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Oct 26

Kassie’s story: He Wanted Me To Fight Him

When I was little I was molested for a long time, at 3 and then from 6 to 12 or 13, once by an adult and the other times by two other children who were close to me. I have shared those stories but this one was hard for me. Now I am finally ready.

When I was in middle school, my sister and her husband introduced me to a family friend of theirs. We’ll call him X. We decided to “date” but in middle school that meant our relationship consisted of talking on the phone. We went on one chaperoned date with my sister and her husband which ended in one long goodbye kiss. That’s it, that is as far as it ever went before we eventually broke up. At this point X already had a bad behavior history, so I was glad to see the relationship (if you can even call it that) end.

Fast forward a couple of years. I was now 17, I was in my first serious relationship with a guy (who I am now married to) and really experiencing love; I was so happy.

My mom had gone out of town for a weekend and asked my sister and her husband to house sit. I had gotten home late and when I walked in the house there he was. X, my sister and her husband brought X with them and he was staying the night at my house. X looked different, he had tattoos, and was dark looking, his hair was black, his eyes seemed darker and his whole attitude was just different. When he would look at me it gave me strange feeling that I should have listened to.

I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I know mine and Xs relationship wasn’t serious, but he was a guy my same age who I had “dated” in the past, and he was staying the night at my house while, I was in a relationship with someone else. I wanted to kill my sister for putting me in this situation! I was still at least friendly because I couldnt control any of it. We all stood around and talked for a bit, my sister and her husband had bought some beer and I did drink a few but I didnt get waisted. I talked about my new relationship, how happy I was, and how great my boyfriend was. I did this on purpose so X would know that nothing was going to happen with us.

After a little while my sister decided to go to bed and I did too, I wasn’t about to be up alone with X. A few minutes after I went to my room I got a text on my phone from my sisters phone that said “what are you doing?”, I texted back “laying down”. I knew it was X texting me from her phone. The next thing I know my bedroom door opens and X comes in then turns around and locks the door. I froze, I couldn’t move. With my history of abuse that is all it took for me to know “this is happening AGAIN”. He stood over me for a seconds staring at me, it was like X wasn’t even there, the look on his face was not like any look I had seen him make before, it was almost like he was possessed.
All of the sudden in one quick motion I am on my bedroom floor naked from the waist down and he is on top of me, I’m not even sure how we got on the floor. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I felt all of the things I felt when I was little and being abused, not only that but he was scary and he was saying things like, “I’ve been wanting this”. I recently learned there is a thing called learned helplessness and I think that is what I was experiencing. At this point my past tramas had taught me it was pointless to fight. Plus my gut feeling was telling me “if I fight I’m going to get hurt, something is really wrong with X”
He never took his clothes off but he was dry humping, touching and kissing me all over, EVERYWHERE, in places you don’t just let someone kiss you. I just laid there frozen and still silent. At some point he moved me to my bed, and while still on top of me started to unzip his pants, that’s when I was finally able to snap out of it and say something, “a condom, please wear a condom, I have one in my nightstand”, he stopped and looked me in the eyes for a second then reached out to dig through my night stand while still holding me down, I asked him if he saw one and he said yes but then he went back to kissing me until suddenly he got up and left, at this point the crazy look he had was gone. I jumped up and locked my door behind him. I cried my self to sleep that night wondering, is he going to come back in here? what if my boyfriend finds out? He is going to think I cheated, no body is ever going to believe that my ex stayed the night and assaulted me instead of “she messed around with him”.

I didn’t tell anyone until later the next day my sister asked me if I let X come in my room and if we messed around, she said X told her everything and that I let him “do things” to me and even went looking for a condom, I denied all of it, I was terrified of my boyfriend who I was so in love with not believing the truth and leaving me. My sister believed X why wouldn’t anyone else?

Eventually during a temporary breakup my bother-in-law told my boyfriend that I cheated on him. The story he gave my bf was so far from the truth and even included another night that never happened. X stayed one night! My BF and I fought about it in one of the worst fights we’ve ever been in, I denied anything happening at all, but he was so convinced that I cheated on him and was lying, this was killing me! I couldn’t tell him the truth he wouldnt believe it, so I told him all that happened was X kissed me. (it is true just not the whole story) for what ever reason this calmed him down so I stuck with that for 10 years (occasionally he would throw it at me in arguments) finally while working through my childhood trama I had a break down and told him X hurt me that night. He didn’t handle well at first but we are both working through things.

I have always wondered why did X have to say anything? I wouldn’t have told anyway, at that point I was used to keeping my mouth shut. Did he just want to ruin me? Was he jealous of my new found happiness? Also what the hell was wrong with X that night anyway? I’m glad he stopped but what made him snap out of it?

It was power, my gut feeling tells me that he wanted me to fight him so he could feel power over me. When I asked for the condom I think thats when he realized that I wasn’t fighting nor was I going to. I didn’t give him what he was wanting.

I have felt a lot of guilt and shame over not fighting and for asking for the condom. I felt like that was me letting it happen, or like maybe I wanted it and am just trying to convince myself I didn’t cheat. Working through this in therapy has really really made me see it more clearly. X was a monster, and he tried to rape me, asking for a condom doesn’t mean I wanted it or was giving in. I was protecting myself.

I am not saying that not fighting is the answer at all. This whole thing has taught me to listen to that feeling, if your gut tells you to fight then do it, but if it tells not to and you don’t, that does not mean you gave in, it does not mean you wanted it.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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