I was 12 years old when I became “the victim” of the unspeakable and life has never been the same for me and it never will. I can’t tell you honestly how many times I was sexually assaulted as a child because I’ve hidden from the memories for so long by the age of 14 I could no longer cope so I turned to drugs, alcohol and anything else I could find to make me feel better if even for a moment. Maybe that’s why I can remember only bits and pieces of those years.
I tried to report the abuse and where did it get me? Locked up in a mental hospital because they had everyone convinced I was crazy and making up stories to get attention. So I abandoned the “honesty” plan real quick, told everyone what they needed to hear and got released. The abuse stopped for awhile after that but it slowly started again, it continued until at the age of 18 I ran away. Just me, my backpack full of whatever I could stuff in it, mostly clothes, CD’s and my walkman. I moved in with my brother and his wife and never looked back.
Finally I could breathe for once in what felt like forever could sleep and not be afraid of who was out there but still I found myself waking up in a cold sweat, can’t catch my breath, I want to scream but I can’t, I just can’t and I still to this day wake up this way some nights. Just as I continue to battle drug and alcohol addiction it never really goes away.
Getting it out helps for awhile, just to tell someone, anyone who is not going to make me feel bad for dealing with it the way I did.
I did what I felt I had to do to survive.
I was just a little girl all alone and scared.
Thanks for letting me share my story.