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Nov 05

Hannah’s story: He Stole Every Bit Of Humanity That I Had

I was 18 and had been working at my old tattoo shop. At the time, my boss was one of my best friends. Someone I confided in often. We had moved the location of the shop, and needed a new artist. My boss decided to hire his friend . He seemed like a cool guy when I met him and showed a friendly interest in me. We hung out as friends on several occasions. Shortly after he had come to me saying that he had feelings for me. I was not interested what so ever, but still wanted to be his friend.

He started making aggressive comments and was very persistent. But nothing like that ever bothered me and we were co workers so I didn’t want to make things weird and not be friends. That night we went out for drinks. I was pressured into drinking way more than I could handle. To the point where I was vomiting in a bathroom being comforted by some girl I didn’t know saying that he is a really good guy and cared about me a lot at some bar out in bum fuck Egypt that I had no business being in since I was only 18 at the time. He offered to take me home since I could barely walk or see. Plot twist I didn’t make it back to my fucking house.

I was awakened to him telling me to get out of the car and go inside of his house. I was still extremely drunk so I didn’t have much fight in me. He got me inside and forced me to remove my clothes and stand naked in the middle of his living room. When I would try to put my clothes back on he threatened to hurt me and throw me out in the middle of the night into the neighborhood where I had no idea where I was and extremely inebriated. While I was standing there he would touch me and yell at me. He cut me down and told me every flaw about myself and how since I’m a woman I’d “have to suck some dick at some point to get anywhere in the industry”. Along with other sexist and just plain cruel and evil words and acts. It was a mix of him cutting me down and telling me that I’m the one for him (way to really get a woman) I’m surprised I remember this at all but how could you forget.

I remember his soulless eyes examining every part of my scared naked body it felt like they were molesting me. This carried on for a few hours. Then he forced me into his bedroom where he pushed me on the bed and raped me. I was screaming and crying and trying to fight but he was stronger than me. I was finally broke. He caused me to bleed and cry out in pain and sadness. I layed there defeated like I was dead as it continued for what seemed like hours as he threw me around and held my face up by my hair. He came inside of me, and then proceeded to yell at me about how I should have put in effort and acted like I enjoyed it because it made him feel like shit like he didn’t do a good job. He forced me to sleep next to him (sleep didn’t come that night or really for weeks after) in the morning he made me shower but he didn’t even give me privacy he sat in the bathroom while I showered and made me keep the curtain open. I don’t remember what he did with my clothes, but I remember he pulled out a bag of what I’m assuming was his ex girlfriends clothes and made me wear them. We went to work that day and I was a complete zombie.

When I went to my boss about it he said “I don’t know what to believe because I’ve always known him to be walked over women. He’s a nice guy and I don’t see him doing that”. To add insult to injury the fact that someone who claimed to be one of my best friends didn’t believe me when I came to them visibly miserable and desperate. I finally got aggressive enough to tell him to leave the shop and never speak to me again.

A week later I started to get threats from him saying that he would break my hands or get someone to jump me or kill me. I never went to the police because I was terrified and so discouraged. Why would anyone believe me if my best friend didn’t?

I went to my boyfriend that I had started seeing a few months after the assault happened and told him everything and the only thing he said was “are you sure it wasn’t just some guy you regret sleeping with?” And that just reassured my doubts on anyone ever believing me.

It took almost A year and a half and another girl being assaulted by him for my old boss to reach out to me and apologize. I now have slight ptsd and my depression has just continuously gotten worse. I tried to kill my self, have written suicide letters and have suicidal thoughts every single day of my life. That was the closest feeling to being tortured I have ever endured.

That event changed my life completely. I was a lively, friendly girl who was comfortable in her body to what I am now. I changed the way I dressed, I feel uncomfortable in too low cut of a shirt or if my shorts are just a little too short I have to change. I don’t care about my appearance any more. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. It has ruined my love life because I compare every man to him and how he abused me. I would have chosen death or physical torture and beatings over him completely taking my humanity from me. He ruined my life. And he ruined me. I lost the feeling of what it’s like to trust someone. Most of all I felt alone.

About the author

WYR

When You’re Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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