Nikki’s Story: It’s What You Wanted

Nikki’s Story: It’s What You Wanted

Ive always been one to fall to hard and too fast for a guy, when i care about someone i care deeply even when i see the red flags. That’s the funny part about life though, sometimes you see the red flags and you run towards them but it’s almost as if you have no control over your legs as you run. He walked into my life out of nowhere, he was handsome, charming, funny. He knew all the right words to say, all of the right compliments to give. He went to my church so no part of me knew what was bound to happen, never would it have crossed my mind. Me and him were close, we were good friends and he knew i had liked him. One day we were at church and he wanted to go outside and play basketball, i didnt think much of it until he came back and said he wasnt going without me. I figured why not we were just friends right? Then he started making sexual comments toward me. And wouldnt stop, i told him i wasnt listening as he walked toward me and asked for a hug, seems harmless right ? I felt a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and i turned into a side hug and he wrapped his arms around me and wouldnt let me go for a few minutes and when he did finally let go he laughed it off. I remember feeling very uncomfortable but there was still something about that charm and that smile that had me decieved. I confronted him about what he was trying to pull and he had admitted he was going to try and kiss me without my permission. I told him i wasn’t a piece of meat as he responded “i dont think youre a piece of meat but you might be juicy and delicious” i was disgusted. Yet for some reason i still remained friends with him and stayed close. One night i ended up texting with him inappropriately talking about how i would like him to take control and how i did like a little bit of choking every now and then, yes it’s embarrassing to admit that i said that, but then maybe you’ll understand why i blame myself for the events that took place. How easy it is to blame yourself for somebody elses actions. We had went somewhere and wound up in the same place and he had asked me for a ride home, i was mad at him because i found out he was talking to multiple girls all while trying to hold my hand and tell me he loved me because he knew he had me hooked. We were basically dating without dating. We texted 24/7. And hung out, my emotions were invested. I told him i would take him home….we ended up taking a detour in my car and started making out, we had made out a couple of time before so i didnt think much of it. We started kissing and he asked me to perform oral sex and i told him no i didnt want to, he asked me why not and i told him i didnt feel like it. He countinued to kiss me and ask me again and i said no thank you. He proceeded by saying he would climb on top of me and put his penis in my mouth and that it would be “hot” and i said no i dont want to. He then told me i didnt have a say so and that i should remember what i had sexted him. He then started aggressively kissing me and got on top of me and pushed hand on my throat, i blamed myself because i did say i enjoyed a little bit of choking, but then fear started to set in as he didnt move him hand and pressed harder, i started to say something and he told me “shhh, dont speak” and i was frozen. Most people would say i should have punched him or something but i was in shock. This was a guy i trusted and was close too….i layed there looking put the window my mind running a hundred miles an hour thinking to myself what the hell is happening. I was scared…he began to crawl up my body trying to put his dick in my mouth i told him no again and finally shoved him off of me…i laid there quietly….and he told me we didnt have all night. I turned to him and told him “im trying to debate if that was actually quite scary” and all he could do was laugh and say “it’s what you wanted”

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact no i hadnt been raped, but yes i had been sexually assaulted.NO means NO. But apparently sometimes no means something different to a guy who thinks you owe him something. I blamed myself for the longest, if only i hadnt told him those things, if only i had listened to myself when i saw the red flags. Why did i still kiss him even after being assaulted? Maybe it’s because sometimes you think to yourself the people you love and trust arent capable of something like that, but the scary thing is sometimes it’s those peope who are capable of it the most. Ive finally been able to come to terms with the fact it wasnt my fault. I did not have control of his actions. I did not make him choose not to listen. I forgive him….but I’ll never forget feeling so empty on that drive home….you dont really understand sexual assault until it happens to you….#metoo

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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