I was 13 years old. I had been with my first ever boyfriend for 4 months and I really truly believed I loved him. Let’s call him Henry. Henry sometimes scared me he would hit me sometimes after I imitated his voice or anything like that. He had massive anger issues and would tell me how he could snap and hit me at any moment. He once tackled me to the ground hard because I attempted to go to an area of a park he didn’t like.
But I loved him so I stayed. But I was afraid of him. I tried to break up with him once before but he cried so hard that I didn’t because I felt bad. I didn’t try again after that for a long time because I was still scared of him snapping and hurting me.
The incident in question happened in his room. He had already touched my breasts without my permission a few times before and told me not to make a fuss but this was worse. We were kissing in his room a prospect that once would have delighted me but after all he’d already put me through made me feel anxious. All of a sudden he moved my hand to over his penis. I immediately cringed away. I said no. I told him that we were too young for this and I didn’t feel right with it. He once again told me to stop making a fuss. I told him that I wanted to wait and he told me that i was overreacting.
We’d had a conversation once before about this but he told me that I shouldn’t and when I replied that I could make my own choices he said he knew what was best not me. But back to the assault; He started to get annoyed. This terrified me because I was home alone with him and he realistically could do anything he wanted. I said no again this time more pleading but I knew I had lost. Unenthusiastically, I gave him a hand job and felt filthy while doing it. After it he kissed my forehead and told me I had a lot to learn.
The whole relationship was abusive. He hit me, he grabbed me, he tackled me, he made me afraid, he was controlling and worst of all he made me believe that I was imagining those things. He coerced me through fear into giving him a handjob a few more times. After every time I went home and had a scalding hot shower because I felt so dirty and ashamed and I swore I’d never let him do that to me again but I always got scared and did.
I eventually broke up with him after he cheated on me and he couldn’t touch me because I had become friends with his two best friends who would hurt him if he did. Let’s call these best friends Evan and James.
But I still got hurt. I ended up spiralling into bulimia and anxiety and everything hurt me. For a while I felt like I wanted to die. I am confident that this happened because of what happened to me.
I didn’t tell anyone for a year and a half. I ended up dating James and I’ve now been with him 9 months. He respects my boundaries and he was the first person I told about this.
The first thing he did was punch a couch because he was so angry. But after that he held me and swore nothing like that would never happen to me again and he would never ever do that. He’s the most wonderful thing in my life and I love not being afraid of him. He now takes every measure he can to make sure I don’t have to see Henry through Evan or ever see Henry again. I told Evan and he offered to punch Henry for me but I didn’t take it.
I’m 15 years old. And I am healing. It’s hard because I sometimes feel like what happened to me wasn’t sexual assault not really. But I am trying to feel not as violated and not as ashamed.