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Jun 20

Anonymous Story: He Changed Me in a Way I Can’t Get Back

I was 14 and I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I knew that this older 18 year old boy wanted to have sex with me. I was mad at my boyfriend, well ex, and wanted to get back at him. I texted this guy and said I wanted to do it. I told my mom I was going to hang out with some friends then I went. He met me at the bus stop and we walked to his house. We went into his family apartment and then into his bedroom. He kissed me and I felt nothing. Then he pushed me onto his bed and started removing my clothing. I went along with it but I wasn’t into it. I went down on him the said, “I don’t really want to do this.”
He said, “It’s alright. I got you.”
I pushed against him and he pushed me down. He took off my underwear and he told me he had came so it didn’t matter and then he put his penis inside me but it was hard for him because I was a virgin and resisting so much but he forced and and told me to spread my legs because I was crying a bit and he thought it was because it was painful I guess. I don’t know if he realized what he was doing. but he said, “I got you.” Again. I bled and so he had a black shirt on the bed. When he was done he threw the shirt away and I went to the bathroom. I didn’t want to do anything but hadn’t quit realized what had happened. I thought I just didn’t like it and that I cried because it was painful. I left and then on the bus realized what had happened. I never told anyone. But I had to see him at school everyday. Then we moved. I thought of it so much. I can’t ever feel safe, even in my own bed at home. It ruined me emotionally. I can’t show my emotions properly anymore and I was severely depressed. I have trust issues and I had problems with sex. Until I met an amazing guy who made me feel so safe and I trusted him and I loved him and we had loving consensual sex and never once did I think of the guy who hurt me but then we broke up and now I keep picturing him, my rapist. From the moment of the incident I haven’t had a blank thought. It’s been filled with his face, his words, the feeling of his hand around my arm. But I had a break from that and it was so nice and now the pain is back and I don’t know what to do.

I remember what happened.
I didn’t report it.
I didn’t tell anyone.
I knew my rapist.
I blamed myself.
I was a virgin.
But he took that from me. He took away my innocence and changed me forever and that’s not okay and it never will be. The worst part is that I didn’t think it was rape right away because I didn’t directly say no.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

Permanent link to this article: http://whenyoureready.org/he-changed-me-in-a-way-i-cant-get-back/