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Jan 20

Fay’s Story: Was I Raped?

I was in the end of an abusive relationship and I’m not sure if I can consider this rape so I’m curious. I feel like I need to know.

I don’t even remember what started this particular fight but we were in my bedroom and he climbed on my back and had me pinned down by his knees. It was difficult to breathe because he was crushing my lungs, my face was almost completely in a pillow, and I was panicking and crying. I had been choked until I was unconscious by a previous boyfriend and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. Just to feel that again in anyway was terrifying.

Of course, as soon as he was done getting me “under control” for being upset he blamed me for the entire situation and took off.

The next morning around 8am I realized he was parked in my driveway sleeping. I went outside to wake him up and tell him to leave because I was still infuriated by what he’d done the night before. He was going to follow me inside and I got scared so I started running toward the door so I could lock it before he could come in.
I ended up tripping and falling down the concrete stairs leading up to my porch so he was able to catch up.
He followed me into my bedroom and this part is a bit foggy but I think he tried apologizing for the night before. He then tried touching me and was trying to advance toward sex. I told him no repeatedly but he wouldn’t give up. Eventually I just gave in and put my butt in the air and he had sex with me while I cried.

I did this because I saw no other solution and I was afraid of what he might do.

We broke up a few days later when he tried to steal my car, drove me around in it for hours punching me and burning me with cigarettes, and eventually maced me so I was forced to run blind looking for help.

I’ve been in therapy since but for some reason I can’t tell her a lot of things. Its just too shameful to detail everything I put up with.

Did he rape me?

About the author

WYR

When You're Ready.org is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories.

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