sep 17

Paige’s Story: The Second Time

It’s a little ironic, I’m angry and upset that my boyfriend is trying to pressure me to have sex so I go to my happy place. I’m not ready to go home and everyone is out anyway. I’ve been coming here since I was a kid, its secluded enough that people rarely bother you but close enough to the houses that if a snake were to bite me I could manage to get help. It’s the perfect spot to draw, to write or to read. Or not. There are three boys there. I went to school with the oldest one, let’s call him cold eyes. I’ve never met the other two. One of them is holding the smallest boy while cold eyes hits him, over and over. I realise I’m staring so I yell at cold eyes to stop. “What are you doing?” Cold eyes looks at me. Notices the red rimmed eyes and the tears. He comes towards me, it’s not far, maybe three metres away. “Are you ok Paige?” Why do you ask that when you’re going to make everything worse? Why pretend to care? I don’t notice his friend shove the kid to the ground. I don’t see him walk behind me. I just feel his arms wrap around me. His body warm on my back. He is tall. Cold eyes pulls out his switch blade. The other kid, the weaker boy, looks terrified but doesn’t move to stop him as he walks closer. He is in my face, whispering softly, calmly. “We are going to have some fun.” The tall boy lets me go and shoves me to the ground before he yells at the weak kid to come help him. I hit my head hard. I know what’s going to happen. Im not going to be able to stop it. I look across the creek and I see the electric fence protecting the sheep. Where is my electric fence? There is a rock under me. It’s digging in to my spine. I focus on the pain as tall boy pulls down my school shorts. “Power puff girls. I’ll show your puff some power.” Cold eyes tell him to “test it out”. He grabs a stick. My undies are pushed to the side and he shoves it inside me. Tall boy told weak boy to get some more. Weak boy doesn’t want to be there. He vomits. Cold eyes punches him in the face and I see the blood. I can still feel the rock. It helps. Tall boy asks how many they think he can fit. I didn’t bother counting. Cold eyes, “Don’t ruin her!” Don’t they know I’m already ruined? Cold eyes tells weak boy to stay there and watch. He comes over and grabs my arms, holding them above my head. Why? I havent struggled. What’s the point? Tall guy climbs on top of me. In me. His weight is crushing. I close my eyes and focus on the pain in my back. I’m not here. Cold eyes starts to tickle me. I can’t help it. I laugh. He punches me. He tickles me and I wriggle to try to get away. “That feels good”. He finishes inside of me, my undies still pushed to the side. “Your turn”. Weak kids up. He says no, “I don’t want to”. I don’t want you to either. Cold eyes still has my arms. Tall kid punches him in the gut this time. “You have to. We all get a turn”. He is staring at me. There are tears in his eyes as he walks over. He is gentle. His breath warm in my ear as he whispers sorry. Cold eyes stood up. No one is holding me. I move my hand slightly. The sticks are next to me. One is big enough to hurt him. Cold eyes notices the movement and steps on my hand. The weak kid didn’t finish, cold eyes pushed him off. His blade is back out. Tall guy is sitting on my chest. I can’t see what they’re doing. “Be very still. You don’t want your power puff girls to bleed”. I stop listening. I don’t move. I can feel the rock. The guy on my chest shuffles up my chest. He pulls his pants down shoves his arsehole over my mouth. Lick me or I’ll shove it in hard. Cold eyes is holding the blade inside me. It’s not big but he pushes it around. It hurts. I can feel the grazes from the sticks. He pulls the blade in and out slowly. He isn’t trying to hurt me. Tall guy tells me to hurry up and holds my nose shut. I know what to do. Cold eyes is running the blade along the inside of my thigh. I can’t breathe. I try to push them off me. My thigh is stinging and warm. “Get off. My turn”. He does. Cold eyes lays on his back. “Get on”. I do. He is sweaty. His shirt is still on, his pants around his knees. His shirt buttons are itching. Someone takes of my underwear. Cold eyes is inside of me. Bigger than his friends. It hurts. Everything hurts. The rock is gone. I can’t focus on anything else as he pulls me down onto him. Tall guy climbs on top of me and bends me over. I try to get away but I cant. The weak kid comes over. He is trying to hold my legs apart to keep me still. Tall guy is still working at it. He uses his finger to get me ready for him. Then two. Its too hot. I’m sticky and sweaty. I can still see the sheep across the water. Someone hits me. Help me bitch. He pulls me off cold eyes to get himself inside. It hurts. I’m crying. I’m bleeding. He is holding onto my breasts through my singlet. He is in. Cold eyes pulls me back towards him. I’m numb. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not fighting them. Weak boy let’s me go. He walked past me as he left the creek bed. I stared at him. Our eyes met and they were both filled with tears. Do you regret it? They’re still moving inside of me as he leaves. Tall guy takes longer this time. Cold eyes is finished. I can feel him. He kisses my mouth. My neck. “Thanks babe.”

I’m at home. In the shower. It’s scalding but I’m numb. I watch the blood run. They’re marks mingling with my own. How did I get home? How long have I been in the shower? Mums home. I’m sick. I go to bed early but I don’t sleep.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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