Kelsey’s Story: There is No Getting Over This

Kelsey’s Story: There is No Getting Over This

When I started my first job at a restaurant a girl told me that I look like a virgin, that I look like a girl that has never fucked someone. I guess she is right that I don’t look like that kind of person anymore. I look like sports bras and shirts that are baggy or pulled up and underwear lines that show I’m wearing bikini style underwear. I look like short hair and not interested in guys but probably interested in girls. I was 15 when I was held down on a bed and raped.

I’ve died emotionally many times. I died when I watched a girl get raped in a movie and then my boyfriend wanted to have sex after. I would die when I would have sex with my boyfriend and he would go home every time after. I died reading a rape victim’s statement. I know how she feels. I am stuck in my mind and the only way I feel safe is getting lost in myself. I have successfully pushed everyone that has ever gotten close to me away. I regret everything. I feel as if intimacy is ruined for me. My fears are constant.

It’s not about getting my ex back it’s about getting myself back. Being insecure affected my relationship and made me scared of the man I was in a relationship with. Being around him gave me horrible flashbacks. It has changed the way I see everything. My suffering is long term. I knew in that moment that I would never be the same. I have been depressed, angry and anxiety-ridden. I am sensitive but I’ve made a barrier around myself so that I stay guarded. I read about rape in the news and connect with the victims. It’s horrifying. I can hardly read about rape victims at all.

I always had this idea that if I said something people should listen to me because I used to never talk at all but it turns out that if you never say anything people don’t want to hear from you. I used to go days without talking because I have nothing to say and I was afraid to talk to people. I have worked really hard on my social skills and I have had to force myself into talking to people again. I don’t want people to be sorry for me because I know this happens to so many people and I just really want those people to be able to feel okay. To not feel like it was their fault because no matter what it is not. Victims need to feel like their thoughts and feelings matter and that they are not unimportant in any way.

I am 5 years later and can’t see anything from men but bad intentions. I see the change he made from being nice to raping me and I see it in all guys. I see the changes I have made in my life and I see how my insecurities haven’t changed at all. I don’t see the light at the end of things.


This is Kelsey’s story, submitted via our website. 

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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