Laura’s Story: My Rapist Thought He Was Being Considerate, He Didn’t Have a Condom So He Anally Raped Me

Laura’s Story: My Rapist Thought He Was Being Considerate, He Didn’t Have a Condom So He Anally Raped Me

As gut wrenching as this is for me and for those who care about me, I’m going to share how I was raped and the magnitude of the events that would come to follow.

Spiritually I have been looking for a passage to open up for me. This morning I came across “10 Things to End Rape Culture” an article written by The Nation which suggested in order to “form connections to the issue and bolster support for present and future victims” I could…Tell my story.

I’ve rerun over and over again the events of the rape but have never in my life explained the full extent of the humility, self-blame, internal imprisonment and loss of faith in mankind that I have felt since being raped.

But this issue of rape culture where rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality is bigger than me. So here goes.

Once voted “best country town” and holding a claim to be a welcoming community. This was where I was raped at the age of fifteen and publically shamed for it.

Imagine your name being on the lips of two thousand people. People who you once trusted and people who you wouldn’t have thought they knew who you were. Friends, family, teachers, sporting coaches, colleagues talking in utter disgust about you and your loose morals.

And not a single person, not even your own mother questioning the suggested events that had occurred and their credibility. Due to the rape culture in the town I was to blame for my actions. There was no questioning that it would of, could have been a rape.

It has taken me ten long years to come to terms that I was raped. I know this because the event of the rape still haunts me to this very day. I am not the same person I was before the rape and will never be again.

Throughout this time period I continually questioned and beat myself up about whether it was classified as rape. It was not how it is portrayed in the media. I wasn’t held at gun point. I wasn’t injured. I wasn’t admitted to hospital.

Overall I thought the sexual assault wasn’t physically all that severe but with time it became more and more emotionally and psychologically debilitating for me. How could the perpetrator, the bystander and the rest of the town make me feel ashamed of a crime which was acted out on me?

I have never said the explicit details of how the rape was performed out loud as it makes me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and humiliated. But I feel an obligation to not sugar coat what happened to me as there is nothing pretty about rape.

I was at a party only a couple of streets away from my home. I had been drinking alcohol. From the party I went out the front of the house with a boy I had been seeing at the time. We were kissing and touching each other when I noticed that an ex-boyfriend of mine was sitting on a fence watching us with another girl.

In what seems like a whirl wind of time the girl was nowhere to be seen and my ex-boyfriend had ripped my pants down to my knees. It was then he anally raped me. My first sexual intercourse encounter. I was dazed and frozen in time. I recall that it only lasted for a short amount of time. Maybe 30 seconds but those 30 seconds will remain with my mind forever.

After he had concluded he wiped his penis on the back of my pants and walked away without a word, to celebrate his conquest.

I remember exactly what I was wearing that night. With tears running down my face I tried to scrub the semen from my pinstriped 3/4 Supre pants . It was an unsubtle reminder that he had no remorse for his actions and not a single ounce of respect for me as a human being. I was completed overwhelmed. I knew nothing of what rape was and just hoped to never have to revisit what happened again.

The very next day I found out that this wouldn’t be the case. Throughout the next week I heard that my rapist was spruiking that we’d been involved in a ‘threesome’ and it was spreading like wild fire.

Consequently I was called the town bike to my face. I was ostracised. I was humiliated. I lost all my so called friends and my family turned on me for disgracing their name and reputation.

A close girlfriend of mine even had the gall to tell me that my rapist thought he was being a gentleman by having anal sex with me as he didn’t have a condom on him.

The torments just kept coming. I recall being judged for what I was wearing to a local football match. A denim hat. Which a bystander yelled out “a slutty hat, for a slutty girl!”

With not a single person questioning what they had heard, or reaching out to me I began to believe the rape was my fault.

I should have drank less. I should have screamed at the top of my lungs. I should have put up more of a fight.

I shouldn’t have been around boys at night alone. I shouldn’t have been wearing elastic fitted pants which were easily accessible to others. I shouldn’t have been a young, ‘attractive’ female.

Blaming myself and having a loss of identity I was suicidal but found through hanging on to life I had a light within me which would encourage me to move forward with my life.

In 2015, nine years later from when I was raped I had hit another low point. I had to be honest with myself and honest with health professionals because what I had been doing so far, things weren’t getting any better. I was still having flashbacks of the rape and I didn’t want it to dictate my life anymore.
Through this honesty my GP put me on a mental health plan and referred me to a psychologist. I’d been to psychologists before but I just danced around the subject of being raped and talked about my defective relationships with family.

Not today. Today in the waiting room to see my psychologist I saw my rapist’s photo blown up across the Local Sport section in the newspaper on their coffee table. I was ready to share my story. And little did I know I was ready for the healing to begin.

I am incredibly secretive about being raped and have been described as holding my cards close to my chest due to my fear of people rejecting me, questioning people’s intentions and not respecting the ordeal I went through or not understanding due to their perception of rape culture.

This is my story so far. And I have made significant steps in healing and will continue to do so. I encourage anyone who has sexually assaulted recently or some time ago, to seek help. You did not deserve this and the offender is the only person who should be blamed. There are many who can be of help to you now including rape crisis centres, medical staff and if you choose law enforcement investigators. Please reach out, make yourself familiar with the concepts of rape culture, victim blaming, and consent and tell your story.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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