I never really told anyone the full extent of mine. I was in my first year of college and had severe body issues. I hated myself and was amazed when a couple of guys asked me out. I clicked with one guy and we started hanging out all the time. Before I really knew what was happening we were spending every day together. He made me feel so guilty for spending time with friends but refused to leave the dorm. I wound up sitting inside With him more often than not. I felt obligated to include him.
He slowly started leeching his anger into my life. He told me my friends were all using me and would drop me so fast. “You’re beautiful but no one else wants you for anything but sex”, “You dont have any real friends but me”. It was highly damaging for someone who was already heavily depressed. Because of him I almost dropped out of college. I thought everyone hated me. I thought i was stupid and annoying and that it was my job to be supportive and lift him from his depression rather than care for myself.
I became his girlfriend somewhere around this time and regretted it quickly. He wanted sex the first night we kissed. I said no. I made it clear I did not want and was not ready for sex. He said he would respect my boundaries. Fast forward a few weeks and we are basically living out of his dorm. He wouldnt be apart for very long without becoming depressed so I went along with it. I thought I loved him.
We were drinking a bottle of wine one night and started making out. Eventually he asked for sex. I said no. He kept trying to convince me. I said no. He gave up and went back to kissing. Later i got ready to go to bed and put on a pair of shorts. He kept touching my ass and fooling around but I kept saying no sex. I felt a sharp pain inside me and i cried out. He had forced himself inside me. He claimed if it just happened once I would love it and want to keep going. I pushed him away and laid there in shock for a minute.
I was a virgin before him and I was so freaked out. I left and ran to my dorm where i cried. I had blood in my underwear. I washed myself and went to an event that had been pre planned for later that night. He was there. I didnt speak to him for a full week until i had to go get stuff from his room. He told me he hadnt eaten in days and cried begging me to take him back. I said no but he kept crying until I gave in and said we could still talk. I didnt know what to do.
Months later we are friends and i realized that I might still have feelings for him. He us really depressed and kind of hoping it might help, i offered to go on a date. We dated for the rest of the school year and had sex many times. He told me he might have given me an STD after he slept with some girl after he raped me because he was “heartbroken over me and I wouldnt take him back”.
He almost got me pregnant multiple times because he would remove condoms during sex without me knowing but then would freak out and seem to be apologetic about it after I found out. He never cared for my sexual well being and would frequently use me for his own ends. I caught him telling a friend he was “fucking some girl” meaning me. It wasnt until i got home and was out of his sphere that I really felt what had happened this last year. After crying it through with a close friend, I blocked him on all social media and prayed I would never see him again. (He was a foreign exchange student) I still go to that school and everything reminds me of him.
He is now a part of my history. It hurts.