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Oct 11

Jess’s Story: Is He Right, Was It Just A Misunderstanding?

Afternoon my name’s Jess & I’ve recently been through a random situation & I’m not sure how I’m meant to feel about it or if I deserve to feel anything about it all or if I’m just overreacting?

I’ll explain my situation first, so I went to my coworkers house, we’ve been sleeping with each other for months as he’s been blackmailing me with pictures he has & also texts that he’s threatening to send to my ex who I want to try & fix the relationship with. That break up was a messy one in itself & I had to get out quick as things turned violent so this other guy from work offered to let me stay with him which I did before I found myself my own place only a few weeks later.

Things were intense very quickly & he’s never liked it when I’ve told him how I feel & that I can’t keep doing this as it’s killing me inside, he always makes out it’ll be the last time & he’ll be gone for good but says he loves me & how good we’d be if I ever gave us a real chance. Anyway, I went to his the other night & before I went I was enraged, we always argue obviously as neither of us are getting what we want, I felt bad & said fine I will stay with you tonight but I AM NOT doing anything even slightly sexual at all!

We got back we had a few drinks, I broke down in tears for a lot of the evening telling him how horrific & depressed he’s been making me & I thought he’d listened. Anyway I’m epileptic & in certain situations where I get stressed I can have a seizure, this happened & before i knew it i was coming to on his sofa but felt him pulling my underwear down when he was laying behind me.. I couldn’t barely move as my body was exhausted & just laid there but felt him inside me, I couldn’t even barely speak & it took a while for my mind to register what was happening, I think at this stage I just started whimpering but maybe just quietly as he said he couldn’t hear I was upset otherwise he would’ve stopped..
The whole thing was just confusing as I still hadn’t properly come round, he continued then I finally asked him when he was on top from behind what he was doing, it was at that point he carried on but asked if I was ok then suddenly pulled out when i started a bit more audibly crying, then he just got angry saying was he really that small that I didn’t even notice we were having sex..

This is where I’m confused because he’s told me I said yes to a bit of ‘play time’ even though I don’t remember saying it or him asking in the first place..

He’s since apologised & said it was a misunderstanding & not rape, that it’s awful I could think he was capable of that. He keeps wanting to see me again to have ‘a nice day & night’ with him this weekend as he said yet again it would be the final time & he’ll leave me alone but I don’t think I want to be near him, he just wants to pretend it never happened I feel. Am I being horrible by holding a grudge?

I also made it even more confusing by giving into sex with him the morning after what happened as I just didn’t want to fight about it & thought it’d be easier, but then he got angry when I wouldn’t let him come inside me.. I just feel mentally drained & confused..

Was it rape or am I just overreacting? He keeps telling me he didn’t do what he did & that’s not how the situation happened, maybe he’s right but it’s not how I feel, so it’s wrong of me to feel bad myself when he’s telling me he didn’t mean it to come across in that way isn’t it?

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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