Jessica’s Story: He Doesn’t Know My Prespective

Jessica’s Story: He Doesn’t Know My Prespective

It was a summer night. There was a party I went to and left. I came back because one of my friends [T] wanted to chill and a few other of my friends were there. He lived close by so I snuck out and walked there. I chilled with my friends drank a little and then set an alarm for 4:00 am and went into someone’s bedroom and tried sleeping. [T] came in and he sat next to me and woke me up. The door was closed and we were completely alone everyone else was a few rooms away. From what I can remember he laid with me and tried touching me but I stopped him. Every single time he moved closer I moved away it was weird. As time went by I tried going back to sleep to see if he would leave if I passed out. He didn’t. I eventually tried leaving and he got up and held the door closed saying I couldnt leave but he couldn’t give me a good enough answer as to why. He tried kissing my neck and i’d push him away. I kept trying to leave and he would grab my arm and nicely tell me to not go. I was a little intoxicated so I just listened to him. It got worse and eventually I just said okay and we had sex. I immediately left the room and said goodbye to my friends and walked home. I stayed calm and cool the entire time. He’d never know in my prespective that even though I technically may have given consent I felt pressured. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to engage in any sort of contact with him. My ego got in the way of “what if I came off as a bitch?” rather than standing up for myself. A regret I still have to this day. The next morning I woke up and recalled that night and realized could this be sexual abuse? I think so. Forcing someone into sex even if you gave consent is abuse, verbally manipulating me and physically. He has no idea this is how I feel and even at parties I’ll say hi to him. I don’t think I could ever tell him my prespective of that night because he would make me feel like I was wrong and terrible about myself for even accusing him of that. I feel guilty for myself and him.

Author

WYR

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Related