Name’s story: I don’t know what happened to me

Name’s story: I don’t know what happened to me

It’s been quite a while, since this incident.. these incidents happened.

I have been in a relationship with a guy about two years ago. To that time I was 15, now I am 17. At the beginning of it, we had quite a lot of sex, I don’t even know why.

But with the time, my desire in sexual interaction got less and less, maybe because of the contraception pill, maybe because him having a sadist / masochist kink with me as the submissive one.

I don’t remember every detail, but sadly much enough. It should have happened around February / March / April 2017.

One night, where he was at my house, he tried to have sex with me but I denied. I denied multiple times, pushed his hands away and tried to get him away from me. He followed but got mad at me, ignored me for multiple hours and then left without saying a word. He left me crying for hours.

Since then, this happened more often when I said “no” to sex until the point, where I forced myself to give my body to him since I was his girlfriend. He used the Bible to tell me I was obligated to sleep with him (knowing I don’t believe in god at all), saying I wouldn’t love him if I wouldn’t do it (but I absolutely did) and in an argument telling me, I shouldn’t wonder if one day he cheats on me.

I forced myself to have sex with him. I didn’t want to make him angry or disappointed, I didn’t want to have a fight again, I just wanted it to be over. So I laid there and let him do it.

I didn’t even remember this until about October / November 2017. It suddenly popped up in my mind again. I remember how he just stuck himself into me, how he left me without a word, how I cried on his bed, how I wiped them away because I didn’t want him to see them (fear probably?) and how he came back, laid himself next to me and we continued watching tv.

The car ride home was horrible. I felt uncomfortable as hell and my lower body parts didn’t even feel like they were mine anymore.

It happened multiple times, I forced myself more often to do it for him.

Our relationship was kind of toxic and maybe abusive if I look at other things that happened.

But this incident.. these incidents.. i really don’t know what happened to me. Was it sexual abuse? Or even.. rape? I don’t think so because I said “alright then do it” but I didn’t want the sex, I just didn’t want to upset him.. what was that? Some people told me it counts as rape, others said it wasn’t even abuse and now I’m concerned.

Also…
I haven’t talked about this with my parents… can anyone give me advice how to do that?

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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